Chapter 11 #2
They comforted me as much as they crushed me to the point where it felt like my chest was about to cave in and I couldn’t breathe.
I released some smoke and leaned forward, resting my arms on my legs.
“This used to be one of my favorite moments on vacation,” he admitted. “After a long hike and hundreds of photos, make sure the kids are off to bed and then watch you smoke a cigar.”
I looked down at the cigar.
He’d sometimes sniff me after I’d smoked. I’d laugh and shake my head at him, and then we’d go to town on each other.
All those goddamn memories.
Nate took a big swig of the whiskey before handing me the flask. “Do you remember right before we got married, you and Theo stood outside the church?”
I furrowed my brow, thinking back.
“Not the front—you went out a side door or something,” he said. “I saw you when I went to get Hallie’s stuffie from the car. And you… You didn’t look nervous at all. You stood there with your brother, laughing and smoking a cigar. Like, you celebrated even before we’d said I do.”
I did remember that. I just didn’t know Nate had seen me.
“I wasn’t nervous,” I said quietly. “I was…certain.”
He sighed and turned toward me, hitching a leg over the log so he was facing me fully.
“Why did you close your Mclean account?”
That was the mother of topic changes.
I finished the last of the whiskey and thought of what to say. But in the end, had my answer changed any? Not really.
I tucked the empty flask into a pocket and returned my gaze to the fire.
“I guess I lost interest,” I murmured. “I’m no longer a husband, so I don’t have to give a shit either. I’ll stick to being a dad.”
I felt his eyes on me, and I refused to meet his gaze. I was in no mood to fight.
Besides, most of my kink memories had been sullied.
In Boston, they had centered around Nathan and me testing the waters.
Then, joining Mclean, the purpose had become blurry.
I’d found fantastic friends, and I’d felt like I was a part of the machine that kept Mclean going.
I’d helped plan events, I’d hosted demos, and I’d gotten to know some amazing people.
But I hadn’t explored anything sexual for the Daddy Dom in me. Not once.
Mclean House mostly shone a light on my biggest act of cowardice. I didn’t need reminders.
“The guys ask about you sometimes,” Nate mentioned.
I’d made shit clear to them. I couldn’t be around that lifestyle anymore.
I did meet up with Kingsley and Penelope occasionally.
But I was a coward with Pen. When we saw each other for coffee, I usually had one or two of the kids with me.
The rest, I’d seen them once or twice. KC, Reese, Colt, Greer…
I’d lost touch with Walker, and that was a damn shame.
Maybe I could drive up to Boston and visit him sometime.
“I had lunch with Reid the other week,” I admitted. “He said if I ever wanna get back into kink, I’m welcome at Old Town.”
“Oh.”
I glanced at him. “It’d be weird if we were in the same community. Wouldn’t it?”
He turned pensive. “I don’t know. Perhaps in the beginning.”
I pulled from the cigar and blew the smoke skyward.
“But the only times we ran in the same circles were during some parties,” he reasoned. “I wouldn’t want you to stay away from your friends, Ash. I guess…what we could do is, you know, give each other space out there. Maybe when you’re there, I’ll stay home. I don’t know.”
As logical as that sounded, it was also stupid. We’d spent eighteen fucking years together, and now we couldn’t be in the same venue? Especially when we vacationed together and tried to eat dinner with our kids every damn day.
At the same time, I got it. Kink was supposed to be a private thing.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, standing up. “I want a beer and some of that smoked meat we picked up. Do you want any?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
It was time to put out my cigar anyway. I had no intention of saving it, so I put it out in the dirt. Then I pulled out my phone.
I’d been thinking about checking out the Mclean page since they’d launched the app, and now was a good time. I’d only lurk a little bit. While I had zero intention of returning, I did miss hanging out with my buddies.
I reactivated my account and came to a stop on my profile.
Married to @Rigger
That marriage had been reduced to a fucking technicality.
It had an expiration date too.
I clicked on Nate’s profile and felt a cold sweat wash over me. With dread and shock and hurt.
Rigger of @Aceyboy
Rigger of @KinbakuKid
Brother of @RopeNattie
“What the fuck,” I breathed.
Knowing that Nattie was just the Domme Nate ran the bondage group with, I ignored her and clicked on KinbakuKid. Who had listed himself as rope bunny of Rigger. A guy. Twenty-seven years old—oh, thank fuck. Exclusive with another Dom. Nate was only doing rope sessions with him. No deeper dynamic.
The next one, then.
Aceyboy. Who the fuck are you?
