Walker #2
At the top was a room that looked like a comfortable living room in an upscale apartment.
There were chairs and couches against one wall, and a couple of chairs around a small table near the opposite wall, which was made of glass.
I realized this was the room Cade had mentioned before, a lounge of sorts for anyone to look out on the mountains.
There was even a small drink station, a little placard posted on the counter with the time the coffee had been replaced.
There was nowhere else to go, so other than hoping he respected that I was trying to avoid him, I walked up to the wall of glass and peered out.
Everything was covered in a sparkling cover of brittle white.
The mountain peaks shot up through the skyline, and I wondered how high up we were.
There were patches of trees, most of them firs, completely covered and looking sleepy and peaceful as I stood watching the sunlight make everything glitter like gemstones.
I tensed when I heard Cade’s voice. “Oh sure, ya come up here only after you’re tryin’ to hide from me.”
“It’s not hiding when I’m in the only room that wasn’t locked,” I said, not knowing if the rooms I’d passed on the way were closed, just dark. “If I were trying to hide, I would be tucked in a closet somewhere, don’t you think?”
“Avoidin’ me then,” he said, not taking the bait I was dangling. “And don’t say you’re not.”
I thought about being an ass and trying to deny it anyway, but I kept the words behind my teeth and sighed.
“I told you, okay? I told you I needed some distance between us, that I needed to work things out. And I meant what I said. I’m sorry I did that, but I needed space and I needed time.
And I need those things right now, too. Just because I…
because I went too far doesn’t change that. ”
Fuck, I was as bad as Logan, or close enough that I was uncomfortable with the comparison. Actually, I was worse, because unlike Logan, I hadn’t given Cade the chance to tell me no; I had just…helped myself to kissing him.
I could point out that I’d already said I needed time and space, but that Cade had continued to push.
I could also point out that when someone told you they were trying not to jump your bones, touching them wasn’t a good idea, even when that was the way you connected with another person.
I could even point out that continuing to hunt me down after I’d kissed him against his will was also a terrible idea, but… that wouldn’t fly.
In the end, I was the one who had kissed him.
I had fought it, because all I could see during the last part of the conversation was his lips as he tried his best to make me understand his point.
I had been the one to cross a line, though, not him, and it wasn’t his fault that I had done what I had; that was all on me.
“Stop,” he growled, snapping me out of my thoughts and back to the present. It made me curse inwardly because despite my shame and guilt, I felt a tingle in my groin at the low, almost dangerous noise. “Don’t look so surprised; I can see you’re beatin’ yourself up.”
“I have every right to beat myself up,” I said, snapping my eyes away from him and out the window.
The last thing I needed was to be fucking turned on.
I had done enough damage by being a horn dog; I didn’t need to add to it.
“I’m as bad as Logan. I should just give up and hang out with him, birds of a feather and all that. ”
“Why were ya talkin’ to him?” he asked, sounding irritated.
“Believe it or not, he was trying to apologize,” I said with a snort. “There was more to it than that, but yeah, basically he was trying to explain where his head was at and to apologize for being a creep.”
“Explain? What could he have to explain that?” Cade asked irritably.
I thought about telling him, but…well, even if it was obvious Logan wasn’t straight, it wasn’t my place to out him. “Explain, not excuse. I said he was trying to apologize.”
“I hope ya told ’em to fuck off.”
“I thought about it, but…I couldn’t help feeling bad for him. I accepted his apology.”
“You’re kiddin’ me.”
“Believe it or not, I’m not really feeling like kidding right now.”
I turned as he took a couple of steps closer, letting the door close behind him. “Ya can’t be serious? After what he was doin’? What he was tryin’ to do?”
“He was being pushy; he wasn’t on top of me trying to force it in,” I told him in annoyance. “I think I know the difference, Cade.”
“Ya can’t actually believe him, right?” he asked in a doubtful tone.
I turned toward him, raising a brow. “So what if I did? You weren’t part of the conversation, you didn’t hear him, and you aren’t the one who’s supposed to accept or refuse his apology; that’s on me. So maybe you should dial it back a little and think about that first.”
“He’s a piece of shit,” Cade grumbled.
“Since when did you become so cynical?” I asked. “And apparently I need to remind you I’m not fucking helpless, and I’m not an idiot.”
