31. Trace
TRACE
T he next morning I wake up with her in my arms. I can confidently say I've never slept with my arms around a woman before, and I've one hundred percent never woken up a woman in them. It's not a luxury I've ever allowed myself to have. It felt as if I'd be giving some woman too much power over me, I'd be giving someone the option to hurt me more than I'd ever allowed anyone else to hurt me.
My entire life, I've seen how my parents throw around the fact they hold things over each other. One of them shows another more affection than the other? Let's throw that back in their face. Did me or Ward do something nice for one of them? That was thrown in our face by the other one. I've never been able to do something nice for someone without it being a source of tension. So having this for myself? It's not anything I'm used to.
Slowly, I run my fingers up and down her back, soothing not only her, but myself. She sleeps deeply, and the fact she's able to do that in my arms is one of the gifts I didn't know I needed. This moment at the beginning of my day, in the dark, before the sun rises heals my heart in a way I didn't know it needed to be healed. She stirs, inhaling deeply before looking up at me with sleepy eyes.
"Are you staring at me?"
"Does that bother you?" I grin down at her. "You look kinda cute with sleep in your eyes and stretching those legs."
"I'm trying to figure out why you think I'm interesting enough to look at when I haven't even brushed my hair."
I chuckle. "No matter what, you've always been one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen." I can't believe I admitted that to her. I've never been the type of person to admit my feelings to anyone except Ward. Have always been scared to do so, but maybe I'm turning a corner and becoming someone not only he would be proud of, but I can be proud of too.
"If it were lighter in here you'd be able to see me blush," she ducks her head.
"I don't think I've ever made anyone else blush," I reach down, lifting her chin with my forefinger. Tilting my forehead against hers, I lean in, kissing her lips softly.
"What's going on here?" She whispers, swallowing roughly.
"What do you mean?"
Although I know what she means. For some reason, after yesterday, I feel closer to her than I've ever felt to a human being. I'm thrilled she wears my ring on her finger, and has my last name. Grateful more than ever I'm not in this by myself, and have her here with me.
"The first couple of weeks I was with you, it was if you couldn't stand to look at me, hated to hear me speak, and wouldn't have thrown water on me if I were on fire. This morning? You're looking and talking like you care."
"I do," I whisper back at her. "Sometime over us trying to figure out how we're going to handle this, I've come to care for you. I see that you're not going to leave me here by myself. That you're in this with me. I've never felt like I had a partner previously. It's always been me against the world. Although I had Ward with me, I knew that I had to fend for myself. If I wanted to make something happen, I would have to do it for me. Any girl I dated, it wasn't serious."
"Of course," she laughs. "You and I hooked up in a freaking bar."
"Actually we hooked up in my truck." I correct her. "But I get what you're saying."
"So you weren't serious until you had to be?" She questions, seeming to try and understand what all of this means.
"I never wanted to be this serious," I admit. "My plan was to be long gone from here five hours after I left that goddamn bar parking lot. The universe, God, whatever, had other plans. Do I love what's happening right now? No. I don't like the fact we've been forced into a situation we didn't choose. What I do love? That you're the one in this with me. It could've been a lot worse, and I'm glad you're here."
"Are you, really? Your parents hate me."
Pushing my hand up behind her neck, I force her to look at me. In the dim light, I have to focus. My dark eyes look deeply into hers and I soften my tone. "My parents hate everyone, including themselves. They're opinion means nothing, Katie. Not to me, and it damn sure shouldn't matter to you. They'd rather fuck you over than help you do better. Which tells you all you need to know. We're not doing this for my parents'approval. We're doing this as a means to an end. Once we prove we can make more money than they can, we'll be able to get rid of them."
"What are you talking about? No one's ever told me this before."
"No one ever wanted either of us to know it," I share. This is a piece of information I found out not meaning to. When I was looking for a purchase order our business manager asked me for, I came across a folder laying in the bottom of the filing cabinet. What I learned I've kept to myself, and she's the first person I'm going to tell. "Because the money for the ranch is tied up in the land, there's a board, Katie."
"A board? Like someone who votes?" She sits up straighter, before turning so that she puts her legs under her, crossing them.
I sit up next to her. "Yeah, like people who vote. So if they can't fund the ranch, the board can pick others who can. What we're about to prove, Katie girl? We can fund this ranch. We're the ones who got out there and secured the funding, I'm the one working the land to make sure it's safe for when we calve, and you'll be standing there right by my side."
"Excuse you," she holds up her hands, showing a couple of band aids. "I've been helping you with working the land. Maybe not as hard, but I've put my own time and effort in, right?"
"You have, and I'll never take that away from you. No one's going to take it away from you. We're gonna make this work."
"But what's gonna happen to us when this is all said and done?" She asks, her voice small and scared.
"We have decisions to make. Like if we choose to stay together. If we'd prefer to be with other people. I'm not trying to say we won't be together or that I'm not happy with you. I'm saying it would be nice for us to be able to make our own choices. If this works out the way I want it to, we'll be able to do that without anyone being able to stand in our way. What we want is freedom. Doesn't have to be physical, but I need to not to have to depend on them ever again in my life. If you and I decide to remain together, then great, but I refuse to keep you in this if you don't want to be."
She doesn't say anything and I don't expect her to, but I hold her nonetheless. Not because I think she expects it, but because it soothes me in a way nothing else ever has.