Chapter 12 #3
I entered his office. It’d been a while since I’d visited, though not a lot had changed.
Given the sensitive nature of his work, his office was dedicated to comfort.
Warm colors, a plush couch, a seating area with four cushy chairs and a low table, and his corner desk.
His ma had helped him decorate the place.
“I was in the area,” I lied. “Just wanted to drop by and say the deal is done. I got the house.”
He smiled, and it looked genuine. “That’s great. Congratulations, Ash.”
Well, fuck you too.
“Thanks. So, uh, we should probably discuss our next step,” I said.
“Yeah, sure. I have an hour before my next patient.”
I nodded and took a seat in one of the chairs.
“Have you eaten lunch?” he asked.
I shook my head.
He set his container down on the table, then walked over to the fridge he had under his desk. He had a microwave there too, that I couldn’t remember seeing last time.
Soon enough, he had two pizza slices heating up for me.
“I have something I’d like to tell you as well,” he said, sitting down. “I’ve, um… I’ve met someone.”
My stare flashed to his, and I clenched my jaw to suppress the wildfire of jealousy and anger that erupted within me. Both emotions left a trail of lava that burned through me in the most painful way.
“I know,” I managed to bite out. Somewhat casually.
He knitted his brows and tilted his head. “How can you know? We’ve been on two dates.”
Now he was lying to me?
“I reactivate my account at Mclean from time to time,” I said. More and more lately, though, since I’d heard of the fire. No one had been harmed, but major renovations were underway. “You were listed as someone’s rigger, so I checked him out. He wrote in his profile that youse were datin’.”
He looked one part surprised and one part confused—until the latter settled.
“I… Christ. I didn’t know you looked there.
That whole…” He struggled with his words and seemed a little frustrated.
“That was an awkward misunderstanding. We entered a nonsexual dynamic in August, and I thought I’d been clear about not being ready for anything beyond that.
He… The message was evidently not received—but we discussed it once I saw his profile, and we can sort of laugh at it now. ”
I wasn’t laughing.
“So it’s someone new now?” I questioned.
“No, it’s still him,” he admitted. “We won’t be exclusive or anything, but I’ve…I’ve grown to care for him. I think.”
You think?
“Why won’t it be exclusive?”
He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “For starters, he’s poly. He’s also on the ace spectrum, so he—”
“What the fuck is an ace spectrum?” I’d never heard of that before.
Nate gave me a familiar look, the one telling me I was so behind on stuff sometimes. “It means he’s asexual. In Eli’s case—”
“Oh, the fucker has a name.” I started bouncing my knee as pressure rose inside me.
That earned me another look. “Yes, imagine that. His parents named him when he was born. Shocking.”
What-the-fuck-ever.
“Anyway,” he went on. And we both ignored the ding of the microwave. Consider my appetite gone. “Eli doesn’t feel sexual attraction at all. It’s purely emotional and mental.”
I nodded once and absently cracked my knuckles. “Great. So I don’t have to worry about you raw-dogging the guy, just possibly falling in love with him. Wonderful.”
“Ash, I—” A harsh breath gusted out of him, and now the frustration was clear as day. I didn’t give a fuck. “I’m trying here. We’re supposed to heal and move on. I want you to be happy too.”
I didn’t want him to be happy without me, and I didn’t care that it made me a raging douchebag. I wanted him to be as miserable as I was.
Fuck him so fucking hard. Every time we had a fight or something moved us closer toward divorce, he made me feel so goddamn exposed. Because I couldn’t hide what I felt.
Nate got up and plated the pizza for me, that I wasn’t gonna eat, before he returned and went back to eating his lunch.
I couldn’t eat. Unlike him, I wasn’t happy.
Unlike him, I didn’t have a third date lined up.
What kind of name was Eli anyway?
“I just wanted you to know so you didn’t get blindsided if you spoke to anyone at Mclean,” he said.
How kind of him.
For every bite of food he took, he pissed me off further. How could he be so casual and…
Never mind.
It was the happiness.
“How’s it going out there, by the way?” I had to change the topic. I’d think about him and his new relationship enough as it was. “After the fire, I mean.”
“It’s going well, I think,” he replied thoughtfully. “To be honest, I’m enjoying getting more involved.”
I knew he’d offered free counseling to anyone who wanted someone to talk to.
