17. Trace
TRACE
M y heart is pounding as I hold her in my arms. I can’t feel my legs, and I’m pretty sure I just lost my soul out the end of my dick. In the back of my mind, I wonder if she’s bewitched me in some way. I’ve never felt so close to another person as I do right now; not even with Ward. The way her eyes looked into mine as we came together—it was as if the earth moved, and the sky opened up. Like whatever dark cloud has been hanging over us has dissipated. It’s rolled on, and the sun is shining. A rainbow after the darkness of a tornado warning.
She makes a noise in the back of her throat as she hooks her leg over my hip. “I thought the first time in your truck was an anomaly. Looks like I was wrong, because that? That was amazing,” she whispers.
I fight with whether to admit anything to her or not. In my past, others have used my feelings against me, or to make me do things I haven’t wanted to do. I’m not even sure what these fucking feelings are, but I know it’s something I’m not accustomed to. Like anything else, I have to question this—nothing has ever come easy—and in my way of thinking, this shouldn’t be any different.
“It was, but is it enough to build this on? Can we make a life together? Is it worth risking the rest of our lives being in a loveless marriage, wondering if we’re playing each other?” I ask, entwining our fingers together, our wedding rings sparkling in the muted light of the room.
“We can do this,” she insists, propping her head up on the palm of her hand. “If we promise to be each other’s calm in the middle of this storm, we can learn to count on one another. I can tell the way you speak that people you care about have used your experiences and your feelings against you, but I’ve not done that. I wasn’t raised that way, and it’s not who I am. My parents may have brokered this deal, and I went through with it, but it doesn’t mean I’m not willing to give it a chance.”
“But do we want to do this?” My voice is clear, not offering any room for her to wonder what I’m asking.
She sighs before flopping back on the bed. “I don’t think we have a choice, honestly. Both of our families need this to work, for their ranches. The only other thing we could do, rather than staying here and letting your parents control the rest of our lives, is run away.”
I tuck the blanket in around her shoulders, feeling protective, even if it makes no sense. Maybe it’s because she’s the only other person who knows how this feels; maybe it’s because I’m sick of being alone, and I desperately need a friend. Someone who cares about me not for what I can do for them, but because they like me. In the back of my head, I realize I should probably be nicer to her if I want her to like me for who I am.
Running my hand down her arm, I remind her, “If we did that, they’d find us.”
She blows out a breath, tilting her head up so I can see her eyes. They’re bright with an innocence I’ve never had. Early on, I learned there was always a consequence to an action. Be happy and someone was pissed; be angry or sad, and someone else would be pissed. It taught me to keep my emotions on an even keel. What it didn’t prepare me for was to deal with someone like this woman who is now my wife.
Her words are wistful, belonging to someone who hasn’t been as broken down as I have. “But then we could be just Katie, and just Trace. With no preconceptions, no expectations, and nothing hanging over our heads, like the breeding program.”
Chuckling sarcastically, I think of the big plan I had a few days ago—the dreams I had of leaving and making a change. Not having to live on a ranch and by the code. I was going to find who I really am, and who makes me happy. Weird how things are pulled out from under you before they can begin. It should’ve been a lesson I learned earlier, but I guess we can all have optimism at some point or another.
“I tried that, remember? My brother died, and here I am.”
“I’m really sorry about Ward. I obviously didn’t know him,” she says, running her nails up and down my chest, toying with the hair I have. “But you cared for him a great deal, and I’m sorry you had to deal with that hurt. Not only did you have to cope with that pain, but then you’re told to marry me so that you can put your family first. If I were you, I’d hate me too.”
“I don’t hate you,” I argue. “I don’t know you to hate you, and that’s the problem. My parents didn’t know each other when they got married. Arranged marriages have been going on in our family for generations. I had this grand idea I’d be the one to break the so-called curse. My parents don’t love each other,” a hoarse sound comes out of my voice. “They’ve always used me and Ward in their arguments. If we showed too much attention to one of them, the other would be pissed, and we’d be punished. Both of us had a hope we’d be different.”
“You can be,” Katie licks her lips, sitting up so that her back is to the headboard.
My eyes immediately go to her breasts, which are on display before she yanks the sheet up to cover them. “What do you mean? I’m not following.”
“We can date each other.”
“We’re already married.”
She laughs. “But people who are already married don’t ever stop dating each other. At least that’s what I read in romance novels.”
I roll my eyes. “We’re two people who have no experience with any of this shit, and we’re trying to give each other advice.”
“Nobody is perfect, they figure things out as they go,” Katie says, grabbing hold of my hand. “There’s not a lot I do know, Trace, but one thing I do? When I hold your hand, it gives me a feeling in my stomach I’ve never had before. When you kiss me, I forget what the fuck it is I’m supposed to be doing. I think that’s a good start, don’t you?”
We’re not starting at zero. I guess that’s something. The way I affect her is the same way she affects me. I’ve never had it with anyone else, and I’m not stupid. Some people wait their entire life to be attracted to a person the way we’re attracted to each other.
“It’s a start,” I give her. “But we have to be willing to be completely honest with each other. They will try to get in the middle and tear us apart. I know how my parents are. They see us happy? They’re going to try and rip it apart.”
“You’ve warned me of that, and I understand. I’ll be as honest with you as you are with me. All of this goes two ways, Trace.”
Swallowing roughly, I nod, rolling my lips together. “Okay, we’ll be honest with each other, we’ll date each other, and we’ll figure out how the fuck we’re supposed to handle all of this.”
“Kiss on it?” She grins.
It’s just playful enough that it catches me off guard, and I lean in without thinking. The kiss is sweet, and what I need after the sex and discussion. I expect her to go over to her side of the bed, but she doesn’t—she snuggles in next to me.
My eyes close, and for the first time in years, I go to sleep without thoughts running through my head.