“I know that!” he protested.
“Do you? Because the evidence is stacking up that you seem to think I’m one or both things. Like I’m some helpless, fragile porcelain doll that needs to be treated with the utmost care,” I snapped.
“I didn’t say that,” he barked, stepping closer.
I turned to face him, having nowhere to go since my back was almost touching the glass, but also unwilling to back down.
“Is that why you were okay with everything the other day? Because poor Walker, he just can’t help himself.
He’s not actually a real adult; he’s not able to help himself. Better to just forgive him.”
“That’s not—”
“Is that why you’re here now? To tell me it’s all okay? That you don’t blame me because deep down, you don’t think I can take care of myself? So that means I can’t be responsible for myself.”
“Walker—”
“Well, fuck that. I’m a grown ass man, and that means I have to take responsibility for the shit I do, the good and the bad.
So if I have to choose between you flippantly forgiving me for kissing you against your will, or being held responsible for my choices, I’m going to choose the second every goddamn time, you hear me? ”
“I liked it!” he roared, and I finally backed up and felt my back hit the glass as he stepped close, radiating a menace born from frustration.
I stared at him, and he stared right back, neither of us daring to move.
He wasn’t touching me, but he was close enough that with nowhere else to go, I was left feeling trapped.
Except, I wasn’t trapped by someone who was a threat; I was trapped by Cade, one of the few people on this planet I trusted completely.
“I…what?” I got out as his words finally sank into my brain.
“I liked it,” he repeated, blinked and straightened slightly, looking confused. “I liked it.”
“You said that,” I drew out carefully, wondering if he had found some hidden stash of alcohol somewhere in the resort. I didn’t smell booze on him, but either he was drunk, I was drunk, or he had really just said that. “And again, what?”
He frowned thoughtfully. “I liked it.”
“Okay, did you just break yourself?” I asked in exasperation and no small amount of desperation to get some more information.
“I wasn’t ready for me to say that,” he said, sounding a little sheepish.
“Well, that’s not what straight men normally say after they’ve been kissed by a guy,” I said with a frown. “What do you mean, you liked it?”
“I knew I was feelin’ some kind o’ way about it, I mean, you kissed me,” he said, and I felt my face warm with a renewed flush of shame. “I didn’t know what I was feelin’, but I was definitely feelin’ somethin’, ya know?”
“I’m not sure that I do know,” I said slowly, wanting to reach out when it would be easy with him so close, but not daring to.
There was a growing feeling inside me I didn’t trust, and if I took the smallest step too far in the wrong direction, I would end up making another decision I was bound to regret.
“And I was comin’ to talk to you about it, ’cause I was wonderin’ what all that was about and you’re like…
the only person I can talk to about stuff like that right now,” he said, then winced.
“S’pose I could’ve called Isaac, but it felt right to talk to you.
Then you were yellin’ at me and sayin’ shit that didn’t make no sense and was wrong.
And I was gettin’ frustrated and it just… came out.”
“Right, I was there for that part,” I said, still watching him in disbelief. “The whole thing, actually.”
I jerked when he took me by the shoulders and held me there, staring at me with that same flabbergasted expression on his face. “But that’s it, I liked it!”
“Cade,” I said.
“What?” he asked.
“You sound like one of those cartoon scientists, except you’re not yelling ‘eureka’ right now.”
He stared at me, and I could see his confusion. “I mean…like I said, I was wonderin’ what all those weird feelin’s were about, and now I figured it out.”
“Cade,” I said gently, because he was clearly having…a moment. I didn’t know if it was just confusion masquerading as revelation, or what was going on, but the universe was intent on making me deal with everyone else rather than what was going on in my head. “That makes zero sense.”
He frowned. “It makes sense.”
“I think you might be a little confused right now, alright? There’s plenty of reasons you would think you liked it.
After all, you haven’t exactly…had the easiest time with, uh, I don’t want to say ‘keeping people around you’ because that sounds like you’re doing something wrong.
But whatever the not offensive version of that sentence is, that’s the one I want. ”
I hated the way the happiness on his face at his ‘discovery’ disappeared and was replaced by hurt. “I’m not makin’ anythin’ up.”