Chapter Nineteen
ERABELLA - NOW
Oh, my Gods.
My mind spiraled, in such utter disbelief, in humiliation, that I felt like I might faint.
Silas’s mother was alive. Ulric was the necromancer. I knew that was the most pressing information. But Gods, did I feel like a fucking idiot.
My gaze slowly dragged from Silas to Lena. “You…you two were…” I slowly backed away. “Oh, my Gods. I’m a fool.”
Lena’s eyes filled with tears, which angered me further. “Era,” she started. “I am so sorry—”
I lifted my palm and slapped her across the face.
Silas immediately snatched my wrists. “Be angry with me,” he insisted. “Not her.”
My face contorted in disgust before I glanced back at Lena, who held her reddened cheek. “I considered you my friend,” I spat. “Both of you can go to hell.”
I gave one final look at Merrick, his face ridden with guilt. He knew not only that Silas loved Lena, but that they had an entire history.
He knew. And after learning fragments of my past, after I gave him my mind, body, and soul, he still kept this from me.
I hoped he felt every awful emotion I did. Without another word, I stormed out.
My hands gripped the porcelain railing of the balcony tightly. My head throbbed with vengeance, in a competition with my heart to see which could cause me more pain.
I was a fool. A fool not to have seen it.
A fool for believing Merrick would’ve told me. Would’ve loved me enough to take me out of the dark, to trust me with this information. To prioritize my feelings.
“Era,” Merrick gently said, his fingers brushing my arm.
I shrugged him off. “You knew,” I rasped, my glare blurry as I turned to face him. “You fucking knew all this time. Everything that happened in the Valley…was it because you felt guilty?”
“What?! Of course not,” he insisted as he took my hands in his. I tried to free myself from his grasp, but he only tightened his hold. His eyes pleaded with me as he uttered, “It was with great effort that I kept that a secret, especially from you.”
Rage ripped through my body, my head pounding as Merrick laced his fingers in mine.
I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t believe any of this. I hated myself for the lack of control I had over my emotions, water dripping from my eyes as I averted my gaze to the sparkling ocean waves.
“I told you before when we were trapped there that you deserve something real, not just some mutual agreement.”
I laughed, though I found none of this funny. “And, what?” If my eyes could’ve burned holes, Merrick’s face would’ve been scorched. I tugged my hands away. “I deserve you? How are you any better than Silas? Continuing to stay with Viola when you’ve slept with me?”
His throat worked as he swallowed, breathing heavily.
At his silence, I crossed my arms, studying the sea. “You are all the same,” I muttered.
Goosebumps spread across my body, an unwelcome warmth, as Merrick placed a hand on the small of my back. “You were unfaithful just as I was,” he uttered quietly. “You can’t help who you fall in love with, even if it’s wrong. Even if you can’t have them.”
My heart skipped, remembering that those were the same words I’d said to him after we made love the first time.
“You have me, Era,” he’d said.
My heart, the part of me that wanted love, wanted warmth and care, wanted to say, “You have me, Merrick.”
But I was angry. Bitter. So, instead, I lied, not even turning to face him. “I am not in love with you.”
I bit down hard, tasting my blood as he softly whispered in my ear, “I know when you are lying, Erabella.”
Damn him. Damn him for making me believe in happy endings. In fantasy.
In love.
I turned slowly, resentment burning in my chest.
I pushed him with all my might, and he stumbled back in shock. Another shove, and my cries morphed into sobs as I punched his chest again and again and again.
Damn him for lying to me! Damn him for making me believe he cared! DAMN HIM!
As my emotions overcame me, my assaults weakened, and I then broke, my hands covering my eyes as I wept.
Despite my attack, Merrick hauled me into his embrace, trailing his touch along my spine to soothe me. “You aren’t in love with me,” I wailed into his chest.
“Yes, yes, I am,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head. “I ended things with Viola just before the ball.”
I sniffled as my head shot up. “You did?”
Merrick nodded gently, and I pulled back enough to study him. “Why?”
It was stupid to ask why. I knew Merrick’s feelings for her were those of a friend.
