Chapter 12
12
Beth
There was something about Frankie which, up until now, Beth hadn’t been able to put her finger on. This was the third morning they had had coffee together and in between times Beth retained an image of Frankie in her head which, on meeting again, was nothing like she’d pictured at all. But today, she realised why. It was because Frankie had one of those curious faces which looked so ordinary most of the time – not plain, just nothing in particular to distinguish it – until the moment she smiled. And when she did, her eyes, normally mid-brown, turned to gold and her whole face lifted, lit up as if she had her own personal sunbeam to stand beneath. She kept her smile hidden most of the time, like a secret gift she rarely bestowed, but when she did…
‘This is kind of weird, isn’t it?’ said Beth as she placed two cups of coffee on the table, pushing one towards Frankie.
Frankie looked around her, a blank expression on her face.
‘Sorry, I don’t mean this place,’ explained Beth. The coffee shop they were sitting in opened earlier than most to cater for the on-their-way-to-work crowd, but other than that, was the same as coffee shops everywhere – warm, fragrant and anonymous. ‘Just that if we were normal people, working normal hours, having coffee like we are would be the equivalent of meeting up at ten o’clock at night.’
A momentary frown crossed Frankie’s face, but then it brightened again. ‘Oh yes, I see what you mean – right before bedtime…’ She scooped up some froth from her coffee with one finger and popped it in her mouth. ‘Normal people, whatever they are…Working the night shift is like living on another planet – but maybe I’m strange, I really like it.’ She looked up at Beth, a question hovering in her eyes.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it,’ replied Beth. ‘It’s just something I do. You’re on your own at the bakery though, aren’t you? Whereas I’m still surrounded by people. The hospital never really sleeps and, even though it is a little different from the day shift, I never get the sense that it’s night-time outside, not until I finish my shift and am on my way home. Then it can feel as if I’m the only person alive in the world. Can’t say I particularly enjoy that feeling though, not like you.’ She took a sip of coffee, looking at Frankie over the rim of her mug. ‘I saw you the night Jack fell out of bed,’ she supplied. ‘You were dancing as if you hadn’t a care in the world. And there was this expression on your face, kind of soft. Like you were in the arms of your lover.’ She grinned. ‘Maybe you were.’
‘Huh… in my dreams.’
‘You looked lovely. It made me wonder what it would be like to feel so peaceful.’
Frankie wrinkled her nose. ‘I love the middle of the night. I find it…calming. It probably sounds stupid, but I can be who I want to be then. In the daytime, there’s so much…I don’t know what the right word is, really…expectation? Does that make sense?’
‘From other people, you mean?’
‘Something like that.’ She fiddled with the biscuit that came with her coffee. Then she picked it up and bit it in half, chewing slowly. ‘It’s like I don’t know who I am during the day. I feel pressured to be a certain way. Too many years of doing things simply to conform, I think. So now…now that I’m awake during the night, I find it easier to be the person I think I am, rather than the one I always pretended to be.’ She shook her head. ‘Sorry, I’m talking rubbish.’
But Beth recognised the look on her face. ‘No,’ she said, reaching forward with her hand. ‘No, you’re not. I think we often pretend to be something we’re not. I do it all the time.’ She studied Frankie’s expression. It was as if no one had ever said that to her before. ‘I pretend I’ve had enough sleep when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I pretend I’m fine when people talk to Jack as if he’s a five-year-old, when really, I want to throttle them. But most of all I pretend I’m the most patient person who ever lived, when really my body is boiling with everything I don’t say and everything I hold back.’ She stared at Frankie, suddenly shy, and not at all sure where that had come from. ‘I’d love to be the person I pretend to be, but I’m not, not really. I don’t think I do a very good job at all. I don’t mean at work,’ she corrected. ‘But at home, where it really matters.’
‘But does Jack expect you to be that perfect person?’
Beth stared out of the window, eyes unfocused. She wasn’t looking outward, she was looking inward, at the boxes where she hid her thoughts day after day after day. ‘No, I don’t think he does,’ she replied. ‘But I feel like I have to be, because if I wasn’t, I don’t know how he’d make it through the day. He feels guilty enough about the accident, about changing our lives and the burden he places on me. So, however hard things are, I try to keep it hidden. I try to give him the perfect version of me.’ She shook her head. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to offload on you like that.’
‘You weren’t offloading, and even if you were, it would be okay.’ Frankie tipped her head to one side. ‘It’s clear you don’t think he’s a burden.’
