Luka #2
“No, but many people think that if you aren’t a helper, then you must be a hurter. I can see Cade is carrying several lifetimes of guilt and pain under that smile...and Clay, for that matter.”
I raised a brow. “Clay? Really?”
“He let it slip the other day that he didn’t use to be so hypersexualized. When I probed a little further, I didn’t get very far, but far enough to know something significant happened in recent memory that changed him. It could be a tragedy, or it could have been like my ex.”
“Your...ex,” I said slowly and then cocked my head. “What was his or her story?”
A small smile curled at the corners of his lips.
“He...was stuck in the closet, so far down even he didn’t realize.
It wasn’t until a few years before I met him that he discovered he was solely attracted to men.
The revelation was apparently shocking to him, and despite the way it turned his life upside down, it didn’t change the fact that he had an entirely new world open up.
He was hypersexual after that, until he discovered that as fun as promiscuity was, it was ultimately empty and hollow. ”
“Almost making up for lost time?” I asked.
“Indeed,” Rowan said, bringing his shirt up to wipe his face, and making me narrow my eyes as I felt my gaze pulled to the miles of skin he was showing. “Which is when he realized he wanted something more, and began dating.”
“You said ex. Why did you break up?”
He gave me a rueful smile. “He discovered a year into our relationship that he wanted to have fun while still having the security and company of a partner.”
I winced. “Ah, I see. I’m going to guess you weren’t privy to that decision.”
“I was not.”
“And when you found out?”
“I removed him from my life. I am many things, but my heart is not a halfway house, and whatever failings I possess, I do not deserve to be used.”
I eyed him. “You know, I really admire that.”
“But?”
“Huh?”
“That had an unspoken ‘but’ hanging off it.”
I laughed. “Okay, busted. But I wonder what’s going on in that head of yours that you needed to come here for the program that focuses on healing.”
Something strange and unreadable flashed over his face before he shook his head, making it disappear. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“I’m not so sure of that.”
“I would be hard, but it’s better than being arrogant enough to believe you’re capable of helping another person so casually.”
“Are you...being nice?”
“I have my moments,” he said, leaning back and pushing into his back.
“Most of my early, negative, and unspoken criticisms of you were accurate but unfair when presented with the full context. I think you’re far more capable of doing this job than you give yourself credit for, something that won’t be alleviated until you’ve had time to get your feet properly wet. ”
I squinted. “What unspoken criticism?”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m not telling you because, as I said, it wasn’t fair.”
“I don’t even get a teaser?”
“That was the teaser.”
I sighed, watching as he used the bench to stretch. I cleared my throat. “What are you, uh, doing after this?”
“Well, I planned on rinsing off in the showers as I’m covered in sweat,” he said. “And then I was thinking about grabbing something to drink and reading.”
“I see, are you leaving now?”
“I might be. Are you interested in showering with me?” he asked wryly, his expression shifting to one of surprise. “That was an ill-timed joke, not—”
“Not you breaking your promise not to bring up what happened between us unless I brought it up first,” I finished, amused at seeing him suddenly so awkward. “I think this is the first time I’ve seen you embarrassed.”
“I...made a promise. I was trying to make it clear that I wasn’t breaking it,” he said, averting his gaze.
I smiled. “And so another piece of the puzzle snaps into place.”
“I am no puzzle,” he said roughly.
“You are. More than you think,” I said, dropping onto the bench he was using to stretch. “I keep trying to see the whole picture, but I’ve been struggling. I’m no closer to getting the answer than I was before, but this at least makes things a little clearer.”
“And what does that tell you?” he asked in a dry tone that wasn’t welcoming or dismissive.
“You’re direct whenever you can be, though you know how to be tactful or hold back, so you’re not brutally honest. I can’t really say whether you’re willing to lie or hide things, but you’re human, so you probably are.
At the same time, you put weight behind words, which is why you wouldn’t tell me what you thought of me at first, because you don’t want those words to have more weight than your current ones, which is probably why you’re hesitant to speak up even when your face says plenty.
