Chapter 13
“It wants you.”
Jonathan could not believe what he was hearing from Lady Susanna.
Her profession of love, despite all of his failings and stupidity, was so unexpected that he could barely breathe.
His whole body was tingling, his mouth ajar as he stared at her, seeing how she pressed her lips together and then looked away, doubt flooding her expression.
“How – ?” Shutting his eyes, Jonathan shook his head, trying to think clearly. “I do not understand.”
“Nor do I.” Lady Susanna’s lips curved briefly, only for worry to tug into her expression again, her eyebrows furrowing as her gaze darted towards him and then away again.
“I did not think I would find myself in such a situation, Lord Lancashire, and I can quite understand if our separation means that you have no such feelings any longer.”
“Oh, but I do.”
Light poured into her expression, her eyes rounding but brighter now, the corners of her mouth gently tugging upwards.
“I do not deserve this,” Jonathan continued, glancing about him and hoping that they would not be interrupted by the arrival of another patron to the shop.
Lady Susanna’s lady’s maid was standing a short distance away, but aside from that, they were alone.
“Susanna, what you ought to be throwing at me is the full extent of your fury! I abandoned you without explanation, believing something that has turned out not to be true, and have acted with more foolishness and inconsideration than I ever thought possible of myself.”
She looked away.
“When I took your hand, it was because I found myself in such desperate confusion over what I believed to be true,” he continued, aware of the catch in his voice.
“I overheard gentlemen speaking of your father, of the excellent investments he had made, about how he never presses others to repay their vowels with any sort of urgency. That cannot be a gentleman who is in dire upset over his finances! None of what I overheard made any sense, and thus, I walked from the house with my mind in turmoil. It was only by chance that I saw you. There was so much that I wanted to say to you, but I could not find the words.” Closing his eyes, he shook his head.
“I did not think that you would ever forgive me.”
“I am not certain I have,” she answered, a tiny twinkle in her eye as he opened his eyes to take her in again. “My own feelings are in such confusion that it is not with any certainty that I speak – save for the fact that I know I still care for you.”
Nothing was said between them for a long few minutes.
The bookshop seemed to hold its breath around them, the dust motes suspended in the columns of afternoon light, the distant murmur of other patrons as faint and indistinct as a memory.
Jonathan could not take his eyes from her, thinking to himself that she was the most incredible young lady he had ever become acquainted with.
It was not just that she captured his attention with her beauty; it was also her character that spoke to his heart.
The courage it had taken for her to say what she had just said — to offer her love again to a man who had thrown it away once already — was staggering.
He did not deserve it. He knew that with every fiber of his being.
And yet she stood before him, trembling lightly, her chin raised, offering him the most precious thing she possessed.
To know that she was still in love with him was such a precious gift, but Jonathan feared accepting it.
What if he broke her heart again? What if he could not find a way for them to return to the future they had planned the previous Season?
“I do not want to let you go again,” he murmured, taking another step closer to her.
“I am afraid of what this search for truth might uncover.” His lips twisted.
“What if there is something dark here? I cannot think as to why I would have received such a letter, nor can I make sense of my own solicitors’ reports! ”
“But I will not step away from this, not again.” She licked her lips, then took a step closer to him. “Not unless you decide that you want to keep this distance between us. If you think that best, then I will never approach you again.”
“No!” The word ripped from his mouth and echoed around the room, making Jonathan flush hot.
Dropping his head, he took in a deep breath, then dared a look at Lady Susanna.
Her eyes were a little wider than before, glancing this way and that for fear that someone might have overheard him and would approach, but as the moments passed, so did her concern.
Jonathan took her hand, and instantly, his heart slammed against his ribs.
His breathing grew quicker with every second.
He looked down into the dark pools of her eyes and wished he could kiss her.
“I cannot find the words to express the depths of my regret over my actions,” he said, whispering now.
“I would do anything to take back my mistakes, to alter my steps. I should never have turned away from you in the way I did. I should never have been so cruel and callous.”
Lady Susanna pressed his hand. “I believe you.”
“To be back in London, to see you with other gentlemen and to hear your laughter and watch your smiles directed towards others has broken my heart over and over again,” he said softly.
“I told myself that I would not feel, thought I would prevent my heart from having any sort of affection for you simply by determination alone, but that determination has failed me. I have been trying my best to forget you, and it has been an impossible task.”
She smiled. “Then you still care for me, as I care for you?”
“More than that,” he answered, fervently. “I love you, Susanna. I cannot do anything but love you, it seems.”
Her eyes closed, and for a moment, Jonathan thought tears might soon follow.
But then, they opened, and then came the most beautiful, brilliant smile he had ever seen.
His heart poured open with love for her, a stream of regret and foolishness still pushing through it.
Why had he ever turned away from her? Why had he not pursued the truth, as he intended to now?
“Then will you let me come alongside you in this?” she asked, reaching out her other hand and settling it on their joined ones. “Will you let me work with you to find out who sent that letter and what their purpose behind it was?”
Jonathan nodded. “Yes, but that is not the first thing I wish to do.”
Her eyebrows lifted. “Oh?”
“I want to ask your father if I might court you.”
Her swift catch of breath sent a thrill up his spine as he smiled at her astonishment.
“There is no need to delay, is there?” he asked, as she blinked furiously. “Indeed, I do not think that I can hold back from this any longer, Susanna!”
“But – but if you do such a thing, then would not more rumors begin to surface?” she asked, her smile no longer present. “I am afraid that whoever sent that first letter to you might do something more once they realize that you have abandoned their warnings.”
Frowning, Jonathan rubbed one hand over his chin. “That is a consideration, certainly, but Susanna, I do not want to step back from this – from you.”