Pet of @Rigger
Twenty-five years old, over two hundred photos in his album, a couple of journal entries, and his profile text read—
And there it was.
No DMs! I’m dating @Rigger.
Ten Quick Ones:
All the rope!
Ace
Occasionally a brat
Cuddles and kisses
Domestic servitude
Allergic to fur babies, sadly
Obsessed with K-pop
Save the outdoors, stay inside
NOT a masochist
I hate politics
It felt like my heart had stopped.
My mouth went dry, and I stared unseeingly at the words.
I’m dating @Rigger
But how? What did they have in common aside from bondage? We were an outdoorsy family, for fuck’s sake. Nathan and I liked both cats and dogs, and we were definitely political. Some people from today’s generation didn’t fucking know how good they had it—or how hard we’d fought to get here.
I’m dating @Rigger
I coughed and went back to my own profile as embarrassment and anger pressed closer to the surface. Fuck it all. We were clearly done. He was moving on. He’d already met someone. I removed him from my profile, then promptly deactivated my account again.
Maybe hiding the breakup from Mikey and Lily had done me the disservice of making me hope that maybe…one day…possibly, it’d be Nate and me once more. We’d reunite. Maybe. But no. We were over. And I was done living in that suffocating apartment.
How can we be fucking over?
As soon as we got back to Virginia, I was gonna start looking for a house.
By the time Nate returned, I’d pocketed my phone, and I was just bracing myself for whatever.
Honestly, I didn’t know if I could keep my mouth shut, if I was even supposed to, or how a potential confrontation would play out.
Part of me wanted to punch him in the face.
Another part was ready to beg him to take me back.
You’re dating someone, you motherfucker.
“It’s possible I’m feeling the effects of the whiskey,” he chuckled and sat down. “A cold beer for you.”
I stared at him and accepted the bottle.
Do you have feelings for him yet? How new is it? Is he good in the sack?
I twisted the cap off the beer as he opened the bag of smoked meat.
A mix of jerky and sausage we’d found at a local farm yesterday.
Funnily enough, when we’d bought it, I’d felt close to Nate.
Like we weren’t done at all. We’d been laughing and having a good time.
Even Hallie and Dylan had found us weird.
“I’ve been thinking,” Nate declared. “You should return to Mclean.”
Are you falling for him?
“Is that a fact.” I took a swig of the beer.
He nodded. “Yes. You made such wonderful friends out there, Ash. And if you want privacy—like I said—tell me before you head out, and I’ll stay away. It’s a big community. We can share it.”
Does he suck you off as well as I do?
“At least think about it,” he added. “I’d hate the thought of you alienating yourself. You need friends.”
Do you go on dates?
I tore my gaze from him and stared into the fire instead. It couldn’t hurt me as much as the rat bastard next to me.
Fucking hell, now I saw them too. Kissing, fucking, destroying our bed, going out to dinner, laughing, holding hands—
I was gonna be sick.
“Maybe you’re right,” I forced myself to say. “I should…rejoin society. Maybe meet someone.” Someone who wants me for who I am. “We’ve never suffered any shortage of subs and Littles who wanna play with us after all.”
Nate cleared his throat and picked at the pieces of meat without actually taking anything. “Right. Yes, of course. I have no doubt you’ll have a line of Littles waiting their turn.”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
“I don’t care about the line,” I said. “I want someone to settle down with.” Okay, that was a lie. “I’d like to get married again too.” Horseshit.
He bobbed his head and wouldn’t look up.
The fuck was wrong with him?
A blind person could see he was uncomfortable as hell—but why? He’d met someone. Didn’t I deserve the same happiness?
“I didn’t know you’d thought about marriage,” he said quietly.
I fucking hadn’t. Had he, though? Was he gonna marry that goddamn Aceyboy one day? Was a guy who hated the outdoors going to know my kids?
“Aside from the kids, nothing made me happier than being your husband.” At least that was true. “I wanna feel that way again.”
He cleared his throat and nodded slowly, and he gave up on the smoked meat. He couldn’t stomach it, could he? I knew that feeling.
“I, uh…I think the whiskey was more than enough,” he said awkwardly. “I’m gonna take a walk before bed. Would you mind bringing this inside?” He gestured at the meat and his beer.
He didn’t wait for a response. For some reason, he needed to make a hasty exit, and I watched him stick his hands down his pockets as he walked briskly along a narrow path.
If he continued straight ahead, he’d reach the communal showers and kitchen of the campsite, or he could venture into the forest on one of several trails.
You’re not getting away that easily.
I took another swig of my beer before I got up too. I could tidy up after us later.