A lot of people had been in the house when the fire had started.
People I knew…and partners of theirs I hadn’t met yet because I’d turned into an antisocial shell of a man.
Boy, I sucked. River and Reese had met someone.
So had Lucas and Colt. Sweet li’l Cam had actually gotten together with Lucian and KC—and another boy, if I wasn’t mistaken.
Lucian, who’d once told me he could never date anyone under thirty.
Words spoken by Greer too, who had just reunited with a blast from his past. I didn’t have all the info on that dynamic, but I was fairly sure more people were involved.
I didn’t ask too many questions when I met up with Penelope and KC. Part of me felt like I didn’t deserve it, considering how I’d pulled away from everyone last winter. But that didn’t fucking mean I wanted Nate to swoop in and steal all my friends.
Maybe it was time I went on the offensive and stole them back. It wouldn’t kill me to reconnect a little.
“All right, let’s talk divorce,” I said, ready to get the hell out of here.
“My estimate is that I will need four or five months to get the house in order. I’ll finish what’s gonna be my bedroom first so that I don’t have to sleep in my office longer than necessary, and then I’ll alternate between working on the kids’ rooms and the kitchen. ”
He nodded once and set down his food container.
“In the meantime, I want to make some changes to our daily routine,” I went on.
“In short, no more dinners together at the house. Dylan and Hallie can decide for themselves—they’re old enough—but I wanna get started on a flexible every-other-week structure with Mikey and Lily.
As in when it’s my week, I will spend time with them out of the house.
I’ll take them to Little League and swimming lessons, we’ll go to the park, I’ll help Mikey with his homework at Theo and Claire’s house, and so on.
I’ll find things to do—with the goal being to get them used to not having me around the old house anymore. ”
Nate nodded slowly as he processed. “I’m with you so far, but Dylan and Hallie will need that structure too.
Even though they’re old enough, having the choice of where to spend their time might make them feel guilty.
We don’t want that on their shoulders—I mean, for them to worry if they’re splitting the time evenly or not. ”
Good point. We definitely didn’t want that. But I wasn’t done. “I was more thinking in the beginning before we can be at my place. Hallie and Dylan are usually busy with activities and friends after school anyway.”
“Okay, fair.”
“We can include them in the new structure once their rooms are finished,” I continued.
“They already know the truth, so it’ll be easier for them to get used to having two homes.
” Hallie might be the exception. She still believed Nate and I were going to find our way back to each other.
“And then I was thinking, maybe after the holidays, I can start bringing Mikey and Lily over to my house… What?”
He had a weird expression.
“Nothing, it’s just—how are you going to explain that to them? Or are we having the talk with them before you show them the house?”
I shifted in my seat, unsure on this matter.
“That’s part of why I wanted to talk to you.
One option is to show them the house and tell them I’m working on it—and that we’re moving in sometime in the future.
So they’ll get used to the idea and can get involved in choosing things for their bedrooms.”
He turned pensive. “They will assume we’re all moving in.”
“Yeah, so that’s where I’m on the fence,” I admitted.
“For them to be as comfortable as possible—and for us to prevent any major anxiety attacks—we need that transition to be slow, yeah? But in order to maintain the slow pace, we gotta omit a whole lotta truth. And I don’t know where we draw the line and shit becomes downright deceitful. ”
Together, we had been great at minimizing Mikey’s anxiety and panic, all while steadily expanding his comfort zone. We’d had all the patience in the world for him. But a divorce was literally going to split that zone into two, and the whole foundation would shake him up, regardless of what we did.
Lily had some issues too. She didn’t have much worry in her body, but she could freeze up and have her whole day ruined if she stumbled upon change.
The key with her was to provide warnings and share our schedule with her.
At four years old, she’d learned how to tell time, and she’d worn a watch ever since.
How did we warn her that a divorce was coming up?
Nate released a heavy breath and scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “I’ll have to think about it. I’m on the fence too. But nothing’s happening until after the holidays?”
“Right. Not with them potentially seeing the house anyway.”
“Okay. In that case, maybe we should talk to Lily’s doctor.”
Not a bad idea. I wished we could talk to Mikey’s old psychologist, but she had moved to California, and we hadn’t found a good replacement yet. It was on the ever-expanding to-do list.
“All right, I can make an appointment after work,” I replied. “Are we good on everything else that I said?”