19. Trace
TRACE
T he way her body rocks against me is a direct reminder of what we spent hours doing last night. Mentally, I tell my cock to stand down. There's no reason to make both of us uncomfortable. Clicking my tongue, I gently pull on the reins and make a turn.
“All of this is yours, huh?” she sighs in appreciation.
We’re riding into a meadow of flatland. Even with grass and weeds high, it’s beautiful. I wish I could see it through the eyes of my little brother, and immediately know what could be planted here, or what type of cattle could graze here. Unfortunately, that was his job, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life playing catch up to what he knew instinctively.
“You know you’re not supposed to ask a man about his land, right?” I tease.
She giggles. “It’s akin to asking about how big your package is.”
“Exactly,” I laugh along with her.
“Where are we headed?” she asks, relaxing fully against my chest.
“Northern border. It’s a ride. I should’ve taken an ATV, but today I wanted the peace and quiet of me on the back of a horse.”
“Why?”
I debate on whether to tell her the truth, to trust her in ways I’ve never trusted anyone other than Ward. My mind goes back to last night, when we made promises about keeping each other in the loop, and being the person we can each count on. I’ll never know if I can truly trust her until I give it a shot.
“Because it’s overwhelming at times.”
“The ranch?”
“All of it,” I continue. “I’ve always been the type of person, even when I was a kid, who needed a plan. I wasn’t ever prepared until I had an idea of what I wanted to do and knew that plan from front to back. I’ve never been good at improvising, but Ward was. We complemented each other in that way. He was quick to think, got an answer within a few seconds, and sprang to action while others were still standing around trying to take in whatever situation it was. Didn’t necessarily mean what he wanted to do would work, which is where I came in. While he had a quick fix, I typically had the long one. Right now, I could really use his on-the-cuff thinking,” I admit, turning us into another pasture.
“For what? I like to think I’m a quick thinker. Obviously, I don’t have the experience that Ward did, but I’d love to help if I can.”
Do I trust her? Tell her what’s been going down behind the scenes? What I was told about three days ago? Without a doubt, my dad is keeping it from my mom—they do that with almost everything. This is one of the times when I need to decide what my marriage is going to look like. Will I follow in my parents' footsteps or will I make my own way? Will I choose for my wife to be my equal?
“Before I go into this, you have to understand, my parents keep everything from each other. Their favorite thing when Ward and I were growing up was to tell one of us a secret, and then see if we could hide it from our other parent. I don’t trust easily because of this, and the only person I trust now that Ward is gone is Kyle.”
She puts her hand over mine, where it rests on the saddle horn. “Regardless of how we came to be, I’ll prove to you, you can trust me. I know it’s not going to be easy for you. Trust me, I saw what your mom was like this morning, and if you had to grow up with that, I’m sorry.”
Red clouds my vision. “Was she mean to you?”
“I’m sure no more to me than she ever was to you, but that’s not the point right now. The point is, I understand slightly where you’re coming from and I get why you don’t trust easily. I’ll prove to you that you can trust me, but you’ve got to give me a chance first,” she leans back, popping a kiss on my jawline.
It’s just enough to quell the burning in my stomach. Everything I found out comes hurtling forward, like word vomit, without a filter.
“Because Ward liked to think on his feet, and could imagine what the end result of things would be, he’s gotten the ranch into some money trouble. I was led to believe the new breeding program would build on factors we’d already put into place. That wasn’t the case. Ward hadn’t laid any foundation, and we made promises to other operations that we won’t be able to back up if we can’t get the funding. Which is why us being out on the town was so important last night. We’ll have to do it a few more times over the next three weeks.”
“Wow,” she breathes so heavily I can feel it against my chest. “What does that mean for us?”
The way she says us hits me in the middle of my chest, like she’s a partner; one I’ve never had.
“A lot of fuckin’ work. Once we secure the funding and start the breeding program, there’s going to be more calves than we’ve ever had. If we can’t afford to hire help, it’s going to mean round-the-clock supervision. Hell, I might even need you out there pulling calves with me.” I'm only half-joking.
“I don’t know how to do that, but I’d learn.”
She leans against me, a show of trust I don’t expect from her. Wrapping my arms tighter around her waist, I nudge the horse forward.
“I have a feeling you would. No matter what it took, you’d learn.”
“After that talk we had last night? I’ll do whatever you need me to. I know we have to trust one another, and the best way to do that is to prove it. I’m willing to prove it.” She lifts her hand up to shield her eye as we crest a hill, and head further down into the valley. “This is absolutely gorgeous. We have land that’s breathtaking at my parents' ranch, but this? It’s something else.”
“Most people would wonder why I’d wanna leave,” I admit. “No matter how beautiful it is, it can be suffocating, but I’m hoping I can learn to appreciate it more now than I ever have. I’m fighting for it, it’d be a damn shame if I didn’t love it.”