Chapter 34
At last, feeling she could barely walk another step, she trailed up to Pal and Josie’s door and rang the bell. She heard the clumping of somebody coming down the wooden stairs quite slowly.
Josie opened the door, looking the same, but different. It was one thing seeing her friend in two dimensions, but Cassie found the physicality of Josie heavily pregnant quite overwhelming.
‘You’re here!’
‘I’m here.’
‘Oh my God, look at me, I’m the size of a house.’
‘You look amazing.’
The two hugged as best they could. Josie’s face was fuller than usual but her eyes sparkled and her smile was as warm as ever.
Seated at the kitchen table, tucking into a slice of carrot cake and a mug of java, Cassie gazed around her friend’s so-familiar apartment which, not unlike Josie herself, looked the same, but different. The little painted yellow chest of drawers was wedged in the hallway, waiting to be filled with tiny vests and socks and Babygros, while through a doorway, she could see the second bedroom painted a dove grey and with stencilled little white clouds. This was now a family home. Six months ago, she reflected, that would’ve made her sad, but no longer was she feeling like life was passing her by; instead, she was feeling, well, that she was up to her neck in it, whatever happened. There was only so much you could control, and that was a fact.
‘We got an email last week. Gav’s wedding’s back on. You won’t believe this, but he blamed the whole thing on an “administrative error”!’
The two women rocked with laughter at the sheer neck of it.
‘You know, when he turned up in the middle of the night, he asked me to make him a carbonara.’
That set them off again.
‘I don’t know why I’m laughing, Josie. If I didn’t, I’d be bawling.’
‘Wow, Cass, you’ve come a long way.’
‘Thanks.’
‘So .?.?. what about Finn?’
‘You know, I asked him to Mam’s wedding but .?.?. It felt like Gav all over again.’
Josie’s face was concerned. ‘And his kids?’
Cassie shrugged and tried to explain in a garbled way what’d happened: about Samantha’s rage, about Marisha, about how he felt he’d no choice but to finish with her and how she still felt constantly on the verge of texting him every time something good happened, or something bad. And how she was still in love with him. It was only as she described the events to Josie that she had time to really hear them herself. Despite the morning’s euphoria, a bleakness crept over her.
‘Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. He sounds .?.?. how can I put it? In a difficult position, but a bit .?.?.’
‘What? Please tell me.’
‘Mmm. He’s lovely .?.?. He’s just a bit .?.?. slippery, like mercury,’ said Josie.
‘Slippery?’
‘But I mean it in a nice way. Look, none of us are perfect, we’re all something, for God’s sake.’ Josie was trying to backtrack on the shot that had accidentally hit home.
Cassie nodded. ‘He could’ve stood up for me a bit more, but then, what do I know? I’m not a mum.’
The words hung in the air.
‘I’m so glad to be here, Jos.’
‘Me too, sweetie, I’ve really missed you.’ She rubbed her round stomach protectively. Babies or no babies, they would always be friends. Of that, Cassie was sure.
That evening the three of them cooked a meal together. As Cassie chopped a salad and crushed garlic, while sipping a glass of wine, she was reminded of the old days. Josie was long past morning sickness but still gagged at the smell of anything too strong.
‘I can’t wait for this sprog to land,’ said Pal. ‘I haven’t cooked a decent curry in months.’ He winked at Josie, who would’ve playfully kicked him in the bum if she hadn’t been liable to tip over. This was how it should be, thought Cassie sadly: two equal partners in it together, not snatched meetings here and there, and compromised loyalties. But Jos was right earlier, and no situation was perfect, second families most of all.
‘Hundred per cent, Pal, get the priorities right.’ Cassie laughed.
God, she’d missed these sessions. They sat at the old pine table and made their way through a mountain of fish pie and salad – or at least Pal did, who no amount of food seemed to fill. Cassie felt like she’d run a marathon and tucked in enthusiastically.
‘So, how did it go?’
‘Oh, Pal, don’t ask her. You know that’s like asking someone to read the future from, like, a leftover hamburger.’
‘What?’
‘People claim they can do that. I’ve seen it on TV.’
‘From a hamburger? What people? That’s the most irrational thing I’ve ever heard—’
‘Just people.’
‘The art of divination. It used to be cow entrails in ancient Rome,’ said Cassie helpfully.
‘Please, I’m eating.’
‘You started it.’
‘You never know with castings, it all depends on who else went for it,’ said Josie.
‘Come on, give me your glass, Cass. I’ve been on fizzy water in sympathy with preggers here. Let’s have a toast just in case you get the part.’
The three of them toasted everything that had happened, hadn’t happened and might yet happen, if they were lucky. Cassie felt a pang of melancholy that here was one of those rare snapshot moments when everything comes together on a silly, random night.
Pal was all in for a quick game of Scrabble, when Cassie felt tiredness wash over her, as though her battery had just died.
‘It’s only a quarter past nine but I’m done.’
‘Thank God I’m finally not the only one saying that,’ said Josie.