“What do you mean, why? It’s you I love.” My face fell as his fingers weaved through my hair, the sensation unbearably pleasant when mixed with my anger. “It’s you I want,” he whispered. “You must know that.”
My voice broke as I said, “If you loved me, you would have told me. Do you know how humiliating that was for me? Do you have any idea?”
His charcoal eyes stayed locked on mine, and I refrained from clutching my skull. My brain pulsed, and I almost welcomed the pain as a distraction. This was worse. Far worse.
“I know exactly how you feel, Era,” he insisted, his tone laced with regret.
“That’s why it fucking kills me. It kills me that I made this mistake.
” He kissed the top of my head again, holding his lips there for a moment.
“I was worried I’d hurt you more than help.
But it’s no excuse. I should have told you. ”
“When you found me when I left the ball, when I had finally noticed something going on between Silas and Lena, you still didn’t tell me.”
Didn’t tell me yet had no problem enjoying my mouth. My body.
“I thought that maybe you’d be happy he was fancying her…because it meant you could be with me.”
“You lied to me for Lena,” I muttered with jealous rage.
I could admit it. I was jealous. Jealous that she had somehow gotten all these men wrapped around her finger.
What did she have that I didn’t?
What was wrong with me?
Merrick’s frown deepened as he pulled away, scanning my face. “I love Lena, Era. I do.”
My lip curled, and as I went to turn away again, Merrick clutched my arms, holding me in place. “But my feelings for her, platonic as they are, do not even compare to what I feel for you. Not even close.”
I wanted to believe it. Wanted it to be true.
But I knew it wasn't.
“You chose her, just as Silas did,” I said bitterly. “You can say the sweetest things, but at the end of the day, your actions showed me exactly how you feel about me. Now let me go!” I barked.
“Name what I can do to regain your trust, and I will do it. Yell at me, hit me, do what you wish with me. But do not shut me out.” His hands moved to my wrists, squeezing them tightly.
“Ask me anything, and you will know if it’s the truth.
I showed you that power in the Valley. I've never shown anyone I can do that.”
“Let me go!” I cried. I didn’t want to think of the Valley. Of that cabin. Of any of it.
“No! Don’t shut me out again!” His voice broke. “Please, Era. We don’t have to hide what we have anymore if we don’t wish to.” His expression shattered my heart as he whispered, “Don’t go.”
“You and I have nothing. Nothing, Merrick.”
His eyes flared, his mouth opening and shutting, not knowing what to say. And then he released me.
I jerked away, frozen in place only for a moment before I stormed back inside.
I rubbed my temples as I searched for a space where I could be alone. Needing to be anywhere but in his presence, even if I still craved it.
Once I found a suitable location, I slid to the floor, hauling my knees to my chest.
“Fairytales, that’s what they are, Era. You’ll never break free from here.”
Those words repeated in my head, tormenting me with every pulse of my brain. It was a fairytale, wasn’t it? To believe someone could love me so fully.
To believe I was deserving of it.
I wasn’t sure how many minutes passed before footsteps sounded down the corridor. I knew it was Silas. “I don’t want to talk,” I muttered, not wishing to look at him.
“Era…” He sighed as he sat beside me, leaning his head against the wall. “I have messed up so much. I’m sorry you were in the crossfire of all my poor decisions.”
Yeah. I’m sure you felt really sorry as you were shoving your cock inside her.
Gods. I was a hypocrite, wasn’t I?
Instead of saying that, I simply scoffed, then asked, “Why didn’t you leave me behind? Why didn’t you dispose of me before we left the fort?”
Silas’s head recoiled. “Dispose of you?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Believe me or not, I love you, Era.”
Hah. Loves me. Men are keen on throwing that term around like it is nothing, aren’t they?
The laugh that crawled up my throat was not one of amusement, and my jaw clenched when Silas placed his hand on mine.
“I didn’t know how to feel once Lena was back in my life,” he explained. “She was my first love—”
“Yeah, I saw everything, remember?” I muttered bitterly.
