10. Trace
TRACE
F uck. My. Life.
She wouldn’t have done this to Ward.
When Ward had offered to take over for me, I’d thought I would be able to leave here and be someone different—the person I’ve always wanted to be. My plans were to travel the world, learning about alternative energy methods. Learning how to harness the power of the sun and wind has been a dream for as long as I can remember. During storms, I’m the one outside, looking to see how high the wind will get, or gazing at the crazy lightning shows as they come over the mountains.
We were perfect, the two of us. Him a steward of the land, and me, the person looking to save money where we could by using what we had—even if it meant leaving home to do it.
“Mom, I think you should watch your mouth. She didn’t ask to be here, and neither did I. We’ll see you downstairs when we leave for the ball. If you’d send lunch up, we’d appreciate it.”
She knows when she’s been dismissed, and typically she won’t push back when she realizes she’s pissed me off. The door closes behind her—not softly—but it does close.
My shoulders sag, and although all I want is a stout scotch, I glance over at the woman who wears my ring. “Are you okay?”
Her face is red with irritation. “Is she always like that?”
“Unfortunately. I’ve come to expect it, and prepare for it, but you obviously haven’t. She shouldn’t have treated you with such disrespect. I’m sorry,” I sigh, running my fingers through my hair.
“It’s not your fault, but I guess I was naive. I thought maybe she’d treat me the same as you.”
“Oh babe, trust me, you don’t want her to treat you the way she treats me. What you want is for her to treat you like she treated Ward. He was her favorite.”
Her gaze turns soft. “I guess I should remind myself, she’s a mother who’s lost a child. She needs grace, not judgment.”
I’m of an entirely different mindset than she is. I’m not willing to give the woman who birthed me grace. In fact, I’m not willing to give her much. I don’t have it in me. My brother got all my love, and now that he’s gone? I’m not sure I have any to give someone else.
“That’s nice of you to say, but she doesn’t, really. My mother will never think that way about you.”
“I didn’t say she had to, and I’ve never thought that being nice should be quid pro quo. It’s the type of person I am, and how I was raised. She might be rude to me, but I refuse to be the same to her.”
I don’t want to respect this woman. She represents everything I hate right now in my life. Instead of travel and education, I’m here. Right now I feel as if I'll never be able to leave.
“That’s nice of you, but don’t let her see it. She’ll use it against you. The same way she did to us our whole lives.”
Katie
Although his words are full of menace, there’s a sadness that can’t be hidden. It’s the same sadness I’ve seen in his eyes since the night I met him. I’d love to be able to ask him what the feelings are, but we aren’t close enough yet, and I know he doesn’t trust me. Truth is, I don’t trust him either.
“Do you want some lunch?” he asks as he turns his back on me.
“No,” I ache to reach out and give him a small gesture of comfort. “I’m okay, I need to start getting ready. We only have a few hours before we have to leave, right?”
“Yeah,” he confirms. “I need to go take a look at the grounds and stock, get myself reacquainted with the land. I’d let Ward take over almost everything for the past several months. It’s going to be a while before I get caught up again. There’s no time like the present for me to start. If I don’t, there’ll be talk about me as a boss, and right now that isn’t what either of us need.”
I nod, confirming I understand, but I don’t. I’m in this house—which isn’t my family’s—married to a man I’m beginning to think I’ll never know.
“You do what you have to do, and I’ll be ready when it’s time. Any advice on what to wear?”
“Not black. This family may be in mourning, but the donors are going to wanna see we’re solvent and doing okay.” He sits down to change his nice boots into a pair that are scarred from use and dusty.
There’s something that’s been bothering me. “Can I ask you a question?”
He stands up, pulling the tails of his shirt out of his jeans and yanking it over his head. I try not to notice the washboard stomach and the tan line, but they’re just as attractive as they were the first time I saw them. Only now I can see them better.
“You can ask, doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”
This is beyond frustrating. “Is this how it’s going to be between us all the time?”
“Until I know I can not only trust you, but myself too, and that’s the most honest I can be with you.”
“I appreciate that.” I tilt my head to the side. “So I know what’s expected for me tonight. What exactly happens at The Cattleman’s Ball?”
He jerks back. “Have you never been?”
I shake my head. “It wasn’t something I was ever invited to. They said I would learn when I was married. Well, now I don’t want to go in and embarrass you, or myself for that matter. Can you at least give me an idea of what I need to do tonight?”
He sniffs, putting his hands on his hips, before rubbing at his chin. “You need to look good on my arm, laugh at the jokes they tell, gaze up at me like you love me, and be who you are. That woman you were at the bar that night. You had everyone staring at you, every girl wanted to have a beer with you, every man wanted to be with you. I don’t think you realized it, but most of the people there were in the palm of your hand. That’s what I need you to do, who I need you to be.”
“But why? What are we asking people to do? If I’m going to help you, I want you to expect me to be your partner. No matter if we like each other or not, we’re in this together. The only people who can understand me is you, and the only one who can understand you is me. Regardless of what we think about each other, we need the support we can offer one another. So just be honest with me, and I’ll be honest with you.”
“Is it really that simple?” he questions, hooking his thumbs through the belt loops of his jeans. “Nothing in my life has ever been that simple. There’s always been a condition placed on everything. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t believe you.”
Reaching forward, I grab the tips of his fingers. It’s all he’ll allow me to do, so I’ll take it. “Let me show you, you can. I’ll never be able to prove myself to you if you don’t give me the chance.”
“Chances are earned, Katie, but I will do one thing. I’ll tell you what happens. I don’t want you to be embarrassed, regardless of what you think of me.”
“Thank you.” I grab hold of his finger, bringing the back of his palm to my lips, dropping a kiss on the somewhat uneven surface of his skin.
“There are a lot of reasons to hold a Cattlemen’s Ball, and I think they’re different in every community. In ours, it’s to get donations and sponsorships. We’re the biggest operation around, and most want to be associated with us. The rest of them want us to take the biggest financial risk when it comes to new and innovative ways to continue to make cattle profitable. The thing most don’t know is we need the money more than we let on. A few years ago, Dad took a bad deal, and we almost lost the entire operation—including the house,” he rubs a hand over his head, inhaling deeply. “It’s imperative we don’t put all of our own money up for these experimental breeding programs and the like. If we do, we could easily be bankrupt, and since we put land up for everything, it’ll be gone.”
“Which is why you needed me,” I whisper. “My family doesn’t have a ton of money, but they have a ton of land.”
“You got it, Katie.”
Hearing him admit it hurts more than I imagined it would. I mean, I wasn’t stupid going into this, and I like to think I’m a smart woman, but the sting is there. Instead of admitting how much, I give him a half-smile. “I promise, I’ll make you proud to have me on your arm.”
He nods. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”
It isn’t what I want to hear from him. With everything I have, I’d rather hear him say he’s going to be proud to have me on his arm. It’s okay, though—I’ll be the strong person I’ve always been. When so much emphasis has been placed on my looks and what I can bring to the table, I’ve had to find confidence in other facets of who I am. My worth is no longer tied into my looks or what I can offer others, it’s tied into how I feel when I put my best foot forward.
And tonight?
It’s going to be the best foot I’ve ever had.