Chapter 7
Icannot believe my brother did this to me.
Jonathan closed his eyes briefly and grimaced.
Seeing Lady Susanna again had been a torment entirely unexpected.
He had warred within himself as he had come to stand in the same group as her, not entirely certain whether he was actually going to be able to look her in the eye.
The lie had come easily enough to his lips, stating that they were not previously acquainted.
He did not want Lady Theresa and Lady Evelina to know of it, though, now that he looked back upon that conversation, it would have meant very little to them as to whether or not he was already known to Lady Susanna.
It had been a strange reaction and an unusual response, but perhaps, he considered, in his own way, he had been trying to protect his heart.
Not that it has done much good.
Lifting his head, Jonathan sighed and then went in search of the very lady that his heart still yearned for.
It was a foolishness indeed, he knew, but he had not been able to prevent his heart lurching towards the lady when he had first come near to her.
His reasons for ending their connection had nothing to do with her but with her family and her father.
It meant that his heart was still open to her, despite his attempts to pull all affection out of himself.
Curling his hands into tight fists, he steeled himself as his eyes caught sight of Lady Susanna.
She was smiling at Lady Ellen, her eyes bright and her cheeks pink – and his heart betrayed him by slamming hard into his chest. Pausing for a moment to catch his breath, he closed his eyes, swallowed thickly, and then walked towards her.
“Lady Susanna.” He did not manage to look into her face, fearing that the great swell of emotion within him would suddenly shatter should he catch her gaze. “We are to dance.”
There came a long, pronounced pause. When he looked at her, she was holding Lady Ellen’s gaze, the color gone from her cheeks, and her hands twisting together in front of her. A frown pulled at his own forehead. Was she about to refuse him?
“Lord Lancashire.” Lady Ellen turned smartly towards him, her smile fixed. “I think that Lady Susanna –”
“It is quite all right.” Lady Susanna shut her eyes briefly, then forced a smile. “Of course, Lord Lancashire. Thank you.”
He nodded, seeing Lady Ellen lift her eyebrows in surprise.
Perhaps Lady Susanna had been intending to refuse him, to make some excuse as to why they could not stand up together.
“Shall we?” Turning away from her, he began to walk towards the center of the ballroom, only to pause.
Propriety demanded that he offer her his arm.
He did not want to, of course, but he did so all the same, feeling her fingers settle on his just as his heart catapulted around his chest.
He scowled.
“This must be just as discomfiting for you as it is for me.”
Surprised at the boldness of her remark, Jonathan looked straight back at her, but the lady kept her gaze fixed straight ahead.
“You did not want to dance, I know that. Most certainly, you did not want to dance with me.”
“No,” he agreed, his tone low. “I did not.”
The moment he said those words, Jonathan regretted them. Pain struck Lady Susanna’s expression, and she winced obviously, making his own heart twist with regret. He had not meant to speak in such a way as that. He was not a gentleman inclined towards cruelty.
“I did not mean –” Pausing, he dropped his head and let out a slow breath. “This is painful, Lady Susanna. For us both. I would rather spare myself further pain.”
She stopped walking, her eyes rounding as he glanced at her, only managing a second or two of looking into her eyes before he could bear it no longer. When she spoke, her voice was low, her words coming out in a hiss. “You would rather spare yourself pain?”
He realized in an instant what he had said and what that must mean to her. He had not spoken of her, had not spoken of her feelings or her pain. He licked his lips, wondering if he should say something more, only for her to drop her head, close her eyes, and sigh.
“I should not be surprised,” she said, as the music began. “After all, you have not thought of me once in all of this, it seems.”
Jonathan had no choice but to take her in his arms and begin the dance, the music papering over any tension and silence between them.
Her hand was small in his, her fingers trembling slightly, and the warmth of her palm against his own sent a jolt of recognition through him — the memory of other dances, other evenings, when her touch had been the brightest part of his world.
The scent of honey blossom clung to her, faint but unmistakable, and it stirred something deep in his chest that he had spent a year trying to bury.
Swallowing at the tension in his throat, Jonathan looked away from her, following the steps of the dance but having no enjoyment in it whatsoever.
He was acutely aware of every point of contact between them — the press of his hand at her waist as they turned, the brush of her skirts against his leg, the way her breath caught each time the dance brought them close.
Were they to remain silent throughout this dance?
Was there nothing he could think to say?
He shook his head, stepping away from her for a few moments as he tried to regain his composure.
Telling himself that he did not need to think about Lady Susanna’s feelings or the like, he returned to her and once more, took her hand in his.
“Tell me.”
His eyebrows lifted as Lady Susanna’s eyes sought his, his lips trembling, her hand tightening on his. “I beg your pardon.”
“Tell me!” Her eyes widened, a sudden, unexpected strength threading through her words and her grip upon his fingers. “You have made me wait for days, weeks, months without explanation, and now you return to London without seeming to care an ounce about what your absence has done to me.”
Jonathan swallowed and looked away, the words tying a knot in his throat.
He had never expected this from her. She had barely been able to look at him when they had first met, and he had felt himself eager to put distance between them.