And you’re not unreasonable; you can be a little harsh, but you pay attention, you listen, and so far, you’ve shown you’re willing to shift your opinion about people if you aren’t pushed. ”
His expression never changed, but there was something different about his face, and I realized he was analyzing my analysis. Or maybe he was analyzing the analyzer. “I see, anything else?”
I smiled. “You use ‘I see’ a lot, as if that explains the situation when, in fact, you’re using it to shut down a conversation or stall for time. I bet, right now, you’re surprised by how accurate my assessment was, and you’re not sure how to move on.”
The corner of his lips twitched. “And we see you are perhaps not as hopeless at this job as you thought.”
That took me by surprise, but I rallied. “And it means I realize that although we are not peers in the traditional sense, neither are you some helpless guy who doesn’t know what’s going on. I didn’t cross an ethical line.”
“You did not,” he affirmed.
“And—”
“And?”
“And I’m having a hard time maintaining professionalism when you keep stretching like that,” I admitted as he did it again, making his ass stick out even more than before.
It wasn’t helped by the fact that his shorts kept riding up and showing off his thighs for me to admire as the muscles stretched and shifted under his skin.
He paused, peering at me. “Should I ask you if you want to do something about that distraction, or should I stop stretching?”
I laughed nervously. “I’m not going to tell you not to stretch after a workout. I don’t want you straining your muscles.”
“A hot shower works just as well,” he said, glancing toward the locker rooms. “It seems like you need one yourself.”
I knew what he was hinting at. I had invited it and would have to deal with the consequences.
Of course, I could find a way to avoid his offer, and hell, I could turn him down and say nothing was ever going to happen between us again.
Rowan would be like most people and would feel the sting of rejection, but he appreciated the direct approach.
I could do it right now, as a matter of fact, cling to what little professionalism I had left, look him in the eye, and tell him it didn’t matter if I hadn’t done anything ethically or morally wrong; there had to be a way for us to bond that didn’t require physical intimacy.
That I wanted to be his friend, to help him, but that didn’t have to involve us sleeping together.
“A shower would be great,” I said instead, a part of me hoping there was someone in there already and we’d have to shower like well-behaved people instead of whatever idea was in his head. The rest of me, though? Well, my thoughts were anticipating whatever was to come.
The small voice in my head, which was probably the voice of reason, was disappointed when we stepped into the locker room and found that Cade had not, in fact, lingered after his workout and no one else had come in.
That made sense; most of the guys at the resort worked out in the mid-afternoon or early morning.
Evening was when they wanted quiet time alone, or to hang out with other guests or Guides.
Rowan wasted no time opening the locker he’d used and grabbing his supplies.
I did the same and followed him toward the showers.
Although every person in the building, staff or guest, had showers in their rooms, the showers in the locker rooms were less private.
Thought had been put into the decision not to create individual shower stalls, but it had a high school locker room feel.
There were stalls with partitions about waist high that covered most of what could be seen from the side, but you would have to be awfully short not to be able to glance over the edge and see everything your neighbor was working with. ..not that I had ever done that.
“Privacy without actual privacy,” he mused thoughtfully as he walked to one corner of the room and flipped on the shower.
“I was thinking the same thing,” I laughed as I took a breath and chose the ‘stall’ next to him. “Doesn’t hide much.”
“I suppose they rely on the individual to be responsible enough not to peek.”
“Or maybe it’s some sort of bonding thing, like sports teams.”
“Perhaps,” he said as he stripped without his usual reluctance when others were around, and began tucking his clothes into the small cubbies so they wouldn’t get soaked.
Then again, he was sharing the space with the only person in the building who knew what he looked like naked, so perhaps he didn’t feel the need to be wary.
Which would have been comforting, a sign that I was doing my job right, but it was just a reminder that I’d done something I never thought I’d do with a guest.. .and was contemplating doing it again.
“In for a penny,” I muttered as I stripped off my sweat-drenched clothes and stuffed them into a bag before throwing them into a cubby and stepping into my stall.
“So,” he began after a few minutes of silent washing. “Have you?”
“Have I what?” I asked as I finished rinsing the soap off.
He smirked as he rubbed shampoo into his hair, head tilted back. “Peeked.”
“At someone here?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, uh,” I laughed nervously. “Once.”