Chapter 31
Aguilty smile pulls at her lips. Before she can confirm or deny it, I move with lightning speed, pulling her into my arms.
Her chest slams against my own, her hands falling to her side. Her nipples brush against my skin, and an electric current runs through me. Her breath catches in her throat, as she releases an audible gasp mirrored by one of my own.
My hands are wrapped around her back, touching her bare skin. It’s soft. So damn soft.
A sigh escapes me as I close my eyes, simply enjoying this moment.
My body reacts. Of course it does. I’d have to be dead to not react.
Especially because it is her. But I try to quell those biological impulses.
After all, it’s just a normal physical reaction.
It usually happens whether she’s clothed or not anyway.
Instead, I focus on the moment, on this closeness that might not happen again. I glean every bit of information out of it that I can. The scent of her, clean, fresh, a little fruity. The feel of her skin, soft, warm, comforting. The rhythm of her breath, which calibrates my own.
She’s so small in my arms, fitting so well in my embrace; just like a box finding its lid. Not that she’s in any shape or form a lid; that would be preposterous. Goddamn it! Why is my mind going on such tangents? Instead of finding some beautiful, heartwarming metaphors, I liken her to a lid?
But she is the only lid that fits me. The only one that matches. Any other would be obsolete.
Eyes closed, I lean forward, pressing my forehead to her shoulder. I breathe in and out, feeling every bit of the essence of this shared air; of this shared time.
I’d be lying if my instinct isn’t to do other things. To move faster. To explore more of her. To feel her lips upon my own. To—
“Nyk—” Her voice is muffled, but it’s quickly followed by a shove an an annoyed click of her tongue.
Her hands push against my shoulders, seeking to part me from my place of being.
“Not yet,” I whisper in her hair. “Let me stay like this for a bit more.”
She doesn’t stop struggling. In fact, she brings her knee up and kicks me between my legs. Already aroused, the blow makes me wince in pain.
I open my mouth on a soundless scream before I bite hard on her shoulder.
“Nykander!” She cries out in surprise.
My heart beats fast in my chest as the pain slowly subsides.
“I didn’t know you were such a wildcat, Moe,” I murmur against her skin, licking the teeth mark I made along with a small drop of blood.
If my meridians were clean and I were able to metabolize energy, then my saliva would heal any wound.
Soon.
“I missed you so much. I need to hold you a bit longer.”
I try not to think of how my words come across or the fact that our relationship is not at that level.
In my mind, it’s already a given that it will happen at some point.
Perhaps I am slightly delusional, but I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for Moe to be mine—to admit that she wants me as much as I want her.
And the fact that she followed me gives me hope that perhaps a small part of her does feel that way.
“It hasn’t even been a day,” she adds in a dry voice.
“In my mind it’s been centuries,” I mumble. It’s certainly been enough for me to daydream about our future and imagine countless scenarios. All of them ending with her naked in my arms and with us doing countless of things that I barely dare to think let alone say aloud.
“I didn’t take you for such a sweet talker, Nyk.” She chuckles.
“It’s not sweet talk. It’s the truth. I thought…”
“That you weren’t going to see me again?” She forcefully pulls back, raising a brow at me.
“…” I can’t lie to her.
She snorts and shoves me off her, quickly shielding her body with her arms.
“Look away,” she commands.
I do. I avert my gaze, my face red from a combination of arousal and shame.
She quickly submerges herself to her chin in the water to hide her nakedness.
The steam drifts around, creating a veil between us. She’s so close yet she seems so far away. Just moments ago I could feel her skin against mine and the absence of her touch leaves me bereft.
“Why did you follow me? How?”
“I read your letter,” she simply states.
“But I told you to only read it after I’m gone—“
She rolls her eyes. “Really Nyk? You think that type of request doesn’t raise any questions?”
She stares me in the eyes. Her tone is much more direct than before, much more confident.
“Why would it? I’ve gone on missions before…”
A burst of laughter escapes her. “You’re so oblivious.” She shakes her head, a smile playing at her lips. “I should have realized it earlier just how oblivious you can be, to everything!”
I blink in surprise at her words. “I—“
“Forget the letter. Your behavior was off the moment you came home. You had this guilty air about you and spoke in ambiguous terms. You’re always a little strange to be honest, but that was more so than the usual.”