He feared now that he would not be able to keep that distance unless he answered her question.
Was that not what Lord Kettering had told him to do?
Did he not state that he ought to explain to her all that had happened?
“Now is not the time, Lady Susanna.”
“No?” Her eyes flashed, but at the same time, her chin trembled. “I think you have had enough time to formulate an explanation, Lord Lancashire. Do you not know what you have done to my heart?”
It was the tremble of her lip that made Jonathan’s heart tear with such a sharpness that he caught his breath. He had been a fool to think that his heart had forgotten her.
“Once we are finished with the dance, I will walk with you.”
The decision was made in an instant. He took her hand and, as the music continued, spun her lightly around.
She said nothing, her lips pinched, her eyes no longer searching his face.
The strain between them grew with ever-increasing strength until Jonathan wished with every fiber of his being that the music would come to an end.
With agonizing slowness, it eventually came to a close. Jonathan bowed low, Lady Susanna curtsied, and then, with a swiftness that he had not anticipated, clutched at his arm and came to stand directly beside him.
The scent of sweet honey blossom drifted towards him, and his stomach kicked.
“I will be brief.” Gritting his teeth and pushing away the sensations that ran through him at her nearness, he cleared his throat and looked straight ahead. “You will, no doubt, be entirely unaware of your father’s situation, so I must beg you to understand that I do not hold you responsible.”
Lady Susanna’s fingers tightened on his arm. “My father’s situation?”
“I received a warning from a gentleman I hold in great respect,” he said, as they came back towards the crowd of guests.
“Your father has made some… poor financial decisions of late. I could not allow myself – nor risk my own reputation by continuing with our acquaintance. I am sorry for that, but there is the truth of it.”
She dropped her hand from his arm in an instant. Jonathan half expected her to walk away without a word, but instead, she turned on her heel and looked straight up at him, her brown eyes dark with shadows.
“You received a letter?” Her lip curled slightly. “And you believed all that was contained within it without question?”
Shifting on his feet and aware that there were some nearby who might overhear him, Jonathan did his best to keep his voice low. “Yes. I did make some small enquiries also.”
“And you did not think to speak to my father about your concerns? You did not think to speak to me?”
Jonathan opened his mouth and then closed it again.
He had not thought to do such a thing, but he certainly was not about to state that aloud to her!
The enquiries he had made and the word of Lord Blackwood had been more than enough for him to realize he had to separate himself from Lady Susanna.
To have spoken to her father would have done more harm than good, he was sure.
“You stepped away from me without warning and broke my heart to pieces,” she told him, her voice not in the least bit quiet.
“You promised me so much and then gave me nothing but darkness and confusion.” Her eyes closed as she trembled visibly.
“I believed your words. I trusted your promise of affection and of a future together. What a fool I was.”
Jonathan opened his mouth to say something more, wanting to tell her that he had meant every word, only for her to open her eyes. They were piercing; the pain melded there, striking at him hard.
“I do not believe you ever felt anything for me,” she said, her voice rasping now.
“I have wasted too much time thinking about you. But no longer.” With a lift of her chin, she offered him a tight-lipped smile.
“There was never anything true between us, it seems. Good evening, Lord Lancashire. I doubt we will need to be in company again.”
Strangely, Jonathan did not feel any sort of relief at this. Instead, he wanted to reach out to her, to catch her hand and to say… something. Something that might get her to stay, to understand, to believe that he had truly been in love with her.
But he did not.
Watching her walk away, he let out a long, slow breath and then shook his head.
He should be glad that the conversation had come to an end, for he had said all that had been needed, and now, nothing more was required.
He did not need to give any further explanations, did not have to get into a long discussion about what they had once shared and why it could no longer be.
They could acknowledge each other, but there would be no further need for strain, tension, or awkwardness between them.
So why do I feel no better?
Scowling, Jonathan rifled one hand through his hair, only to realize what he was doing.
Dropping his hand and hoping he had not made a complete mess of his appearance, he lifted his head and set his shoulders.
The ballroom continued around him — couples laughing, fans fluttering, the orchestra striking up a new set — and he stood in the midst of it all, feeling as if he were watching from a great distance.
The world was bright and busy and full of the Season’s pleasures, and none of it could reach him.
He would push aside his regret and his frustration; he would ignore the way his heart still yearned for her and, instead, would think only of the pleasantness he could garner from the Season.
Perhaps his brother and Lord Kettering were correct to encourage him to smile and dance and laugh with the young ladies of London, for it would certainly be better than all he was feeling at present!
Any connection between myself and Lady Susanna is now well and truly over, he told himself, firmly. There is nothing for me to do now but to enjoy myself, and that is precisely what I intend to do.
All the same, as he thought such fine words to himself and made his way slowly through the crowd in search of some warm, familiar faces, Jonathan’s heart continued to sink low, pulling his spirits downwards.
He had thought that this conversation would be a final stepping away from Lady Susanna, leaving nothing unsaid or undone between them.
Instead, he feared that he would never be able to forget her completely.