Chapter 13 #2
“Okay,” he said slowly, and then turned back to my leg. “Tell me why you didn’t while I do this.”
“I don’t know why,” I told him honestly. “I’ve never known why I’m so bad at talking to people. It’s like the words get all jumbled up, and even when I know it would be better to just spit them out and try to sort them out later, it’s like… Oh holy fuck, is that acid?”
“I told you it might hurt,” he said grimly, having cut away my jeans and was now applying the antiseptic with a sterile swab.
“It’s like…” I began with a pant as I tried to adjust to the searing pain. “Like the words get lost behind a wall I can’t get through. So, they stay locked in my head. I did it to Charlene…it’s why it’s hard sometimes to blame her for what she did.”
“It wasn’t right, what she did.”
“No, she knew that. I knew that. I told her that much. And I would never trust her again, not after an affair,” I grunted.
“But I don’t blame her either. For too long, she was on the other side of that wall, banging to be let in, and I just…
didn’t, couldn’t, I don’t know if there’s a difference.
When you’re locked out in the cold for so long, eventually you’re going to seek some warmth, even if it’s in places you should never tread. ”
Reggie was silent for a moment as he carefully wrapped a clean roll of gauze around a clean bandage before nodding. “Life isn’t always as black and white as we want. Is it still alright if I continue to bear a quiet grudge against her for that?”
I eyed him in amusement, even as I winced when pressure sent a fresh wave of pain through my leg. “When…when have I ever been able to stop you from doing anything? When have I ever tried?”
“You’ve tried, and I usually listen.”
“Because I don’t do it that often, that’s probably why.”
“Probably, you’ve always let me be me, even when we were coming at a problem from two different directions.”
“If you were more like I preferred, then you wouldn’t be you.”
“I do like being me.”
“And I like you being you.”
He turned to me, apparently satisfied with his work, and smiled sadly. “Do you like being you?”
The question caught me off guard, but I answered honestly before I could think too heavily about it. “Most of the time…I think. There are some things I wish I could work on, like talking to you more about things, sharing myself better.”
“You do a lot better than you think,” he said, pushing my hair off my forehead and sighing.
“You’re too hard on yourself, Marc. Not everyone is a chatterbox who shares the first thing that pops into their head like me.
You have your own way of sharing things, and yeah, sometimes I have to read between the lines or pull things out of you, but you also have patience with me, and show an understanding many people don’t have for the shit I do.
Whatever we are, whatever kind of relationship is between us, it’s going to be give and take, and all we can do is try to be better. ”
“Spoken like a true Guide,” I said softly. “You’ve always known what to say; I envy that about you. Along with your honesty and your forthrightness.”
He smiled, but then it fell guiltily. “I wish—”
“Hey,” I said, reaching up to poke his frown. “What is that? What’s that about?”
“I haven’t been as forthright as I should have been,” he said with a wince. “I, uh—”
“Is this the thing you and Jude were keeping from me?” I asked with a frown.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lost my temper.
I trusted you to keep an eye on him and make decisions based on your judgement, and I should have trusted that.
Instead, I was…scared there was something I was being left out of, something that might… I don’t know, hurt you or Jude.”
“Jude kissed me,” he said so quickly and quietly I almost missed it.
“I…he…he what now?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“Ugh,” he groaned as if in pain. “I was in his room, talking to him before we left, and the next thing I knew he was kissing me. And I swear to you, Marc, the only reason it lasted as long as it did was because it was like I became a fucking statue. I never kissed him back, and I’ll never tell him this because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I hated the entire thing. ”
“I…okay,” I said, because right now all I could do was tell him I understood what he was telling me. It wasn’t sinking in or making sense, but I understood the words.
He looked desperate. “And we talked. I told him it wasn’t something I was into, and I would never see him like that because, Jesus, he was ten when I met him.
And I know I kept telling everyone we needed to treat him like an adult because that’s what he is, but that is not how I want to treat him as an adult.
And then I left, panicked and scrubbed my mouth as soon as I could and—”
I stared at him. “And then…jumped me in the elevator…after he…and then you—”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered desperately, closing his eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you before, but what the hell was I supposed to say?