“You saw snippets, yes. But none did justice to how close she and I were.” He sighed. “I would’ve never left you behind, one, because I love you, and two, because I didn’t know what the King would have done to you. I wanted you safe.”
“Yeah, this journey has been real fucking safe. Great job, Your Highness.”
“I know I’m not the good guy in this situation, Era. I was unfaithful to you.”
My soul threatened to succumb to my guilt. I had no right to be angry with him. Yet I couldn’t help it.
“Even before you cheated, you weren’t a good husband,” I whispered, my rage melting into heartbreak.
“I know.” He ran his thumb over my hand in an attempt at comfort. “You deserved better than me this entire time.”
Had I deserved better? After proving that I was an unfaithful woman? After taking out my own loathing of my life on the only man who’d held my heart?
After what I had done to Mabel?
“It’s not like we were in love when we married,” I said quietly. “I knew that. But I had thought, ‘If he got to know me, then perhaps he’d love me,’ but your heart…it already had belonged to another.”
“You have done nothing wrong,” he insisted. “You’ve been a perfect wife.”
You have done nothing wrong.
I shook my head back and forth, my anger growing as I tore my hand away. I buried my head in my knees, wanting so badly to curl into a ball and disappear from this place. Disappear from my own mind.
“Truly, Era. I just…everything I have gone through has fucked with my head,” he said softly. Sadly. “I didn’t want to feel what I felt with Lena ever again. I didn’t desire that level of closeness. Because I remembered what it felt like to lose it.”
Silence lingered between us until I quietly asked, “What happened to your back?” At his lack of response, I lifted my head, my eyes burning into his. “Tell me what happened to you, Silas.”
My heartbeat quickened, and I raised my legs to rest my elbows on my knees. “The King had me beaten anytime I showed emotion when it came to killing. Any time I showed compassion, or empathy, or fear. He had me tortured for months.”
What little bit of love I had for him still—which was more than I wished, truly—had my heart squeezing when I pictured him being harmed.
“And…you felt it worked?”
He took in a shaky breath. “I didn’t lose my humanity until he had me raped as punishment.”
My heart stopped, my mouth falling open, eyes expanding.
Ulric had him…raped?
My legs sank to the floor as he held my gaze and said, “He had three men he'd kept as prisoners do it. Every week for months straight.”
Dear Gods…
“I lost myself, Era. I…I wasn’t always this way. I used to be a decent man.”
I wasn’t always this way.
Pain scratched up my throat, Silas becoming blurry before me.
I used to be a decent man.
I lost myself.
“I think if that had never happened to me…” he said, voice quiet, “I think I may have been able to love you how you deserved. I think I could’ve been open, could’ve told you about my past. Could’ve moved on.
But it was like the real me, the Silas who existed before all the death, the torture, the rape…
” He chewed on his quivering lip. “I buried him so deep I wasn’t sure he existed anymore. ”
“And then you saw her,” I whispered.
He nodded. “And it was like these versions of me were battling. The real me wanted back out. But it hurt…” More of my tears spilled, and his voice crack as he whispered, “Being him hurts…”
I had never seen Silas cry before. Never in such a state. His gaze dropped in shame.
I was still furious. Still hurt. But hearing all of this, knowing just how tortured he’d been, both physically and mentally…
I gently placed my hand on his. “I’m so sorry you went through that,” I said tenderly.
His voice was sincere as he replied, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I lied. You deserved so much more. You deserved to have had the real me.” My heart fluttered from the small smile he gave me. “I think you would’ve liked him.”
“I liked you just as you were,” I said honestly, gently. “I didn’t like how closed off you were…didn’t like how cold you could be. But I loved you, regardless. You saved me from my family. I’ll always be grateful for that.” I withdrew my hand. “I…I just need time—time to adjust to all of this.”
“I understand.”
Another wave of pain spread through my mind. These headaches were growing worse. Surely all this stress was not helping. “I'd like to be alone now if you don't mind,” I muttered as I rubbed my temples, not that it offered any relief.
He nodded in understanding and stood, leaving me all by myself.