Chapter 33 #3
As he opened it, the moon caught the silver charm on Kylie’s neck, and a sense of peace–deep and total peace–filled him.
Life was good.
He was healing.
Love was part of his world again.
And then he realized what Kylie had given him.
“The scarf? The one Amber made for me?” He couldn’t keep the incredulity out of his voice.
Kylie’s shy smile showed him how nervous she was. “I found it in the poncho pocket, that night I was stuck in the donation bin. It’s cashmere, and it was falling apart.”
He nodded. “She made it for me when I turned eighteen. Then moths got it.”
“I mended it. Did my best, but about half of it is new.”
“So it’s half Kylie, half Amber.”
Closing the gap, she pressed her hand over his chest. “Yes. Like your heart. Room for both of us.”
“What’s inside it?” he asked, grinning as he unwrapped the layers, laughing hard at the sight of the little carved giraffe.
“It’s a silly little present. Found it at the antiques shop when you ran into me in town.”
“Crooked neck, just like poor Needle.”
“I took it as a sign.”
“You found an adorable, meaningful carving at Love You Again. I found an ivory breast shield. I’m way outclassed by you, Kylie.”
“Love You Again,” she whispered. “I forgot that’s the name of the store.”
He turned the carving over in his hands. “It’s wonderful. Just like you.”
Like the night, their kiss was its own perfection, suspended through years, ending in seconds, every sweet sensation etching itself in him.
With clarity, he saw his future spread out before him, Kylie and Harriet, more children, a settled life with his wife and children in the place he loved the most.
With the people he loved even more.
It was perfect.
Too perfect.
Breaking away, he looked down at her, cupping her jaw in both of his hands, kissing away a flake that fell on her nose.
“I can’t believe you came back. All these years.”
“I know.”
“And here I am, with a kid.”
“She’s a great kid.”
“If you’d stayed, she might have been your kid.”
“That doesn’t make sense, Luke.”
“You know what I mean.” He stared at her, reading her, surveying the emotional landscape and searching to find the weakness. It was built into him, a major part of who he was and why he was so good at law enforcement.
“I do. Life could have been different. Imagine if Amber had lived? None of this,” she said, gesturing between them, “would be happening.”
“But Amber did die. And I’m raising Harriet alone.”
The word alone hung in the air.
He frowned. “I have to be everything for her, Kylie. Everything.”
“That doesn’t leave any room for you.”
“I’ll have plenty of room when she’s eighteen.”
“It’s not like that, Luke. Your heart needs space, too. You can’t put it in a box for the next twelve years and expect it to be healthy and whole when you finally spring it loose.”
“For years, it felt like I didn’t have a choice. Until now.”
“It doesn’t have to be either/or. What if you can have what you need and give Harriet everything she needs to thrive?”
He stepped forward, caressing the side of her face, fingers playing lightly with her earlobe. The touch made her shiver.
“What if what I need and what she needs are the same person? You.”
Where he should have seen attraction, love, hope, joy–instead he saw nothing but guilt. Shame.
Sadness in Kylie’s eyes.
Why?
“Luke.”
“Mmm?” His mouth moved toward hers.
Bracing herself, Kylie stopped him with a palm flat against his chest, his heart beating steadily, calmly, under her touch.
“I need to tell you something.”
“I need to tell you something, too,” he said in a deep, emotion-filled voice. It was time.
Time to say those three little words.
“You go first.”
“No, you.”
The light laughter from both was self-conscious, funny, but also recognized as part of some nervous tension between the two that Luke wished he could wave away.
“I love you,” he said, slowly, savoring every word.
“I have an interview in New York,” she said at the same time, the words coming out as if disconnected, each one a skewed puzzle piece that didn’t quite fit.
New York.
I have.
Interview.
“You what?” they both gasped in sync, the only time they seemed to be, a truth that caused a pain deep inside him, like his heart being seared over a flame.
No.
Not this.
Not now.
Not her.
He was the one who broke away, broke eye contact, broke all contact, because he was broken.
Broken heart.
Broken spirit.
