Chapter 13 #4
“Why? You kept him alive, I think, when he was at his lowest and his worst. When he was ready to give up on everything, and what a waste that would’ve been, eh?
But you dragged him up by the ear and made him take one step at a time until he was ready to do it on his own.
Now look at him. Hell, look at you. Both of you, somehow becoming the very people I knew you were, and then doing even better.
I really should have upped my expectation game, but then again, I thought not dying before thirty was a low expectation, so maybe realistic expectations would never be my thing. ”
No, I meant—
“I know what you meant, but why should I care about that? The two men I loved the most, coming together, first as comfort, then as friends, then best friends and now…now that’s up to you two. I was in love with you, you know?”
I…thought so, once.
“I was, but you weren’t ready to commit to a guy.
Sleep with them, be friends with them, but be in love and commit?
Nah, but that’s okay, because you got Jude out of the deal, and I got Reggie.
But now? Now you have the chance to have Reggie too, all to yourself.
Shame we can’t swap notes, but hey that’s life…
or death, like you said. A word of advice, between friends? ”
Yes. Please, yes, tell me something, anything.
“Don’t pussyfoot around with him. If you meant what you said to him, then you fucking stick to it.
I know from personal experience Reggie will give and give…
so long as he thinks it’s fair, so long as he believes he’s loved and wanted.
You screw that up, he’ll walk away. It might be with a shattered heart, but he’ll walk away.
But you do that for him, you love him, and you try?
Well, you’ll never want for another person again.
You will always have someone in your corner, someone who can and will back you up no matter how much of the world is against you. ”
You’re right…I will…I’ll try.
“Good, I love you both…now, Marc?”
What?
“Maybe it’s time to wake up? Just a thought.”
The light was dim, which meant my eyes were open.
My leg was throbbing, which meant I was awake…
and alive. And there were two weights on the bed, and as I turned my head, I saw Reggie to my right, and Jude on my left.
I smiled at Reggie as he snored softly, face pressed against my right thigh as he slept.
Jude, though, was staring at his phone with a heavy frown as he tapped away with one hand, the other resting over mine.
“Morning,” I said, frowning. “Or evening.”
Jude tensed, his phone dropping to the bed as he turned. “Dad!”
“Shhh,” I said with a nod toward Reggie. “He must be exhausted.”
“He is,” Jude said with a heavy sigh, leaning forward to look me in the eye.
“I’m here,” I told him with a chuckle. “Things are…a little fuzzy, and my leg hurts. Which means the drugs must be wearing off, kind of a shame, but I’d rather be a little fuzzy and hurting than zonked out on pain meds.”
Jude glanced at Reggie, who continued to snore. “He…told them not to give you too much, that when you finally woke up, you’d want to be able to think. That you’d…hate the idea of being so drugged up you couldn’t be yourself…I didn’t know he could make those calls. I thought—”
“You thought it was your mom still.”
“Yeah.”
“It was, but a few years ago I realized I shouldn’t make her deal with that. Reggie offered, and well, it made sense. And now I’m glad I did.”
“I’m…really sorry, Dad,” he said softly, bottom lip trembling.
I smiled. “For what? Almost falling or kissing my boyfriend?”
His face drained of color. “He told you?”
“He did indeed.”
“That—”
“Careful,” I warned, but winked when he blanched. “I won’t ask why you didn’t tell me, not about kissing Reggie, but about you, because it’s not like I was open with you about myself.”
“Oh, so you’ve been…bi?”
“My whole life, and knew about it since my senior year of high school.”
“Oh.”
“You?”
“Uh, figured out I was into dudes when I started, uh,” he glanced at Reggie, facing turning red. “Still not totally sure if I’m into girls though. A little, but mostly—”
“Huh, the opposite of me,” I said with a chuckle, looking at the mark on his forehead. “You okay?”
“Just a scratch,” he said with a shake of his head. “The least I should have after being so stupid.”
“Stop,” I told him firmly. “Just…don’t. We’re all alive, and that’s what matters.”
“But, Dad—”
“No,” I said again. “Stop. If I had to pick this exact scenario above any other, then I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“You could have been killed! And so could Reggie; you both could have—”
Reggie cleared his throat, surprising both of us. “And I’d do it again. Just like your dad would choose to put himself in danger to save me all over again. That’s called loving people; that’s what happens.”
“And I’m fairly certain your mother would prefer it to have happened this way,” I said with a snort.
“You’d be right,” I heard her familiar voice, and I looked over to see her leaning against the doorway to my hospital room.
Her hair was tied back in a loose bun, and it looked like she had thrown on whatever she could find before flying out of the house.
It had been years since I’d seen her look anything but immaculately dressed and primped up.
