Chapter 12 #4
He hesitated for a beat before he inclined his head. “With one exception. I still want us to get together as a family every now and then, to show them we’re a unit, but I can tell you need some space from me for a while.”
Let me guess. He didn’t feel that need because his feelings toward me had cooled off, so shit wasn’t as toxic anymore.
“I think that’s best,” I stated. “As long as we’re both ready to meet up at any point if Mikey or Lily wonders why we rarely see each other anymore.
” Lily might be oblivious, but Mikey had his moments.
A few months ago, he’d woken up from a bad dream, and I hadn’t been in bed with Daddy.
Nate had thankfully been quick to say I’d run out to get painkillers for a headache.
“Of course. It’s only a matter of time, I suppose.”
We’d see. Mundane everyday life had kept us safe so far.
Life as a parent was to be chauffeur and cook, two activities the kids were used to us doing separately.
But in the evenings, back when the world was a wonderful place, the kids had usually found Nate and me on the couch together, either with my arm around him or my head in his lap.
All traces of affection had been gone for almost a year.
Kids were such self-involved little shits.
“What about the holidays?” he asked. “I’ll admit, I don’t want to celebrate it without you.”
Oh, he could admit that?
“Your mom called already,” he added.
I nodded, knowing it was “their” Thanksgiving this year. “Thanksgiving with my folks, Christmas with yours.” Although, both our families came together for the latter. Even now, our folks spent time together.
They’d given us the business when we’d let them know we were separating. It’d been a good mix of “Surely you can go talk to someone?” and “Okay, but we’re family—that won’t change.”
“Stupidest thing I ever heard, son. Whatever the problem is, I’m sure you can work it out.”
“Oh no, I can’t believe it. We’re family!”
“This is going to take a while for me to process and accept, but you better get ready to spend the rest of your life together in some capacity, because we are not divorcing.”
“Speaking of,” I said, clearing my throat. “Ma told me their Christmas gift to us this year is them paying for the kids’ tuition next semester.”
Nate’s eyes bugged out a little. “What the fuck? Why would they do that? It’s an insane amount of money.”
“And they have it,” I pointed out. Then I shrugged. “They know we’re struggling.”
“Jesus,” he muttered. “I’m not comfortable with that.”
“Get comfortable,” I advised. “I have a fuck-ton of renovations, and so do you. We’re accepting the gift.”
I hated relying on others to get by, but this year had been extreme. I was gonna let the mama’s boy in me bask in the assistance.
“All right, fine…” He shifted in his seat again and glanced at his watch. “To circle back on your new house. Is it possible to see some pictures? I’m kinda curious.”
I pulled out my phone and went to my photo album. “I’ve mostly taken photos of cracks and dents I gotta take care of, but there should be a few of the exterior.”
I extended the phone to him, and he sat back with it.
His eyebrows hitched a fraction, and he flicked me a quick glance before returning his attention to the pictures.
Say you love it and want to move in.
Obviously, that wasn’t happening, but fuck my life, I needed him to want it.
“You bought a house that looks like the ones we saw in Provincetown,” he stated.
Yup and yup.
“The kind of house I said was my dream to live in,” he pressed.
“Huh…yeah, that rings a bell,” I bullshitted.
“I…” He swallowed and flipped through the pictures, then started shaking his head. “I don’t know what to say. You actually—I mean.” He blew out a breath, clenched his jaw, and returned the phone. “I can’t fucking believe you.”
Whoa, what?
“Wait, what’s happening right now?” I frowned, confused, and pocketed my phone. “If you’re getting so worked up, maybe you should get over yourself and move in—give us another try.”
He shook his head again. “Of all the damn houses, you had to pick the one I used as a backdrop to describe our future together on our two-year anniversary.”
Okay, so he wasn’t even addressing my suggestion.
“You’re not the only one who likes that house,” I replied defensively. Was he seriously pissy about the architectural style? Did he think I could pick and choose freely on Zillow? I was on a damn budget. I would’ve bought the house if it’d been ranch-style or English fucking cottage too.
At this point, he was shaking his head more than a bobblehead, and he was evidently done. He grabbed his food container and rose to his feet.
“I have to get back to work soon,” he said stiffly.
I knew what that meant. He was politely telling me to fuck off.
I was at a loss, but I was also too annoyed and tired to give a shit. He was overreacting.