I barely register her words about my behavior yesterday.
“You think I’m strange?” I ask slowly, doing my best not to let my disappointment show.
She tilts her head, her hair dipping into the water.
“You are very strange Nyk,” she says matter of factly.
“I’ve never known someone like you before.
You’re full of contradictions. Like how you’re the most selfless person I know, but when I suggested I cook something for your department’s get together, you vehemently refused.
You didn’t even want to give a little something to that healer you’ve been seeing as gratitude for her services. ”
“Why should I share your cooking with other people,” I grumble under my breath. “And why should I gift anything to the healer? She’s female! What if she misunderstood my intentions?” I try to defend myself.
It’s in vain. Moe continues, “You’re always so obsessed with making money, to the point that you’re talking in your sleep about it.
The walls are thin, you know. I can hear everything!
But then you refuse to buy yourself nice things.
You ruined your light coat last time and you still haven’t replaced it, but you could afford to buy me a new one. ”
“I have better resistance to the elements, all right?” I grumble.
“And let’s not forget your weird ramblings. That’s very strange, all right? You’re always talking to yourself, though I have no idea what you’re saying.”
“I’m just worried I’ll say the wrong thing so I practice beforehand, okay?”
She raises a brow at me as if to ask: See? I told you so.
“All right so I might be a bit strange. But it’s not as if I have a lot of experience interacting with people.”
“Well, because of that I can read you very well. And last night you were rambling more than usual. So I knew something was wrong. When you mentioned the letter it just confirmed it to me. So I read it and realized what you planned to do. Which, by the way, shame on you!”
“What?” My eyes widen.
“You left knowing we might never see each other again and you just wished me a happy life? A happy life, Nykander? That’s all you could come up with?”
“Well, uhm, I mean… I’m not good with words.”
“That’s an understatement,” she adds drily.
“So you followed me because you were mad at my wording?”
“Half. I wanted you to have the courage to tell me to my face to live a happy life,” she says accusatorially.
“And the other half?” I ask in a low voice.
She sighs. “You didn’t really think of me, did you? I have no other life outside of you. I can never return to the Mortal District, not just because of my family but due to all the rumors about me. Any other place would not take a mortal in so you left me to slowly waste away in that house.”
“But I left you a lot of money.”
“Money, money, money!” She snaps, exasperated. “Who cares about money!”
“It was enough to last you a lifetime—“
“Nykander, shut up.”
I promptly close my mouth.
“See, there you go again being strange.”
Instead of answering I just nod. This pleases her and she smiles at me.
“How did you manage to keep up with me until now though? And without me noticing? It must have been hard,” I add pensively.
She laughs. “Sure, it was a bit hard physically since I’m not used to walking so much or traveling for long hours. But following you was the easiest thing. You were so lost in your own world that you never noticed me.”
I frown. “Where were you?”
“Next to you.”
“No, really.”
“I mean it. You were either sleeping soundly, and muttering about a date location, or you were just staring blankly outside the carriage window.”
“Uhm…”
Alright, it seems I’ve been caught. I can only retreat honorably.
“You did very well. Perhaps I should have been more alert. But that doesn’t mean you can come with me. It’s too dangerous. I’ll take you back in the morning and—“
“And I’ll follow you again. And again,” she simply states.
“I mean it, Moe. It’s very dangerous.” I give her a quick rundown of what I’d heard about my destination and that everyone who goes there goes missing.
“It’s dangerous for you too and you’re going.”
“That’s because I don’t have any other alternative!”
“What do you mean?” She narrows her eyes at me.
“It’s complicated.”
“So?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt, Moe. Please.”
“Fine then. I’ll leave, but only if you tell me to my face that I should have a happy life. Go on, I’m waiting.”
I stare at her, my mouth open.
“It’s easy. Three words. Say them, and mean them. Then I’ll leave on my own. I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.”
“Have a—“ I gulp down uneasily. “Have—“
She raises her brows, waiting. “Yes?”
“Happy.”
“A happy what?”
“L-l—” I look away. It’s like pulling the words with tongs. Even writing those words took me about eight tries. How could I wish her to have a happy life knowing I might never be part of it? Moe is right. I can be selfless. But when it comes to her I’m too fucking selfish.
“It’s going to be dangerous,” I add in a defeated tone.