“Charlene,” I said in surprise. “You’re looking…well, jet legged, sorry.”
“Because I hopped on the first plane I could find when Jude called and told me,” she said as she walked in to lay a hand on Jude’s shoulders. “I never thought I’d be standing here for something like this…but here we are.”
“Here we are,” I said.
Her stern expression softened. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re okay.”
That she had rushed here said a lot more than her words, but I kept that to myself and smiled. “You and I both.”
She looked at Reggie. “And you…thank you for saving my son. Marc was right to say that you were the best choice to keep an eye on him just in case something happened. And look at that, something happened.”
Reggie fidgeted. “Uh…thank you? This is weird.”
“A little,” Charlene admitted graciously, her shoulders sagging slightly. “So…you and Marc, eh?”
The three of us stared at her in surprise, but it was me who spoke first. “How long were you standing there?”
“Long enough,” she said, a ghost of a smile on her face.
“Quit looking so horrified, Marcus. I figured you out the first time you introduced me to Malcolm, but I assumed that if you weren’t going to say anything, then it wasn’t my place to bring it up.
After all, for all that I blamed you for, for all that I hated you for… I never thought you would—”
There was a long pause as all four of us knew what words filled that gap, but I knew saying them aloud was too much for her, and I took pity. “Well, I suppose late is better than never. But…I should point out that he hasn’t officially agreed to anything with me yet.”
She glanced at me and then at Reggie, her lips thinning. “Come get a coffee with me, Jude.”
“Mom, I—”
“Jude,” she said with a meaningful stare.
It was his turn to look between Reggie and me before grimacing. “Right, yeah, of course. Dad, I—”
“I know,” I said, squeezing his hand. “There’s time.”
“And Reggie—”
“You heard your dad,” he told Jude. “Don’t start with me either. I’d do it again, even if the result was worse. Got it? Now get going.”
He looked so much like a little boy as he walked away, unsure of himself but listening.
I thought Charlene was going to walk off, but she looked at Reggie and then me before sighing.
“Don’t screw this one up, Marc. And Reggie?
Good luck, there’s a damn fine partner in this one.
I hope you have a better time finding out. Someone should.”
Reggie waited until she left before snorting. “I think that is the nicest I’ve ever seen her be.”
“She can be nice,” I told him softly. And gentle, sweet, and needy when there was space for it, when she felt safe.
“It’s a yes, by the way,” Reggie said, threading his fingers through mine and scooting closer so he could sit next to where my head was.
“I tried telling you that, but you were kind of…well, you were really loopy. Kept muttering to yourself and then just…wake up and say the most random shit. I figured I should probably wait until you were a little more, you know…aware.”
“Not a bad call,” I said with a chuckle.
“Even after they drugged you up, you were muttering,” he said with a smile. “Glad to see you’re awake and not loopy.”
“I dreamed about Malcolm,” I told him softly.
His eyes softened further. “Oh, yeah, how was he?”
“Oh, you know, bossy, sarcastic, gave me shit and advice. Kept laughing at me, basically.”
“So…he was Malcolm,” Reggie said with a laugh.
“He also told me he loved us both, and was glad the two men he’d loved the most in life had found each other and then some. So, you know, typical wish fulfillment, drug-fueled dream.”
“Maybe,” he said, resting a hand on the side of my head. “Maybe not. I’ve never swung one way or the other about that sort of thing, but maybe a little of that Arete magic was still with you, and found him for you.”
I groaned. “Not the magic again.”
He chuckled, leaning forward and kissing my cheek. “I am who I am, Marc.”
“That you are,” I said with a smile. “It’s my favorite thing about you.”
“Well, that’s good,” he said with a cock of his head. “Because you’re definitely my favorite person.”
“Well, that’s good…and I meant what I said…out there. I want all those things with you, the potential for something…I mean, different, more? But I can only promise to try; I can’t promise I will. I won’t make that promise to you; it wouldn’t be fair.”
“I wouldn’t accept it anyway,” he said, leaning his head on my chest and smiling.
“But I believe with all my heart that you want to try, and I’ll be right there to help you stay on track.
But I’m not worried about it; I have faith in us.
And even if it doesn’t work, we’ll find a way to still be okay with each other. ”
“I don’t want us to be just ‘okay’ with each other,” I insisted.
“Hey,” he said, tilting his face up. His smile was tired, but so beautiful. “Just…be present with me. Just be here. That’s all I need…all we need.”
“Okay,” I said after heaving a breath and getting lost in his smile and the glimmer in his eyes that might have been love, or it might be the tears from the heavy yawn he gave while I watched him. Either way, I nodded. “Okay.”
I would just be…present.