“Whatever. I’m done here anyway.” I got up and headed straight for the door.
A few weeks later
Arlington
Nathan Riley
Why fucking bother? You know it won’t last.
I brushed my thumb over the screen again and reread Eli’s text.
Just thinking about you, Sir! Hope you’re having a great day. (I miss you.)
I felt like a fraud.
And he deserved better. He deserved someone who didn’t need to set reminders to text his so-called boyfriend.
I’d tried to get there—to commit, to spend time with him, to feel something…and I just didn’t. I had to end things before I caused actual damage. I’d already given him one too many promises I hadn’t been able to keep. About dates and when to meet up.
To think, I’d actually considered whisking him away on a vacation this winter.
I sighed and pocketed my phone, then looked back out of the patio door, where Ash was playing in the snow with Micah, Lily, and Dylan. Well, Dylan was having a blast filming the other three on his phone.
Ash had landed on his back after a fierce battle, and now Micah and Lily climbed aboard and shoved snow in his face.
I couldn’t help but smile.
He’d always been the best dad.
I was the boring one who removed the nail polish Lily thought looked great on me. In my defense, I couldn’t face grieving patients with sparkly pink nail polish.
Ash, though. He wore it until it peeled off.
He said it went great with all the colorful bracelets the kids had made for us over the years.
I wore the same one every day. One that they’d all added some beads to.
Best Father’s Day present.
I took a sip of my coffee, pondering if I should tell them the cocoa was ready, or if I should let them roughhouse a while longer.
They’d been out there for almost two hours while I’d finished setting up Christmas decorations in the living room.
Was this the last Christmas all stockings hung next to each other on the mantel?
More and more lately, I resented my own kinks. Because it wasn’t only about Ash these days. Even though I couldn’t get attached to anyone, I’d rediscovered how much I loved being a Dom. I wanted more of it someday. But that was also what would keep me away from the man I couldn’t unlove.
I stiffened and became mindful when I realized I wasn’t alone. Hallie came up next to me and peered out as well.
“Do you know how many kids in my class have parents who are divorced, Dad?”
I suppressed a sigh. “Quite a few.”
“Twelve classmates. And none of them have the experiences I have. Like, when they talk about how their moms and dads behave…?”
I swallowed.
She held up one of the decorations I’d left in the box, a fake mistletoe.
“Not this year,” I said. “Micah will find it weird if Dad and I don’t kiss.”
Ash had bought that thing years ago. He’d walked around with it at first, to collect smooches and hugs. Micah had been all over it.
Hallie slumped her shoulders and rested her head on my bicep. “Do you still love him, Daddy?”
Dammit.
I put an arm around her instead, and I kissed the top of her head. “I will always love your father, darling. And trust me, if there were a way for us to be together, we would. Our love was never a problem.”
“But blah-blah-blah, I’m too young to understand what’s wrong,” she mumbled.
I chuckled quietly and rubbed her arm.
“Did either of you cheat?” she whispered. “Jenna’s mom had an affair.”
“No—never,” I assured her. “Never in a million years.” I paused. “If that had happened, let me tell you, this whole thing would’ve been over already.”
“Okay.” She turned toward me and hugged my middle, and I gave her a tight squeeze back. “I want you to be together.”
“I know, baby.” I screwed my eyes shut and pressed my lips to her hair. “It’s my biggest hope and goal for us to be really good friends in the future, so we can still do the family stuff together. Dinners, holidays, vacations… All that.”
I just didn’t know if that was feasible.
The clock was ticking, and in a few months, Ash would move in to the house of my dreams, and we’d tell Micah and Lily the truth. It would be the last nail in the coffin. We’d sign divorce papers and try to pick up the pieces of what was left of us.
“I think we’re lost, Nate. The touristy stuff is the other way. This is all residential.”
I remembering shaking my head and looking up at that house. I’ll never forget the scenery. Middle of summer, lush trees in every front yard, little American flags on the porches, the smell of fresh-cut grass, blue skies, someone working a grill somewhere nearby…
That’s the one, I thought back then.
I pointed to it and turned to you.
“We’re gonna raise our kids in a house like this one,” I said to you.
And you looked at the house too, then at me, and you smiled.
“Yeah?”
I nodded. Yeah. That was all I wanted.