And then suddenly you were there, and you were looking fucking good, like you always do, and it just made sense.
If I could just…be with you, if I could have you, then everything that happened would go away.
And then it was over, and it was great, but I felt like shit because what the fuck even was that choice?
And then I told myself I definitely shouldn’t do that shit again until I told you and then last night happened and I… fucked up.”
I stared at him as understanding didn’t crash down so much as it trickled in, building in strength.
When it finally came at me full force, I let out a burst of laughter.
Reggie reeled back, and I instinctively grabbed him so he didn’t fall off the ledge, but continued to laugh.
Above us, two faces peered over the ledge, and that just made me laugh even harder because one of those faces was Jude.
“Okay,” Reggie said slowly, staring at me with wide, horrified eyes. “You’re officially scaring the living fuck out of me right now. I hope you know that. You sound…crazed.”
“No,” I said, gasping for air, trying to push down the laughter, but felt another blast roll through me as I lay there, still in pain. “I just—”
Reggie continued to stare at me as I gulped in air, trying to steady myself and then snickering as I tried to get my laughter under control.
Reggie still looked terrified, but at least he mostly just looked bewildered as he stared down at me, as I laughed harder than I could remember laughing in a long time.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped out, repeating my apology before sucking in a breath and trying again. “It’s just…what the hell?”
“Yeah,” he said faintly. “That’s been my sentiment on the whole thing as well.”
“No, I just…I mean, yes, that’s so fucked up. My son kissed you and then you panicked and had me fuck you in an elevator,” I said with a bark of laughter, smothering it quickly when I saw his horrified expression. “It’s funny, in a fucked-up way.”
“Maybe one day I’ll see the joke, but today is not that day,” he said, staring at me like I’d lost my mind.
Maybe I had. “The funniest thing is that…I was so fucking worried about you. You’ve been acting so weird, so distant, and grumpy. And this whole time, it wasn’t what I thought, but that my son fucking kissed you.”
“Still not seeing the funny part yet,” he said slowly, and then narrowed his eyes. “Wait, what did you think my problem was?”
“Me,” I answered honestly. “I thought it was me, which sounds so egotistical I should probably be ashamed, but I really thought it was because of me.”
“Now why would you think you were the reason for my mood?” he asked, looking calmer now I wasn’t laughing like a crazed person.
“Because we’ve been sleeping together for a few weeks now, I mean, not the whole three weeks, there was a gap there, but yeah, three weeks.”
“Okay, and I’m still not understanding what’s wrong with that. I mean,” he said, and then looked at me warily. “Unless you think there’s something wrong with that.”
“Not on my end,” I said, glad I got that much across even though it made him frown.
“We’ve been friends for years, Reggie. I mean, first you were with Malcolm, and then…
well, jump ahead and we’re friends and we sleep together with no real buildup or communication.
And I just…it didn’t seem right to do that to you. ”
He stared at me. “I…what doesn’t seem right to you?”
“Just…sleeping with you,” I said with a sigh.
“It feels like you’re being treated like a piece of meat, or some side piece I pick up when I want to get laid and then I go on with my life.
You deserve better than that, to have more from me, but I also just…
I don’t know if I’m the right person for that, if I can give you what you deserve.
So, I’ve been biting my tongue because things have been so wonderful and everything has been working out perfectly for us so far.
So, I end up feeling like a selfish prick, and when I tell myself you need more and I should talk to you about it, I run into that wall again and say nothing.
And I thought you were getting fed up with my inability to just say the goddamn words and—”
Reggie stared at me long enough that if it weren’t for fear of hurting myself, I would have squirmed. After a pause, he closed his eyes and scoffed, shaking his head. Then he sighed and placed a hand on my chest. “You really chose this moment to pour your heart out?”
“I suppose now is better than never,” I said with a wince. “Though I wish circumstances weren’t so…bad.”
He rubbed my chest, leaning over me and smiling. “So, if I’m understanding what you’re trying to say here, you want to date me, but you’re afraid you won’t be a good partner?”