37. Trace
TRACE
A n hour later, I'm still fuming when I find a hole in the fence. There's an animal caught in it, but I'm unsure of what it is. I encourage my horse into a gallup and hope I'm getting there in time. When I get close enough, I see it's a baby fox, and it's entangled.
"I'm not gonna hurt you," I speak quietly as I approach the animal.
There's always a fear in trying to help a wounded animal, especially a wild one. I've lived here long enough to know I have to be careful, otherwise I'm gonna end up in a helicopter being airlifted to the nearest hospital. Used to be I was scared to approach a wild animal, but I've gotten over that fear, especially when I see one in pain. It's what Ward would've done. He was always the one who wanted to help anyone who needed it.
Since I seem to have failed Katie in that aspect, I desperately want to help this fox. Ever so slowly, I approach, hoping I don't spook him. He whines, looking at me with big eyes. They pull at my heartstrings, and it's as if this situation has been sent to me from Ward, so I can have something to help me touch my feet to the ground, and realize there's a place for me to stand.
It could be a whole day or five minutes as I approach, but it doesn't matter, because I wanted to give him enough time to get used to me. When I finally get to within touching distance of his nose, I let him sniff me and then move in.
"I'm not going to hurt you," I reiterate, and it's then he lets me touch him.
If there's another thing I've learned, it's to take it slow and easy, don't rush anything. It's like loving on a woman, you can't plunge forward and hope for the best. You have to be patient and figure out what they'll like and accept. Reaching in, I grab hold of his leg, taking care not to pull too hard on it. The wire from the fence is wrapped tightly, more than likely where he'd been trying to get himself loose.
"Just a little bit more," I whisper, manipulating it this way and that, doing my best to go as fast as I can and not hurt him at the same time.
I continue to work, and then the barbed wire comes loose. I step back, allowing him the time to adjust to having his leg back. He tries it, and he's limping for a moment, but quickly enough he's putting full weight on it, and running away. In the distance, I can see what I believe to be his mama.
As they leave together, a wave of emotion hits me that I'm wholly unprepared for. It's like everything that's happened in the past month and a half is falling on my shoulders as heavy as anything else ever has. It's not as if I don't know how to prepare for emotions, I feel them just like everyone else, but the heaviness of this, the darkness I've been living in since I lost my dream and my brother died? It's right here front and center causing a pain in my chest.
Tears drip from my eyes, and I wonder just how in the hell I'm going to make it. Will I be able to? There isn't an option for me to not make it, which is the scariest thing I've ever experienced. Not having options isn't where I ever saw myself being. It was something that happened to other people, and maybe I'm selfish or naive, but I thought Ward and I would make it out of what our parents had planned for us.
Looks like they're the ones laughing.
Inhaling deeply, I wipe my face and then head over to my horse. It'll do me nothing to sit out here by myself.
Katie
I've sat here for the past few hours, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to live this life I've been thrust into without the person who was supposed to be by my side through the whole thing. Jokes on me, I guess.
Getting up from the couch, I go to the bathroom and decide it'll be best to take a shower and figure out what I'm going to do from there. Taking a shower will make me feel better.
It's weird, taking a shower in a place I've never been in before. It's right now I realize I didn't feel this way with Trace. Although I didn't know him, I felt like we were a team. We each had a part to play and we promised to have each other's back.
I can't count on him now, and I know it more than I ever have.
"Katie, it's time you stand on your own two feet, and figure out what it's going to be that helps you make the best of the time you have left. Don't count on anyone, you can do this."
It's the pep-talk I need. Quickly I disrobe, and let the water get to the temperature I like and then slip under it. The water pouring over me is like a cleansing balm, helping to heal not only my spirit but a part of my heart that hurts because my husband didn't want to fight for me.
When I'm done, I get out, get dressed, do my hair and makeup, get in the SUV, and then head to town. When I get onto main street, the first thing I see is a help wanted sign in the bookstore window.
Marissa knows me, and she halfway knows the situation I'm in. Quickly I walk in.
"Hey," Marissa smiles as she sees me. "What's going on? You look like hell."
Swallowing roughly I press my lips together. "I left Trace, I need a job."
Her eyes are warm, but I can see the questions in them.
"I'd rather not talk about it, but if you have an open job, I can do it. Please, just give me a chance."
Her smile is soft. "I can use the help today, and I have enough work to keep you busy around thirty hours a week. Will that work?"
"Yes, I'm here to do whatever you need."
Confidence like I've never felt before rises in my stomach, and I tell myself I can make this work. Against all odds, I will make this work.