Between them they made up the sofa bed in the spare room and she flopped down, every fibre of her body collapsing with relief and exhaustion. What a day , her mind began, but something bigger, darker, warmer enveloped her and that was the last thing she remembered.
*?*?*
‘Smashed avocado on toast with crispy bacon and possibly a sausage?’
Pal’s narrow face appeared around the door above an apron with a Tarzan body printed on it. It took her a moment of bewilderment before she remembered where she was.
‘Oooh, yeah, great, just give me a minute.’
She did love that about Pal, his Labrador-like enthusiasm and excellent cooking skills. His head disappeared and as she sat up in bed, her head swam. Oh God no, she wasn’t going to be sick, was she? Dangling her feet on the side of the bed for a few minutes, the wobble steadied. She shuffled into the kitchen to be met by Josie in her oversized T-shirt and leggings and could see from the back that Pal was naked under the apron, apart from boxer shorts, a concession to having a guest.
‘Wow, Pal, you covered your bum, I’m honoured. Somebody really important must be visiting.’
He grinned at her and, without asking, filled a mug of coffee and pushed it towards her. Her stomach heaved.
‘I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m going to be able to manage this. By the way, did we get royally rat-arsed last night?’
‘No, sweetie, it must be yesterday catching up with you, that’s all,’ said Josie.
‘Oh well, all the more for me,’ declared Pal, piling up a plate.
Cassie wasn’t sure exactly what she felt like eating and wandered over to the fridge for a mooch. It was only after she sat down that she noticed the look on Josie’s face.
‘Cassie .?.?.’
Only then did she register what she was holding: a strawberry Actimel. Their eyes met.
‘Are you late?’
‘No. I’m only due this .?.?. No, wait, it must’ve been .?.?. last weekend. Oh shit.’
‘Pal, babe, as soon as you’ve got through that lot, we’re going to need you to do a run .?.?. to the pharmacy.’
*?*?*
‘Is it showing yet?’ shouted Josie through the bathroom door. Cassie was sitting on the loo, leaning forward on her elbows and staring at the white plastic stick in her hand.
‘Yes.’
‘Great, well open the door, then.’
‘No, I mean it’s a yes .’
From outside the door, she could hear Josie scream, Pal saying something and then him screaming too. She unlocked the door and they both burst in and jumped on her.
‘Oh my God, oh my God. I know when it was. It must have been after that sozzled baby shower.’
‘OK, OK, everybody calm down,’ said Josie, looking anything but calm. ‘Cass, you were meant to be here today, this was meant to happen.’
Cassie nodded dumbly. Apart from feeling as seedy as she could ever remember, her life was now in freefall, totally unrecognisable. She looked at Josie, who was struggling to look confident.
‘What am I going to do?’
‘You’re going to do .?.?. nothing right now. Have a nice shower and we’ll let the dust settle, then we’ll see.’
Which sounded like something she could manage. Just about.
They all sat in the sitting room, Cassie in a pair of jeans that already felt constricting.
‘I don’t understand, Jos, how can you not feel pregnant one day and then, the next .?.?.’
‘I don’t know, that’s just how it is. I was the same.’
On the one hand, this was amazing, beyond belief; on the other, she wasn’t naive enough to think that there wasn’t a fair chance something could go wrong, especially at her age. In that case, she thought, all the more reason to savour every moment of being pregnant, as this might be the only chance she’d get.
‘Should I tell Finn?’ She already knew the answer.
‘Do you want to?’
‘Yes. But d’you think it’ll seem manipulative?’
‘Pal, if it was you, would you feel manipulated?’ said Josie.
‘What? You’re asking me to imagine something I haven’t done, as though I was somebody else. I don’t freaking know.’
‘That’s such a guy thing to say. Cass, I mean, d’you feel what happened was a mistake?’
‘God no, it was a really fun time. I just thought we were being careful .?.?. Who am I kidding? We totally weren’t being careful.’
‘Well, at least it’s nice to think this baby had a happy conception.’
They both laughed ruefully.
‘That’ll sort everything.’
‘You know what I think? Do nothing for the next couple of weeks, then decide. It’s all going to be OK. I have a feeling.’
‘Thanks, Jos,’ said Cassie, without a hint of certainty.
*?*?*
The following day, before Cassie set off for Heathrow, she felt a wave of unease. As long as she’d been with Pal and Josie, she’d felt safe and understood, but now, heading out into a world that mightn’t be so kind, she was overcome with panic.
‘You guys, you’ve been so amazing. I’d be nothing without you. And your baby’s going to be amazing too.’
‘We love you, Cass, we’re always here for you, no matter what,’ said Josie, hugging her as best she could.
Outside, the street was full of people in fashionable clothes; the weather was cloudy but still sweltering, and the sky dark with a yellowish tinge. Just then an eerie violet flash lit up the sky, followed by an earth-shaking crash, and the first giant drops of rain began to fall. Was this a portent of things to come? Stuff and nonsense, she thought, rushing for the shelter of a shop awning as huge drops of rain plopped down on top of her.