13. Halliday
13
HALLIDAY
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
It’s repeating like a mantra in my head, re-playing last night’s events over and over. I returned to the dinner table like nothing happened, followed by Sterling a few minutes later. I felt his gaze burning across the table for the rest of the evening, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
To face what I’d done.
He’s my client.
I groan inwardly, pressing my fingertips to my aching temples and massaging them.
The coffee line grinds to a halt as a girl at the front reels off a long order. I don’t mind the wait. Waiting in line is preferable to anything else I need to do today… like face Sterling.
My phone rings in my bag, and I pull it out.
“Dad?” I say as it connects.
“How are you, love? It’s been a few days. Your mother and I were worried.”
I almost smile for the first time since Sterling and I kissed.
Two days. It’s been two days since I spoke to Mum and updated her on everything I’ve done here. All the sights I’ve seen, the shopping I’ve done with Sinclair, and the food we ate.
“I’m fine,” I lie, failing to push past the tension that’s fogged my head since I woke up. Even meditating hasn’t taken the edge off.
“And work?”
“Great.” Another lie.
“Oh well, that’s good news. Your mother will be happy. She’s missing you. She said you and her are going to watch that new movie when you come back. The one with that American fella in—what’s his name?”
“Jay Anderson.”
“That’s him. Your mother’s excited. We can get the guest room ready?”
The hope in his voice is like a barrel full of ants just tipped over in my stomach.
“Sure. Thanks.”
Mum and Dad love when I visit home. I have my place in London that Sophie keeps an eye on for me when I’m away. Sometimes I let it out as an Airbnb if I think I’m going to be away for a while. Mum and Dad are always relieved when I take clients on closer to home. I know they worry with me being away.
And I know their house has felt too quiet and empty since we lost Jenny.
“Wonderful, wonderful.” Dad’s voice brims over with delight. “Thank you, love. You know how much this will mean to your mother.”
“I can’t wait to see you,” I reply, moving along with the line as the girl with the big order gets served with two full take-out trays and leaves.
It’s not a lie this time. I really can’t wait to see them. I just didn’t think I’d be going home having created such a huge mess here.
We chat a little more before I ring off and order a latte, standing at the counter to add sugar once I get it.
“Good night?”
I glance at the woman beside me and my spirits lift for the first time all morning.
“Zoey! Hey, how are you?”
“Good.” Beaming, she takes her drink from the barista and thanks them.
“Sinclair told me last night was a success.” She raises her brows at me in excitement, and the familiar guilt comes hurtling into my stomach.
“She did?”
“Uh-huh.” Zoey holds the door for me as we both exit onto the street. “Is that why you’re in the neighborhood? You going to do a de-brief with her dad?”
“Um.” I bite my lower lip. “Something like that.”
I’ve actually been walking the neighborhood where Seasons is for most of the morning trying to pluck up the courage to face him.
“I never really saw him with Lavinia.” Zoey shrugs. “Although, I guess she’s the only woman he’s ever gone out with more than once. Usually he’s a one and done guy.”
I wince as I recall the photos I saw of Sterling with different women on his arm when I was researching ahead of my trip here. To the outside world, he looked like a man who was never short of female company. But photographs don’t tell the whole story.
“I was never her first choice.”
“I faked my own damn orgasm.”
Sinclair hinted that she thought there had been other women since he lost their mother. Maybe after Lavinia, there were others?
I swallow down something that tastes like jealousy as it threatens to swirl from my gut.
“Sinclair’s so excited. She said Sterling seemed different last night. Once you’d all left, she overheard Denver say something to him about lipstick on his jaw. Lavinia must have landed one on him when none of you were looking.”
Something rises from my gut again, but this time it’s not jealousy, it’s bile.
“What’s the matter? You look like you’re about to barf.”
“I…”
Zoey’s dark brown eyes widen, the white of them bright against her rich skin as I struggle to answer.
“Halliday?” she coaxes.
I’ve always hated lying. I’m useless at it. I only allow myself the odd white lie, like to my father, to spare him and Mum from worrying about me. I’m sure people can see it written all over my face when I try.
I give her the briefest nod.
“Oh. My. God.” She grabs my arm.
I glance at her giant twinkling engagement ring. Given to her by a man she’s supposed to be with. Not one she was hired to help find love for, and then took a bite out of herself to quell her reckless desires. Not a man whose future happiness is in jeopardy from her actions.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I wasn’t supposed to match with him myself,” I choke out.
“Fuck!” Zoey gasps.
She wraps an arm around me, steering me into a small park area and guiding me to a bench.
I slump into the seat gratefully as my legs wobble.
“Does he feel the same?”
“Yes.”
She blows out a breath, leaning against the bench.
“Wow.”
“You can say that again,” I mutter.
She turns to me, her brow scrunching up in thought as she meets my eyes, which I’m sure are filled with a mix of panic and guilt.
“Okay. Breathe. This isn’t a bad thing.”
“It isn’t?” I stare at her, incredulous.
“No. Daddy Beaufort wants his English Queen. I mean, I can see why. You’re driven and a little crazy, and so damn sweet. You’re exactly the kind of person I would have put him with.”
She holds my eyes with complete sincerity and despite the severity of the situation, I snort.
“The kind of person you’d put him with… except I’m twenty years younger? Oh, and he’s my client.” I screw my face up.
“Yeah.” Her brow creases. “I get the client thing. But the age gap?” She shakes her head. “You’re smart. You’re a real bad-ass bitch building up your company the way you have. I mean, I imagine it’s more like a meeting of minds, right? Do you notice his age when you’re together?”
“No. He’s just… Sterling.”
I look down at my paper coffee cup and fiddle with the lid.
He’s just Sterling. The man who told me to take my sister’s photograph to a private viewing of the Statue of Liberty he arranged. The man who listens to me, who understands my past, my pain, my fears.
The man who understands me .
“And physically, Sterling’s... Well, he’s not like most guys his age, is he? Don’t tell Sinclair I said this, but that man would blow guys half his age out of the water. And that whole suited gentleman vibe… Phew.”
Zoey fans herself, and I’m grateful for her attempt to lighten the mood when all I see is darkness and uncertainty ahead.
“What am I supposed to tell Sinclair? She needs to know why I’ve failed her. Why I’ve failed him.”
“Failed? No way.” Zoey purses her lips. “Sinclair said the last couple of weeks are the happiest she’s seen him in ages. Do you think she’ll care that you’re the one it’s because of?”
“I—”
“Their family has been through so much. She wants him to be happy. It’s all she’s spoken about for months. It’s like she refuses to get on with her own life until she knows he’s okay. If you’re worried about Sinclair’s reaction, don’t be. I mean that.”
“God,” I breathe, wrapping my hands around my coffee to keep them warm.
I want to believe her. I need there to be a way that I haven’t screwed this all up.
“I don’t know what to say. Thank you for making a hellish morning bearable.”
Zoey returns my smile with one filled with hope. She’s seen Sinclair go through the worst couple of years imaginable. I admire Zoey for wanting to latch on to the good in what’s happened between Sterling and I. She wants there to be something to hold on to. Something that she thinks will bring not only Sterling, but her best friend, happiness.
But despite wishing I could share her optimism, I still can’t.
Because that something isn’t me.
It cannot be me.
He’s my client. He lives in New York. A future with him would mean leaving my parents. Jeopardizing my reputation.
Jenny’s charity will suffer.
I picture his face, recalling the way he called me Baby girl as he kissed me with a passion I only ever thought existed in the movies Jenny loved so much.
But none of that matters.
It cannot be me.
This time the universe has it wrong.