43. Chapter 43 - Rosalyn
Cade was right, Evelyn Conner is amazing. My second visit is even better than my first.
Leaving her office, I go to where Cade sits in the waiting room, his legs kicked out and crossed in front of him and his hat tipped down over his eyes like one of those cowboys in the old posters.
Except when he raises his head and his broad smile shines as he sees me, he looks more like a movie star.
My movie star.
He folds his boots under him and stands, holding out his hand for me to thread my fingers into his.
“How do you feel about pizza and then a horseback ride up the canyon?” He tugs me close enough to kiss the top of my head before he holds the swinging glass door of the building open for me.
“That sounds lovely. Petunia is probably bored silly.” The truck seat is hot through my pants where the sun hit it.
Holy cow, it’s only February. What will it be like in July?
“Yea, they could use a good stretch of the legs. Me too.” His lips thin as he starts the engine, then rests his palm on my thigh.
I like that he does that every time now.
“Cade?” I trace the scars over his knuckles. “Why don’t you ask me about what I talk about with Evelyn?” I didn’t realize it until today but he didn’t last time either.
“It’s your business, Ros. You should feel free to talk to her about anything you want. She’s required to keep it all confidential, so whatever you tell her stays between you.” He shrugs. “Even if it’s about me. You deserve all the safe spaces you need.”
My nails follow the thick veins on the back of hand that run up his forearm. “Well, it was about you today.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” he grunts.
“I want to.” I catch him glancing at me with a frown. “She doesn’t pull any punches.”
He snorts. “No, she certainly doesn’t. That’s what makes her good at her job though.”
I’ve never heard a woman in her eighties so blunt. It was kind of off putting last time.
But I’m getting used to it. I kind of want to be like her. “She asked me about sex.”
His fingers spasm on my leg and he makes some sort of choking sound. “Okay?”
I can’t quite look at him and continue. But I want to have this conversation…it’s just hard. “And why we haven’t yet.”
“Ros,” he exhales. “You have a choice with her too. You’re allowed to not answer her questions if you aren’t ready.” His head shakes with a deep rumble in his chest. “She doesn’t know what you went through and how far you’ve come.”
“She knows. I showed her the scars.” I circle his arm and kiss one of the puckered marks above his elbow that resemble a small heart. “You made it easier for me.”
The crow’s feet next to his eyes deepen as his jaw tics. “I’m proud of you, Ros.”
His praise makes heat bloom in my chest.
“She asked me two things.” I hold up a pair of fingers.
“First?” I drop my middle, keeping my index jabbing the air.
“She wanted to know if the reason I was waiting was because I might be worried that if I did something wrong you would hate me.” I fight the tremble in my chin.
“And the second—” I wave both fingers, holding back the panic that threatens to shut me down.
“—is if I’m afraid that I’ll be the kind of mother my own was. ”
His nostrils flare and his gaze leaps to his rearview mirror before he veers us over to the side of the road to slam the transmission in park.
Then he turns to me, clasping my hand between his.
“Get number one out of your head. There isn’t a damn thing you could ever do to make me hate you.
You just escaped from hell, Ros. There ain’t a person on this earth that should be rushing you to do anything with your body you don’t want to do.
” Fire licks at his irises. “As for the second—” His lips thin into a pained line.
“—you dream of love without the hurt. I know you’d carry that like an oath.
” He reaches out to grip behind my neck, pulling me so his forehead rests against mine.
“You would be the shield, Ros, breaking the pattern,” he says hoarsely.
But then he takes a long breath and loosens his hold.
“Hell, our kids would be spoiled rotten shits because they’d never get in trouble.
” Then his brows raise and a smile lifts his frown.
“But I gotta warn ya, I was a pain in the ass when I was little. Full of all kinds of piss and vinegar.”
“Our kids?” I squeak. I hadn’t thought about it before today when Evelyn asked.
I’ve been so focused on fighting the past I never thought a future would exist.
“You want them? With me?” My mind is spinning.
“Ros, I want you happy and healthy. Period. With whatever that may or may not bring.” He drops his wrist over the steering wheel, letting his fingers dangle. “My brothers want to repopulate their corner of the earth, so there ain’t no shortage of McCulloughs running around.”
His gaze narrows and he turns to stare out the windshield. “Got a text from Wade. The funeral for my folks was yesterday.” He drops his chin, running his thumb over the edge of the dash. “So I s’pose there’s two less.”
Guilt floods into me. I was so worried about myself I didn’t see he was in pain. “I’m so sorry.” I know how much he loved them.
It tears me apart that he’s suffered so much because of my family, yet here he is, putting my needs before his own.
“You should be there.” I touch the tender skin on the inside of his elbow. “It isn’t fair you don’t get that closure with them.”
His chest fills with a long inhale that he lets out slowly. “I might have to sometime soon. Your brothers didn’t come down to Texas. John was spotted in Pendleton according to Wade.”
Panic grips me by the throat, stealing my air and seizing me in icy claws. “When?” I croak.
“I don’t know.” When he turns, he looks haggard. “Depends on what their next move is. There wasn’t enough evidence to pin anything on them from the fire.”
He glances over his shoulder, then shifts the truck into drive, pulling back onto the road. “I kinda want to tell Pete to fuck off and stay here.”
I almost beg him to. I don’t want to go back.
But being here, alone, is terrifying too. He really will hate me if I ask him to stay. Then it will be my fault when something else happens.
So I sit in silence, a frozen statue, as all the possibilities I can’t control drown me.