“Then do not.” The smile returned as she moved another step closer to him, her breath brushing warmth across his cheek. “We have stolen many moments before, have we not? Could we not do so again, just until we uncover everything?”
Desire burned hot in his chest, and he swallowed thickly, unable to respond for a few moments.
Lady Susanna’s cheeks turned pink, and she darted her gaze away, though her smile lingered.
Yes, he supposed, he could continue as they had before, but it was not what he wanted.
When he had this second chance with her, when there was the opportunity for them to grasp the happiness they had already missed on one occasion already, dare he delay?
His eyes closed, and he let out a heavy sigh.
“I can see the wisdom in your thinking, Susanna.” Looking at her again, he let out a second sigh, his heart twisting.
“But I do not much like it. After all the distance and trouble I have placed between us, I want nothing more now than to be able to reconcile, to show the world that I have made my choice – and to tell them all of your generous and forgiving spirit.”
There was such a gentle sweetness in her expression, Jonathan almost caught her up in his arms right there and then, wanting to pull her tight against him so that he could feel her nearness, could reassure himself that all she had said was true – and that this was not some dream he was having.
The scent of old paper and leather surrounded them, and the golden light from the shop windows painted her features with a warmth that made his chest ache.
Instead, he could only bring her hand to his lips and, brushing a kiss on the back of her hand, felt her tremble lightly.
Her fingers curled around his for a brief, fierce moment, and in that small pressure, he felt everything she could not say aloud — the months of silence, the longing, the forgiveness that was still fragile and new.
“We found moments before, did we not?” she whispered, blushing as he smiled knowingly at her. “I am sure we will be able to do so again.”
“But only for a time,” he stated firmly. “This time, I will not step away from you. I will not be without you for long. I cannot bear it, Susanna.”
“Nor I,” she responded, just as the door to the shop opened and a loud voice filled the room – a voice that snapped demands this way and that. Jonathan stepped back quickly, his hand falling back to his side and his heart crying a warning.
“It sounds as if Lady Walton has arrived,” Lady Susanna whispered, her eyes twinkling. “If she were to spy us, then gossip would be all around London before we even left this bookshop!”
“Then I shall reluctantly take my leave,” Jonathan replied, putting one hand to his heart as a gesture of just how much he cared for the lady and did not want to step away. “I will speak with you again very soon, so we might, together, find a way forward.”
She nodded, smiled, and then turned away, her lady’s maid scurrying after her.
Jonathan, struggling to will himself to walk away, watched her for as long as he could before walking in the opposite direction towards the door of the bookshop.
His expression was neutral, nodding at one or two of the other patrons as he passed, whilst, inwardly, his heart was leaping about in a furious manner that filled his whole being with a newfound sense of joy.
It was a feeling that poured into him like water, spreading over his skin, over his soul, and warming him through.
Susanna did not forget me.
The relief of that was a strength to his frame, giving him purpose as he strode back towards his carriage.
Even though I severely injured her, she still loved me.
That gave him pause, his heart still overwhelmed with happiness, but the realization of just how much agony she had forgiven him for striking at it all the same.
Yes, she had still confessed her love for him, but that did not mean that the trouble he had caused her had not been severe.
He had rejected her, had turned his back on her, had ignored her, and pretended she was of no importance to him – just as her mother and father did.
The realization of that made him wince, and he stopped walking immediately, dropping his head to pull off his hat and then rubbing one hand over his forehead.
“Lord Lancashire? Are you quite all right?”
Forcing a smile, Jonathan nodded quickly and placed his hat back on his head.
“Lady Theresa, Lady Evelina. Good afternoon. Yes, in answer to your question, Lady Theresa, I am quite all right. The sun is just a little hot this afternoon, is it not?” Hoping this explanation would satisfy them both, he kept his smile fixed just as the two ladies glanced at each other and then smiled back at him.
“It is, yes. You might join us at Gunters for an ice?” Lady Evelina, who was not often very encouraging in her welcome, tilted her head and let her green eyes search his. “That way, I am certain you will feel a good deal better.”
“You are very kind, but –”
“Oh, please do join us!” Lady Theresa put one hand on his arm in what Jonathan considered to be very bold indeed, his eyebrows lifting.
“Otherwise, I shall have only Evelina’s conversation, and I think we have talked about nearly everything in the world already!
” She giggled at this, and whilst Jonathan could not help but smile, his determination to stay away from both young ladies remained steady.
“You are very kind, but I think I shall return home and rest,” he said, as Lady Theresa’s smile fell away, with Lady Evelina continuing to watch him carefully. “I will be in attendance at Almacks this evening, however.”
This brought the smile back to Lady Theresa’s face. “Oh, how wonderful! We are to attend as well. We have our cousin with us as well, for her father is unable to be present this evening.”
Jonathan smiled politely. “Am I acquainted with your cousin?”
“Yes, I think you are,” Lady Evelina told him, her voice holding a coolness which, Jonathan suspected, came about because he refused to join them in Gunters. “You danced with her recently. Lady Honora?”
Surprise had his eyebrows lifting, but he nodded. “Yes, I am acquainted with Lady Honora. I will look forward to seeing you all this evening.”
“And dancing with us, I hope,” Lady Theresa exclaimed, only for her sister to grasp her hand and frown hard, telling her silently that the manner in which she spoke was much too forward.
She flushed red and bobbed a quick curtsy before turning away, leaving Jonathan free to walk back to his carriage.
There is only one person I wish to dance with this evening, he thought to himself, his smile slowly returning as his thoughts went back to Lady Susanna. And I must hope that she will accept me so I might hold her in my arms once more.