30. Katie
KATIE
A fter eating, we head out onto the main strip and walk together. Trace holds my hand and for a brief moment I can imagine we've been doing this our whole lives and we were teenage sweethearts. We know everything there is to know about one another, and there aren't any secrets between us.
I know that's not the truth, though and sometimes it gets to me. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself we didn't come together organically, although we slept together before we knew who the other was. I remind myself this was arranged, and although I'd love to trust him with everything about myself, I'm still holding back at a little.
"Can we go in here?" I ask, stopping at Enchanted Pages.
"If you want to," Trace steps in front of me, opening the door and motioning for me to go inside.
Loving to read romance is something I've kept to myself since we got married. I don't think he's seen me with a book in my hand, but since we're here, I'm going to make sure I get a couple.
"Hi," I wave to Marissa. "Have you got anything new?"
"Yes, girl! Go look at the back two walls. Charlene's back there, so if you want something special you're gonna have to fight her for it. Not sure how well that'll go over on Sunday."
She and I both laugh. Immediately I take off in the direction she pointed, ready to see something that brings me comfort. Turning the corner, I feel like I've come home. Seeing the beautiful covers with florals all over them, and then the others with the shirtless men.
"Is this what you like?" Trace asks, taking a book off the shelf and turning it toward me. It's got a shirtless man on the cover with tattoos along his arms.
"Yes, actually it is. I love that author," I grab it out of his hand. "But I haven't read this one yet." Immediately I turn it around so I can read the back of it. It promises a tale of small-town love with a man who's out of reach for the heroine. Since this is the life I'm living right now, I hold it to my chest while I look for a couple more.
"I didn't know this about you," he has a seat on one of the benches and watches as I peruse.
"There's a lot you don't know about me," I remind him. "We haven't exactly tried our best to get to know each other yet. We're at this stage where we have to find out things in a hurry. Like we're always putting fires out, Trace. We can't truly get to know each other until life seems to calm down for us. These are the types of things others learn during the dating period. We never had that, so now we're on this Cliff's Notes version of trying to understand who the other person is. I don't blame you or myself for that, it just is what it is. Every day we're going to find out something new about the other person, and it's all going to be small. It won't all be exciting and breaking news worthy. These are the types of things that are going to make or break us as a couple."
"So if I want to impress you, I should buy you romance books?" He quirks a brow.
"It wouldn't hurt," I shrug. "I can give you a list of my favorite authors and you can surprise me. If it's steamy enough, you might get lucky too," I whisper.
He licks his lips. "I'll remember that."
"You should. The way to my heart is through my love languages and romance novels is one of them. I typically read on my phone, but every once in a while I love to feel a paperback between my fingers. The smell of the paper, the way the words are printed against it. I love it. It reminds me that there are so many beautiful things we can create. These love stories come from the minds of such talented and creative people; I wish I had those types of creative genes, but then I realize how much I want to read them. If I were creating it, I probably wouldn't enjoy reading it. Instead, I'd rather live my love story, and right now I'm living it with you."
For a brief moment, I worry if I've gotten in too deep. If I've shown more of myself than I should've. If I've given him the key to the secret part in my chest where I keep my most treasured memories hidden. His eyes meet mine, and I get lost looking into his darkness.
"Thank you for sharing this with me, I promise, I won't use it against you."
"How did you know?" I pull my bottom lip in between my teeth. "That I was worried I'd shown you too much."
"Because it's written all across your face, and I'd feel the same way if I'd just told you something like this about myself. Thank you for trusting me with it."
"Thank you for not using it against me," I lean down, kissing him softly on the lips. "Let me get a couple more and a coffee, and then we can head back to the ranch."
* * *
The sun is starting to set as we make our way back to the ranch. The dark sky is bright over the road, no lights making it hard to see the stars - in fact they light our way. Music plays softly over the radio and the cab of the truck is quiet as we travel the miles back to where we started.
I have a book in my hand, running my palm over the matte finish, trying to convince myself to wait until we get back to crack it open and immerse myself into the make believe worlds I love. Where everything ends happily ever after and you don't have to worry if someone is plotting against you.
Glancing over at Trace, I acknowledge for the first time he's going to break my heart. Today he showed me the type of relationship we could have, and now that I know, I won't settle for anything less. Which means I won't be satisfied with the little amount of himself he tends to give me to keep me at arms length. Instead I want it all, and now I know I won't rest until I have it.
The problem? He might not be willing to give me what I want; what I need.
And as I feel myself getting lost in thought about how my life is going to end up, I realize this is my own love story. It's going to end up however I let it, and it's mine to write.
I'll be damned if I let anyone else ruin it before it gets a chance to blossom. This is the one thing I'll not let myself get drug around on. I deserve a love like I read about, and I'm going to get it. Doesn't matter if I have to do it kicking and screaming. I may have been promised to a man who wasn't supposed to love me, but I'll make him.
When we park in the front yard, I look up at the house, seeing a few lights on. The two bedrooms his parents sleep in have their lights on, letting me know that's where they are. Separate, but under the same roof.
That won't be us. Will never be us.
This is a promise I make myself and fuck the person who thinks they'll break us.
We'll persevere. We have no choice not to.