Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
marlowe
It takes two weeks to rebuild a life you didn’t want to leave.
I buy furniture. Fill my apartment with things that are mine, not inherited, not borrowed, but truly mine. A purple velvet couch. A bed with too many pillows. Shelves for the romance books I’ve been meaning to read but can’t bear to crack open because my heart is too sad.
The animals settle into our new life slowly.
Lola’s cone comes off after our latest trip to the vet, and he immediately tries to attack a pigeon through the window.
Fiona claims the couch. Monarch finds a sunny spot, and her weeping has finally ceased.
Pepper’s vocabulary expands to include “heartbroken whore” and “stupid fucking Irish.”
He’s been listening to me cry and vent.
I go back to the ballet. Not because I want to, but because I don’t know what else to do yet. I throw myself into rehearsals until my feet bleed and my muscles scream yet again.
But it’s a distraction, at the very least. And I dance until I can’t think.
It almost works.
Topher finds me in the studio one afternoon. Everyone else has gone home but I’m still practicing.
He sits against the mirror and quietly watches me for a while before he speaks.
“You look like you could use someone to talk to.”
“I don’t want to talk. I just want to forget.” I don’t stop pirouetting.
“When’s the last time you slept? Or consumed something that wasn’t coffee?”
I don’t answer. Not because I don’t know the answer. I just don’t want to admit it.
“He’s an idiot,” Topher says when I don’t respond.
I stop mid-spin. “You don’t even know what happened.”
“I know you came back looking like someone died, and you’ve been dancing yourself to death ever since.” He pats the floor beside him. “Come on. Just take a break.”
I don’t want to, but my legs are shaking and my lungs burn like I’ve swallowed fire. Maybe I need a friend.
I heave a deep sigh and sink down to the cool floor.
“He told me to leave.” I trace my finger along the groove between hardwood floorboards. “After everything. After he saved me. He said his life was too dangerous and I should have my freedom back.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“I called him a coward.” I laugh. It’s jagged and broken, just like my heart. “He didn’t deny it.”
Topher’s quiet for a moment. “Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Does he love you?”
“Maybe. I hope so.”
“Then he’ll come back.” Topher grins. “Men are stupid, Mar. Especially the ones who actually have feelings. They panic. They push. They think they’re being noble when really they’re just scared.”
“What if he doesn’t come back?”
“Then he doesn’t deserve you.” He stands up and holds out his hand to me. “But I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen.”
I take his hand. “Thanks, Toph.”
“That’s what friends are for.” He gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Now go home. Sleep. And think about what you actually want to do with your life, because I’ve seen you dance for years, Mar, and lately? You’re not dancing. You’re just going through the motions.”
Ouch.
He’s right. But it still stings.
“I don’t know what I want anymore.”
“Then figure it out. You’ve got time. And whatever it is should be your choice. Not your mom’s. Not his. Yours.”
After I get home from rehearsal the next day, there’s a knock at my door.
Weird. Security usually calls me when packages arrive. Lord knows, there have been enough of them since my online shopping has gotten out of control lately.
I walk to the door and peer into the hallway through the peephole.
My heart stops.
It’s my father.
He looks... older. Grayer. There are lines on his face I don’t remember. He’s lost weight. And in his hand is a small bouquet. He holds it like he’s not sure what to do with it.
I open the door, my throat tight. “Daddy. You’re back.”
“Hi, princess.” His smile wavers. He’s nervous. And I’m still pissed as hell that he left us like he did. “Can I come in?”
I grit my teeth and step aside because I know if I’m really going to move forward, I need closure. I don’t know if I’ll get it, but I have to try. He walks in and looks around.
Monarch bounds up to him, tail wagging. Daddy scratches her ears.
“I went to the ballet,” he says. “Watched rehearsal from the back. You looked so beautiful up there on stage.” He pauses.
“But I didn’t want to approach you there and put you in an uncomfortable spot.
Not in front of everyone.” He puts down the flowers because I make no effort to take them.
“I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me at all. ”
“I didn’t know if I would either.”
We stare at each other with so much to say and no idea where to start.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says when all the air feels like it’s been sucked out of the room. His voice wobbles. “I’m so sorry, Marlowe. For running. For leaving you to deal with my mess. For not being there when you needed me.”
“You left us.” My teeth and fists clench tight. “You left me and Mom like sitting ducks with targets on our backs because of your selfish, self-centered actions. You didn’t even have the decency to warn us about any of it. You just fled. Like a damn coward.”
“I know.” He sweeps a hand over his head.
“I told myself I was protecting you by leaving, that if you knew the truth, it would put you in an even more dangerous position. I figured if I disappeared, they’d follow me and leave you alone.
I never thought it would come to this, that you would have been hurt as you were. But the truth is...”
He swallows hard.
“I was scared. I’ve always been scared. It’s why I gamble. I crave the thrill, the risk. It makes me feel alive in ways nothing else does.” A bitter laugh slips from his lips. “Ironic, isn’t it? The thing that makes me feel alive almost got my daughter killed.”
“Yeah. Ironic,” I snap sarcastically.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t deserve it.” He steps closer. “But I want you to know how much I love you. I’ve always loved you. You’re the best thing I ever did, and I failed you.”
I try hard to keep the tears from falling. But they pool fast with nowhere to go.
“You did fail me.” The words rip out of me, along with a loud sob. “You failed me and Mom and everyone who ever trusted you.”
“I know.” His eyebrows knit together. “But I’m here now. Please tell me that counts for something. I know I have so much to make up for. And so much to be grateful for. But you’re the thing I care most about. And it would destroy me if we couldn’t repair what I broke so carelessly.”
We talk for hours.
He tells me about the island. The fear and the loneliness he felt while he was hidden away, knowing his actions shattered our lives and tore apart everything he’d built with Mom.
Mom told him about Leon, the truckyard, my stalker, and the warehouse shit show.
She also told him about Declan.
“He sounds like a good man, from what your mother told me,” Daddy says. “Flawed. Dangerous. But good. I admit that I don’t love you being involved with a mafia family, but if you love him—”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” I say in a terse voice. “He pushed me away. Said I’d be safer without him.”
“And you believed him?”
“No. But what was I supposed to do? Force him to want me?”
Daddy is quiet for a moment.
“When I met your mother, I was terrified of her. She was brilliant, ambitious, completely out of my league. I almost let her go because I didn’t think I deserved her.”
“What changed?”
“She didn’t give me a choice.” He smiles, but it’s sad. Maybe because he’s remembering why he loved her so much in the first place and realizes what he gave up. “She decided she wanted me, and that was that. Cloris doesn’t take no for an answer.”
“I’m not Mom.”
“No.” He takes my hand. “But you’re strong, just like she is. You always have been. Don’t let fear dictate your choices. not yours, not his. If you love him, fight for him.”
“What if he won’t let me?”
“Then you’ll know you tried. And that’s more than I ever did.” He squeezes my hand. “Don’t be like me, baby girl. Don’t run from the hard things.”
“What’s going to happen between you and Mom?”
“I don’t know yet. Your mother and I... we have a lot to work through. I don’t know if we can. But I’m not running anymore. Whatever happens, I’m facing it.”
“That’s a start.”
“It’s all I’ve got.” He tentatively reaches for me, and I lean into his open arms. “I love you, Marlowe. Whatever happens.”
“I love you, too, Daddy.”
After he leaves, I sit, surrounded by the animals, and think about what he said.
Don’t let fear dictate your choices.
Fight for what you want.
But regardless of what I want, I can’t make Declan fight for me.
I won’t.