Chapter lxiv
lxiv
I HAD THE KIDS AGAIN THE FOLLOWING WEEK, AND knew I had to work even harder to mend fences with Violet, to figure out what was going on with her, to try to help. We couldn’t keep going on the way things were. I remembered Dax’s earlier suggestion about spending one-on-one time with each of them.
“Hey,” I said when I checked on her before bed that Saturday night, “any chance you want to go shopping with me tomorrow? I can set up plans for the boys.”
She was quiet for a moment.
“I’d really love to spend some time alone with you,” I added.
“Okay,” she said. Then, “Would you mind closing my door? I promised Ji-ho I’d call to say good night.” I guess Darren’s demand that Violet end things with Ji-ho hadn’t amounted to anything.
“Sure,” I said, slipping out of her room. “Glad Ji-ho’s doing better. Maybe we could have him and his parents over for dinner soon.”
“Maybe,” Violet said.
I wasn’t sure what I would say to her the next day, if anything I could come up with would help her heal, but I had some time to figure it out.
THE NEXT AFTERNOON, AFTER DROPPING SAM AND Liam off with friends, Violet and I took the subway to Soho and started window shopping.
“Did you want to go shopping with me to tell me that I’m in big trouble?” Violet asked. “Because Dad already did that. Like, a lot.”
I turned to look at her as we kept walking. “Do you think you should be in really big trouble?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “I’ve kind of been a jerk recently. Especially when you took us to meet Dax. And then I lied to Dad. And went somewhere I wasn’t supposed to, without telling you. So probably yeah.”
“I won’t argue with that,” I said, and she laughed a little. “Do you want to talk about why you’ve been acting that way?”
She shrugged again. “I guess … the more I thought about stuff with you and Dad and Sammy, the angrier I got that you kept this secret from us for so long.”
We were walking in front of a coffee shop that had a bench out front. I stopped in front of it and said, “Let’s sit for a minute.”
Violet sat next to me.
“I understand why you’re angry,” I said. “I’d be angry, too, if I were you. I also know, though, that being a jerk, as you put it, isn’t helping you get past that. Neither is lying. Or running away. It seems like maybe you’re trying to punish me? Or punish our whole family?”
Violet shook her head slowly, scuffed her shoe against the sidewalk. “I don’t think that’s it,” she said. “I just ” She trailed off and looked down at her hands in her lap. I waited, but she didn’t say anything more.
“You didn’t know how else to show me and Dad how hurt you were?” I tried.
Violet was stretching the hair elastic she had on her wrist and letting it snap back against her skin. “Maybe,” she said. “I know you said I don’t have to tell anyone what I talk about with the therapist, but one thing she said is that it sounded like I usually think other people’s feelings are more important than mine, and my feelings were so big this time, I wasn’t able to squash them down. So it’s all really uncomfortable.”
I was so thankful in that moment that Dax sent us those therapist recommendations for the kids, that Darren agreed they should go, that the kids were actually talking in their sessions.
“I could definitely see that being the case,” I said. “Do you want to talk more about how angry you are?”
Violet shook her head but then said, “I just … feel … betrayed. Like our family is built on a lie.”
“I’m really sorry, Violet,” I said. “And if it matters at all, if I had to do it over again, I would do it differently. I wouldn’t keep any secrets. But when I told Grandma, she said something really smart—she said we can only move forward. So that’s our choice now, right? How to move forward. I want us to try to fix things between us. But you have to want that, too, for it to happen.”
Violet nodded. “I want that too,” she said softly. And then she added, “And I’m sorry I was a jerk to Dax at Central Park. He was amazing the other night, helping Ji-ho and all the other kids. I’ll be nicer next time, okay?” I let out a small laugh. “Dax and I aren’t dating anymore,” I said. “But I appreciate the apology.”
Violet looked at me. “Is it because of us?” she asked.
I shrugged. “It wasn’t the right time,” I said.
“That’s a nice way of saying it was us,” she said.
I didn’t say anything more; I didn’t want to lie to my daughter. And besides, she was too smart not to see through it.
We sat on the bench in silence together for a moment. “I have a question,” I said. “Dad didn’t seem to know anything about Dax. You and the boys didn’t tell him about our day in Central Park?”
Violet shook her head. “We made a deal not to say anything. We didn’t want to make things between you and Dad worse. Or Dad and Courtney.”
I sat there for a moment, taking that in. “Vi, I’m really really sorry you felt you had to lie for me. Even if it was for a good reason. Please promise me that in the future, if I’ve put you in a position that makes you or the boys feel like you have to lie to your dad, you’ll tell me. I don’t want you to have to keep secrets for me. Ever. I don’t want our family to keep secrets anymore.”
Violet nodded.
“I’m not mad,” I said, just to clarify. “I’m just … I’m just sorry I did that to you without even realizing it.”
Violet slid her hand quietly into mine. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d held hands. “It’s okay, Mom,” she said. We sat for a moment longer, and then she got up. “Let’s go find us both some new clothes.”
I bought a red maxi dress for the opening. It reminded me a little of the dress you’d chosen for me when It Takes a Galaxy won a Daytime Emmy. It fluttered a bit when I walked, showed off my collarbones, and made me feel pretty.
Violet got an off-the-shoulder denim dress for the opening, along with a new pair of jeans, two T-shirts, and a pair of sneakers that she promised me were cool, even though I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.
WHEN WE ALL SAT DOWN FOR DINNER THAT NIGHT , the air didn’t feel quite as tense, and Violet said, “So, who wants to go first with their best, worst, and wished?”
I swear, I almost cried.