Chapter 13 #3
I thought about it for a moment, really thought about it, because I hadn’t considered whether it was something I wanted.
Then again, that had to be what I wanted all along because why else would I have fretted so much about being good enough for him?
If I could provide him with what I believed he needed in a partner.
It made sense I would worry about that if I not only cared about him, but wanted that as well.
“I’ll be honest with you,” he said with a shake of his head.
“I hadn’t given much thought to more between us.
I was just happy we had something to share with one another.
And get that look off your face. I wasn’t saying I’m against the idea of being more than great friends who have amazing, perfect sex. ”
“Finally achieved perfection,” I chuckled.
“But I was just living in the moment, in the present. If there’s anything Malcolm’s death taught me, it’s that the present can sometimes be much more important than the future or the past. And with you, it’s been easy to stay locked into the present, to enjoy what we have.
Maybe at some point I would have realized I wanted more, or less.
Who knows what I would have felt, but I wasn’t worrying or hurt that you hadn’t tried to make more out of things between us. ”
Now that he had…put it out there, it made complete sense, and I felt like the biggest of fools because what he was saying made a lot more sense than whatever drama I had concocted in my head.
Reggie had always been pretty laid-back, never fretting or worrying about much unless it was work, and even then he would get it out of his system and calm down to focus on what needed to be done.
It made sense that he wasn’t stewing away, worried that I was going to use him and move on.
It meant I had to face the reality that…
I wanted more. My concern for his well-being wasn’t just rooted in my desire not to hurt him, but to have him for myself.
Not that there were any other prospects in his life…
that I knew of anyway, but still, I wanted to make sure he was all mine.
All that worry and fear, and for what? To finally realize it was him I wanted, and while I didn’t know when that had started, I knew it still existed inside me.
“You realize you’re gonna have to ask, right?” he asked, and I could see the devilish glint in his eyes as he stroked my chest. “Prove your greatest fear wrong and ignore that wall. Walk around it, break it, whatever it takes, but…do it.”
Was that a requirement? Maybe, maybe not, but if it was, it was a fair one.
And lying there, staring up into his eyes as he smiled down at me, I found it was far easier than I had believed to say. “Be mine? Just mine. It can be you and me against the world, like it has been for a while, but different, with more.”
He was smiling as he took my hand in his other hand, keeping the stroking hand on my chest. “Are you sure? I’m not doubting you, by the way, so get that frown off your face. But you didn’t seem all that sure yourself.”
“I can’t promise I’ll be the person I should be for you, I can’t promise I’m going to give you everything you need, but I can say that I’m going to try, I’m going to live up to what you deserve, I’ll try,” I told him, more intent on getting him to understand than about my leg or getting us off the rock ledge.
“I think maybe you should be less focused on what you think I deserve, and be a little more focused on what I think I want,” he told me.
“Or at least let me have a say in it. Because I’ve seen you, and the standards you hold yourself to, and I don’t trust you to do right by yourself if you’re not supervised. ”
“Like I’m a child,” I said, smiling even though the edges of my vision were wobbling uncomfortably, as if I were drunk. I wasn’t; I hadn’t had a drink in over twenty-four hours, but I felt that way…including some nausea.
“Uh…Marc?” he asked, peering down at me with a frown.
“It’s…I don’t feel good,” I admitted with a grumble. “Doesn’t hurt, though.”
“Oh, shit,” he hissed. “Marc, don’t you do it, don’t you fucking—”
He was angry; actually, he seemed furious, but that was okay. It was all okay. As a matter of fact, it was all going to be okay.
“Thank you for saving Jude,” I told him softly, with a smile. “You almost got yourself killed, and I’m so mad at you for that, but I’m kind of happy too.”
He sighed, brushing my hair. “Why’s that?”
Because it was…wonderful, to know he was there, been there to help my son in his time of need.
Not just when Jude’s life had been in danger, but throughout Jude’s stay at Arete.
Reggie had already had tons of work on his plate, but he hadn’t hesitated to step up when Charlene and I needed someone who could help Jude, well, and help us too.
