38. Katie
KATIE
A s I get into the SUV, I'm struck by how exhausted I am, and how much this day has been a whirlwind. I started it, not knowing what I was going to do, or even what I was going to have for lunch. Going to Marissa has changed all of that.
I even managed to ring up a few very small orders, and scored a bag of pre-cooked food Cain brought over when he heard what happened. The mac and cheese inside of the Styrofoam container is making my mouth water.
Pride like I've never felt before runs through my veins, and causes me to smile widely as I back out of the parking spot, and head toward Kyle's house. I still haven't heard from Trace, and honestly I don't expect to. I'm not ready to apologize yet, and I don't think he is either. We have to learn to accept each other as we are, but before we make it there, we're going to have to forgive each other. That includes me running out when the going got tougher than I liked.
The only thing I can do is build on myself and my ability to handle things like this better in the future. Turning the radio up, I enjoy the rest of the drive.
* * *
I've been in the house for about an hour when Kyle walks in. I'm not sure how to react, after all I've only known him for a little while, and that was through Trace.
"Hey," he grins, as he bends first one leg and then the other to take off his shoes.
"Hey," I answer back. "I have dinner, if you're interested."
He sniffs twice. "Is that a plate lunch from The Gap?"
"It sure is."
"How did you know about that place and the lunches?" His brow furls in question.
"I didn't," I admit. "Cain sent me home with this food. So you're in luck, since you let me stay here with you."
His stomach growls loudly, causing us to both laugh. "That's my favorite lunch, if you think I'm not taking you up on this offer, you're wrong."
I go about fixing him a plate. One of the only things I can do for him since he's letting me stay with him. It's nice to take care of someone without wondering about ulterior motives. At the Miller's, I'm constantly aware of people watching me. Trying to see what I might be doing. It's extremely hard to be myself when I know I'm being judged. While I miss Trace, it's nice to not have to be on guard all the time. And by being on guard, it's not only hiding who I am from everyone in that house, but it's also hiding my true feelings about the man I've married.
Something I've learned in the short time since I left? He's got a hold on me that I'm never going to shake. Somehow he's gotten under my skin, and I know I won't be able to get him out, even if it means reaching in and digging him out with my bare hands.
"He misses you, ya know?" Kyle says softly.
I haven't even noticed he's had a seat at the bar and is stuffing his face with the food I brought home. "Does he?" I ask, not able to help myself.
"He doesn't say it in so many words, but I've known him long enough to take cues. Surprisingly he keeps his emotions and feelings pretty close to the vest. Today though, he went off on his own, and I didn't hear from him very often. When he's deep into his feelings, he checks out on everything else," he speaks around the food in his mouth.
"What does it mean though? He won't be honest with me."
"I think you realize how fucked up his parents have made him. Half the time he won't even be honest with himself."
"How do I get him to let me in?" I slowly fix my own plate, ready to take notes.
"You're there when he needs you. You keep coming back, even when he tries to push you away."
My stomach sinks. I ran. I didn't stay. "Then I guess I already failed that test." I have a seat and push the food around on my plate. I'm not hungry, but I know I need to eat.
"Hey," he reaches out, grabbing my hand with his. "You didn't fail. You had a human reaction to a problem. If you think you're the first person who's ever run out after a fight with a significant other, you're wrong. If you think Trace hasn't done that, you're wrong. We make mistakes, we say we're sorry, and we fix the big problems."
His words give me hope that I haven't screwed this up to the point where I'm unable to make it work anymore. I want to discuss it with, Kyle. He has some good insight to what I should do, and how I should handle things. I find myself wanting to explain my side of things, try to make sense of why I've done what I have. To have someone tell me I'm not wrong. "You have to understand, the way I was raised I was supposed to not question what my husband told me to do. I was told because our marriage was arranged, I was to say yes blindly. As you can see, that's not me. It's never been me. I tried though," I shrug. "Because I know that's what my family needed. But in the last few weeks with Trace, I felt like we were on the same team. He lulled me into a false sense of security."
"It wasn't false," Kyle interrupts. "Nothing with Trace is, unless it has to do with his parents. Everyone else he deals with in his life, he's extremely loyal too, almost to a fault. Like with Ward, they were brothers and best friends, but if it came down to him and Ward? Ward would throw him under the bus. He thought Ward was taking his place because Ward loved Trace so much. Trace is blind to who Ward was for the most part. While they were close and they would undoubtedly do things for each other, Ward didn't offer to take his place out of the goodness of his heart. He knew that being the person who made the decisions for The Miller Ranch would make him powerful. He wanted that power, where Trace doesn't and never has," he takes a drink of his beer, and exhales a breath. "I'm not saying Ward was a bad brother, because he wasn't, but Trace has a habit of romanticizing who Ward was. I think it's his way of coping. He's going to see that you're his partner, and he's going to do the same for you. He just needs to get over what happened with the two of you. It won't take long."
I raise my eyebrow as I take another bite of my food. "Are you sure?"
"If there's one thing I know about Trace Miller, it's that when he gives himself to someone, it's all in. He's mad now, but that'll dissipate and he'll be coming to you if you don't go to him first."
I sigh heavily. Hopefully Kyle's right, or I have no clue what I'm going to do.