‘I don’t. I love him,’ replied Beth simply. ‘And I don’t care how he is now, he’s still the man I married all those years ago. We have no children, so it’s just him and me, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Our life is hard, at times very hard, but no, he’s not a burden. The difficulty is that if I didn’t pretend, getting him to believe that would be nigh on impossible. His guilty feelings would skyrocket and I’m scared of what that could do to us.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘Trouble is, pretend too often and you forget who you really are.’
Frankie dabbed a finger against a crumb of biscuit. ‘I used to think my life was complicated, but compared to yours…’ Her eyes were warm on Beth’s. ‘You must be very good at juggling things.’
Beth pulled a face. ‘I think I’m good at throwing things up in the air and praying they don’t come down again,’ she said. ‘Or at least not all at once, and I don’t think that’s quite the same thing. There’s so little room in our lives for anything which throws a spanner in the works – you saw what happened the night Jack fell out of bed. All it takes is one small thing and…’ She made a gesture with her hands as if a bomb was exploding.
‘So, you work the night shift because it’s practical, is that it?’
‘Hmm…and that’s the only reason. It’s a simple equation. Jack obviously needs more help during the day than he does at night when he’s asleep, so I needed to figure out how I could look after Jack, work full-time and still find a few hours to sleep myself. The answer I came up with was the night shift. It doesn’t really allow me to do any of those things properly, but that’s just the way it is at the moment.’
‘And you can’t get anyone else to look after Jack?’ asked Frankie, checking herself almost immediately. ‘I’m sorry, that was a ridiculous thing to say.’
‘It wasn’t,’ replied Beth, smiling warmly. ‘It was a valid question, but the truth is that we simply can’t afford it. Jack would probably prefer it if I wasn’t nagging him all day, but unless we can find a way to bring in more money, we’re stuck as we are. And with everything going on at the hospital, my salary is more likely to go down rather than up.’
‘How’s that work then?’ Frankie queried.
‘The usual. The hospital needs to save money and because the wages bill is one of the biggest areas of expense, it’s the one which gets tinkered with the most. We’re going through another round of redundancies at the moment and I’m having to reapply for my job. If I’m lucky enough to hold onto it, I’ll end up with a contract which effectively means I’ll be doing more work for less money.’
‘But that isn’t right…’
‘Nope.’ Beth raised her eyebrows. It was a conversation she’d had countless times before.
Frankie took a deep breath as if to speak and then let it out slowly. She could obviously see there was no point in pursuing the rights and wrongs of the situation. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said instead. ‘That’s rubbish.’ She looked around her a moment. ‘Listen, say if you need to get home but…would you like some breakfast?’ She nodded towards a table on their left who had just been served. ‘That’s making my mouth water and the prices look pretty reasonable.’
Beth checked her watch. ‘You know, that’s not a bad idea…are you sure you’re okay staying?’
‘I am if you are.’
‘Breakfast it is then.’
Frankie got to her feet. ‘What would you like? And I’ll get them because it was my idea, so no arguing. You can pay next time.’
Frankie’s tone left no room for discussion, but it was obvious this was just as big a deal for her as it was for Beth. ‘Then, thank you. Could I have a bacon and egg sandwich? They’re a bit of a weakness of mine.’
‘Coming right up,’ said Frankie, smiling.
Beth smiled back, remembering a conversation she’d had with Jack the week before. As soon as she’d mentioned the possibility of meeting Frankie again, he’d been adamant that she should, adding the rider that she could stay for as long as she wanted, he’d be quite happy lazing in bed until she got home. If she hadn’t known better, she might have thought he was trying to get rid of her, but she also knew that he knew she would never go unless she had his blessing. So here she was…with Frankie already assuming they would be meeting again. She rather liked the thought of that.
Her sandwich, when it arrived, was pretty much hanging off the edge of her plate it was so big. But God, it looked good…She glanced down at her lap, at her jeans which were stretched tight across thighs far too big for them really, her stomach rolling over the waistband. ‘I shouldn’t be eating this,’ she said. ‘Every day I tell myself I’ll be good.’
Frankie’s eyes narrowed as she looked down at her own plate. ‘Do you want to be good?’
‘Not particularly, no.’ Beth pulled a face. ‘That’s not strictly true. I’m a nurse, I’m conditioned to worry about my health. But some days I just want all the cake.’
Frankie had a rather amused expression on her face. ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she said. ‘But trust me, the grass isn’t always greener…’
‘Maybe not, but you’re so lovely and slim…’ Frankie had the kind of body Beth had always envied – pretty much straight up and down, but for someone like Beth, with far too many curves in all the wrong places, Frankie looked perfect. ‘If I worked in a bakery, I’d be the size of a house. How do you manage to avoid so much temptation?’