Snapped right in two.
Again.
“New York? You got a job there?”
“An interview. Not an offer.”
“When?”
“December 28.”
“When were you going to tell me?”
“I am telling you.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” He exploded, knowing his voice would carry, hating himself for it, reeling it in only because he didn’t want to upset Harriet.
“Luke, I–”
“When did you know about this? When did someone ask you for an interview?”
“I had an online screening interview. Thought I bombed it. Then they asked me to come in person.”
“WHEN?”
“Last week.”
And there it was.
“You lied to me? You lied for a week?”
“I didn’t technically lie for a week. The interview was on the eighteenth, and the offer came in–”
“Don’t technically me, Kylie! A lie of omission is as bad as any other.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you! It’s with KidzdocTV, the biggest channel in children’s programming, and–”
“So you really are leaving.” His head pitched down in defeat, jaw turning to granite. “What a fool I’ve been. I thought if I made it good enough here, you’d–” Disgusted with his own foolish fantasy, he realized he was just like his little girl.
Caught up in a dream world where playing pretend games was just that.
Pretend.
Kylie’s love was nothing but a story he told himself, fiction, as real as the tooth fairy.
“I’m not automatically leaving! You did make it good, Luke. Life is good. Great, even. I love Harriet so much, and she’s so sweet. And you, well… I’m torn. I’m so torn. It’s not like this hasn’t been hard. I’m falling for you and I feel split between two worlds.”
“Split.”
“Yes. Between what I thought I wanted and what I really want.”
“Which one am I, Kylie?”
Who knew that a tiny sliver of a second could carry so much meaning? That’s all it took–her hesitation–for his own to disappear.
He knew what needed to happen next.
It was simple, and it was horrible, but it was also right.
“Consider this your two-week notice,” he said calmly, still holding her hand, eyes on her, going into protective law enforcement officer mode, folding his emotions in, going flat. He had a job to do–deliver bad news–and he was going to do it while he built a wall around his heart.
“My… what?”
“I’m firing you as Harriet’s nanny, Kylie,” he said softly.
“Firing?”
“Yes. That’s the term for it. Letting you go. Terminating your employment. You’ll finish up with her over the next two weeks.” An acrid taste filled his mouth. “Taking December 28th off for your interview, of course.”
“Luke, please.”
“The two weeks are so there’s a transition for both of you, and–”
She snatched her hand away. “You can’t do this!”
“I am doing this. It’s for the best.”
“You’re firing me because you’re hurt that I want options in my life?”
“This has nothing to do with us.”
“Liar.”
The word hung in the air like a fireball in the falling snow.
“Excuse me?”
“I said liar. You’re lying, Luke. This isn’t about Harriet. You know I’d never do anything to hurt her.”
“Sneaking around, having interviews in New York you don’t mention is the opposite of not hurting her, Kylie.” The coldness in the air filled his voice.
“You knew I was applying for jobs! You’re upset I’m not turning down the New York interview.
You’re upset I’m not throwing myself into your arms without ever exploring a chance at a job I’ve wanted my whole career.
You’re asking me to give up everything and follow you into your life.
How fair is that? Everything I thought I knew about life changed for me in August, and then again in November when you found me in that charity bin.
It’s been a month! One month, and you expect me to pivot and let go of what I’ve wanted in my career for years! And when I hesitate, you fire me.”
Every word she said made sense. It did. In his mind, at least.
Heart? Heart was screaming and couldn’t hear a word she said.
“It’s for the best.”
“Says who?”
“Says the man in charge of protecting a little girl who’s already had her heart broken when someone she loved just disappeared.”
“You’re using Harriet as a shield. Own your feelings, Luke. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me. You just said the words, and we haven’t even talked about that yet!”
The dare made him stare at her, awash in emotions he shoved down as hard as possible.
Instead of saying another word, he turned around and walked back into the lodge, knowing he’d face a wall of family with questions, mind too full to deal with them.
Because Kylie had been right.
He loved her. Deeply. Desperately.
Hopelessly.
Which was why he had to leave her first.