We, Charlene and I, were so afraid of what was going to happen to Jude, but should we really have been all that worried?
He had always been a good kid, occasionally prone to mischief and could be headstrong at the most random moments, but he’d always been sensible, and he’d always been willing to stand on his own two feet.
Hell, he probably would have stood on them far sooner if Charlene and I had let him, and I wished I could blame her for that alone, but despite our separation, we had tried to work as a team when it came to Jude.
So yeah, I was to blame that Jude might be shakier on his own than he should have been.
After all, didn’t it fit the pattern of so much of the rest of my life?
I had always felt that Charlene should ease back, stop trying to take the wheel and let Jude make his own way in life, a little.
Yet I had stayed behind that wall, passively letting it happen even as deep down I felt that, while maybe not wrong, it wasn’t right to do that to him.
“You didn’t, though,” I told Reggie.
He blinked down at me. “What?”
“You didn’t do that to him,” I said, and then frowned. “Jude.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said with a smile, but it trembled at the corners. “I think you left most of that conversation in your head, Marc.”
“Probably,” I said with a chuckle. “Words are hard.”
“Especially right now,” he said, and I wondered if he realized how beautiful he was, how gorgeous, really.
There was so much he didn’t understand about himself, which was a tragedy because if there was someone I would list as ‘Most Self-Aware’ it would be Reggie.
And yet even then, there was so much about himself that he didn’t realize, that he didn’t understand.
“I’m gonna make you understand,” I said, and then I realized I wasn’t cradled in his lap anymore and that… “Why’s it…where’s the sun going?”
A new face appeared over me, and I stared at her with wide eyes. “Huh?”
“Shock?” she asked, and somewhere I heard Reggie grunt in agreement. “Hello, Mr. Shepherd. I’m Lisa, and I’m one of your rescuers today. Now, this might hurt a bit, but I assure you, once we get you on solid ground, we’ll get you the good stuff. Just, don’t fight us too much, okay?”
I didn’t understand what she meant, but Reggie was right there, so that meant everything was okay. So long as Reggie and Jude were okay, then everything was going to be okay. I really hoped I didn’t die though; I didn’t feel like I was going to die, but well…life happened.
“Or death, I guess,” I snorted, then cried out when I was moved and my leg screamed its agony through the rest of me. “Motherfucker!”
Then there was the sound of ‘Oh shit’ and the agony grew so bright and hot that all that could follow was darkness so total that I gave in to it immediately.
It was a strange darkness, one that clouded my vision in peculiar ways.
I swore I could still see movement, outlines, but none of it made sense; the outlines moved too quickly.
I occasionally heard voices, and I wanted to laugh when I heard Reggie warning someone not to be a ‘weak wristed butter fingered bitch’ as I felt the world around me move.
I could hear…Jude? Well, that was okay, I guess. I mean, I hoped it was okay. That probably meant I wasn’t down there anymore, because I sure as hell hoped it wasn’t a sign that he was down on the ledge with us, but no, that wouldn’t make sense, because he wouldn’t fit. There wasn’t enough space.
A prick, something so small in the face of the pain I was already suffering, and then warmth like the heaviest blanket surrounded me and somehow dragged me into an even more complete darkness.
“You know,” I heard Malcolm say, which made no sense; he was dead and gone, his ashes had been spread at the base of the Appalachian Mountains where he’d grown up.
It was his wish that upon his death, he’d be returned home somehow.
“This is exactly the sort of thing I would’ve expected out of Reg, not you. ”
No, you’re dead. There’s no way you’re talking, not unless—
“You’re not dying, you giant drama queen. God, one little broken bone and you think you’re on your way? Please, you’ve still got plenty of years left in you.”
It couldn’t be him, just…some part of me wished for him in that moment because…because why?
“Because you miss me, idiot. Nothing wrong with that. You love me, and I love you. Just like I love Reggie and he loves me. But I’m gone, so you miss me. You both do.”
I’m sorry…about Reggie.