Chapter 12 #2
“I overheard a conversation,” he said, his face downcast. “It made me question what I had been told by Lord Blackwood. Thereafter, I went to speak with Lord Blackwood directly, to ask him about the letter and what had been contained within it. Mayhap you have had the opportunity to do the same?”
Susanna blinked. “No, not as yet.”
Lord Lancashire’s smile was rueful. “If you had, then you would have been faced with the realization that Lord Blackwood knew nothing about the letter.”
A frown lined her forehead. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that he had no knowledge of it,” Lord Lancashire told her, taking a step closer and making her quake inwardly.
“I tried to discuss it with him, but he told me that he had never once sent me a letter.” Shutting his eyes, he winced.
“And fool that I was, I believed that the letter was from him, and because of the strength of his connection with so many and the high standing he has in society, I did not go to speak with him directly upon receiving his letter. If I had, then I would have learned that he had not penned it and that something more was being done.”
A joy coupled with frustration burst through her heart, making Susanna want to stamp her foot, throw up her hands – and then throw them around his neck the very next moment.
Instead, she simply folded her arms over her chest, not as a way to push him back from her but as protection from her own desires.
He had not said anything as yet about their own connection, only about this letter and what he had come to realize.
That did not mean there was any real hope for her.
“I cannot fully understand it,” he continued, moving another step closer to her, his voice lowering, his eyes searching hers. “I do not know what it means, for I made my own enquiries and heard that these investments had been made and that there were debts.”
She tilted her head, holding his gaze steadily. “Might I ask what sort of enquiries?”
“I spoke to my own solicitors,” he explained. “I informed them of what I had heard and asked them to see whether there was any truth in it or not. The reason I asked them such a thing was so that I could know whether or not I ought to be concerned.”
Catching the edge of her lip in between her teeth, Susanna considered this and, at the same time, assessed Lord Lancashire’s expression and the fervency in his gaze which burned right through to her very soul.
What was it he wanted from her in this? Was it to apologize?
He had not done that as yet, but perhaps that was all he desired.
“Susanna?”
She looked away, hating the tenderness in his voice, for it blossomed in her heart all the more when she should be filled with irritation at his presence and anger at his foolishness in accepting Lord Blackwood’s letter without hesitation.
“I am sorry.”
Her eyes shot back towards his, her throat tightening, her heart beating so wildly, she was sure he could hear it.
“I have been so foolish,” he continued, a tiny catch in his voice.
“I was already struggling with my brother’s reckless actions and the financial concerns his decisions had brought.
So when I heard from Lord Blackwood, my mind was instantly pulled towards an even greater fear.
I was terrified of losing my family’s good standing, of having the ton turn their back upon me, and the potential damage to future heirs to the title.
Family honor must be preserved, as I know you understand. ”
“I do understand it,” Susanna replied, a tiny sting of pain striking her heart. “But is it truly greater than love?”
The words came out of her mouth before she had even a chance to comprehend her own thoughts.
Lord Lancashire blinked, frowned, and then looked away, his jaw flexing.
Susanna could not say anything more, looking down at the floor again, her face hot.
What she had said had sounded accusatory, but she had not meant it that way.
Perhaps it was that the love she had held in her heart for him had been greater than what he had felt for her.
Perhaps it was not fair for her to hold him to such a standard.
“You are right.”
Her eyebrows lifted as he turned his head to look back at her, his hands going out on either side before falling back against his body.
“There is nothing more I can say to that, Susanna,” he continued, an invisible weight seeming to stoop his frame.
“It should have been more; that much is clear to me. The love we shared should have been more – but it was not. I let my fears and my concerns drive my actions, and in doing so, I turned away from you without explanation. I have treated you without consideration. I have pushed you away and never once thought to tell you my reasons why. Mayhap if I had come to you with my worries and my fears, you would have understood.”
Heat began to burn behind her eyes. “We could have tried to understand things together,” she said, hoarsely. “All I needed was an explanation.”
With a nod, Lord Lancashire lowered his head, but not in a desire to kiss her.
Instead, his chin nearly on his chest, he moved away from her.
“I am truly sorry for all that I did,” he told her, no longer able to hold her gaze.
“I will find out the truth, Susanna. I must – even if it does not bring any return of what we once shared – I must discover who sent that letter and why. I cannot have such meddling go without a full and true explanation.”
She swallowed hard, all in a confusion. “You will try to find out who sent you that letter?”
He nodded.
“I must know also.”
Lord Lancashire’s eyebrows lifted.
“I cannot stand aside and do nothing,” she said, recalling how Ellen had encouraged her to tell Lord Lancashire all that she knew and all that she felt.
“I have already spoken to my father in search of the truth, as you know. I – I want to know what it is that has kept us back from each other, Lord Lancashire.”
A softness came into his expression as he lifted his gaze to hers again. “Why must you know, Susanna?”
Dare she be truthful?
“You took my hand recently,” she began, as Lord Lancashire nodded quietly.
“You grasped it and held my gaze, and there was such confusion and pain in your eyes, it tore at my heart. I do not know what it was you were trying to say in that moment, but as we stood together, all that we had shared previously came back to me in one great swell.” She swallowed again, trembling lightly as she tried to find the right words to express her heart.
It was a risk for Lord Lancashire might very well tell her that he only wanted to find the truth for his own reasons rather than because he hoped for something more between them.
All the same, this was the only moment she had, and Susanna was not about to push it away.
“I have been broken by your absence,” she continued, her voice dropping near to a whisper, such was her emotion.
“After all I had shared with you, after all you had told me, my heart was desperate for you. The silence was an agony, tearing my heart strip by strip until I gave up all hope.”
Lord Lancashire closed his eyes.
“And yet,” she continued, as he stood in front of her, his eyes still closed tightly, “I cannot remove what I feel for you from my heart.”
With a snatch of breath, Lord Lancashire’s eyes flew wide.
“I despise my own foolishness,” she admitted, her trembling growing all the greater now.
“I wish that it were not so, I wish that I had been able to forget you, to set you aside without hesitation and to tell you that I care nothing for you – but I have been quite unable to do that. It is as though my heart has its own determinations that are quite opposed to my own! Even when it is covered by pain and disappointment, confusion and doubt, there is still love there. It might be pushed to the very bottom of my heart, it might be lesser than before, but still, it lingers.”
A shuddering breath left her lips as she closed her eyes and clasped her hands tightly together to stop them from shaking.
“I want to know the truth for it shall always torment me,” she finished, “but my heart wants something more.” Opening her eyes, she held his gaze. “It wants you.”