‘Would now be a good time to confess that I’ve put on nearly a stone since I started working there?’
‘A stone? Blimey, what were you like before?’ Beth slapped a hand over her mouth, blushing furiously. ‘Sorry, that came out so wrong. But you look gorgeous on it in any case. I’ve always struggled with my weight.’
Frankie shrugged. ‘My husband liked slim women. Ex-husband, that is. But don’t do yourself down – I think you look lovely. And you should absolutely eat your breakfast without feeling guilt of any kind.’ She smiled warmly before picking up her sandwich, and Beth had the sudden feeling that Frankie’s ex was not a topic she wanted to discuss.
‘We’re never satisfied with how we look, are we?’ she said. ‘We’re always comparing ourselves to other people. Is that a woman thing, do you think?’ She pulled out a piece of stray bacon and popped it in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully.
‘I don’t know about that,’ answered Frankie. ‘But what I do know is that since I’ve been on my own I’ve realised how nice it is to make my own decisions, how free I feel not having to pass every suggestion through someone else’s filter.’ She gave a slight smirk. ‘Although that might be an age thing as well. Since I hit my fifties, I’ve definitely developed a rebellious streak. I’ve spent such a large part of my life feeling that kind of crippling self-consciousness which hits when you’re a teenager – feeling like you have to be a certain way and look a certain way – these days I’m trying really hard not to give a damn about what other people think. I don’t always succeed – those kinds of chains are not easily thrown off – but I’m beginning to feel better about myself.’ Frankie swiped a finger across her plate where egg had oozed from her sandwich. ‘Blimey, listen to me. Rant over.’
Beth waved away her remark. ‘No, carry on.’
She watched surreptitiously as Frankie munched her way through her breakfast. Her grey hair was tied up in a loose ponytail, the ends curling softly on her shoulders. Her skin glowed with health and her soft brown eyes were warm and calm. She looked peaceful and, despite her words, more at peace with herself than most people Beth knew, including herself. She had always believed that people came into her life for a reason, so meeting Frankie now, in the way she had…She took a bite from her own sandwich, sighing with pleasure.
‘These are good, aren’t they?’
Frankie didn’t reply, just grinned through a mouthful of food. ‘I didn’t realise how hungry I was,’ she replied after a moment. ‘I lost my lunch, so I haven’t had a great deal to eat.’
‘You lost your lunch? How did you manage that?’
Frankie wiped a smear of sauce from her lips. ‘I had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting some drunken louts during the night – they were in the alley outside the bakery – and one of them thought it would be fun to try and steal my sandwich. Funnily enough, I didn’t fancy it after I’d picked the remains up off the floor.’
Beth hurriedly chewed. ‘Are you okay? I’d have been terrified.’
‘I’m okay now. At the time I was terrified. And bloody angry that they’d invaded my space. It felt horribly personal. I don’t usually go outside when I’m working but hot flush, you know…I needed some air, it was boiling in the bakery.’
‘I don’t think I’d like being on my own at night.’
Frankie shook her head. ‘It’s normally really quiet. Occasionally there’s a bit of noise when Vipers turns out, but folks are usually headed in the other direction. I’ve never had any bother before. Just unlucky, I guess.’ She took a sip of her coffee. ‘A bouncer from the club came to my rescue and saw them off for me.’
‘I think I’d be just as scared of him.’
‘Yeah, this guy was huge…’ Frankie motioned above her head with her hands. ‘About a foot and a half taller than me, and built like the proverbial…well, he was big anyway, but thankfully not that scary at all. He was a bit older than me, I think, and he had grey hair like mine which somehow made him feel less threatening.’
But Beth wasn’t convinced. ‘Are you sure that’s where he was from? He could be just saying that.’
‘True. But I think he was legit. He was very polite, in any case.’
‘A knight in shining armour then?’
‘Maybe, if there is such a thing. I used to believe in them once upon a time, but—’ She broke off suddenly, her attention caught by something in the street outside.
Beth followed her line of vision, seeing the colour drain from Frankie’s face, but nothing which might have caused it. She reached out a tentative hand to touch her sleeve.
‘Is everything okay?’ she asked.
Frankie jumped, her knee bumping against the table leg. She stared at Beth, clearly realising she was supposed to be saying something, but having no idea what. Distracted, she looked down, studying her plate before moving it fractionally. She did the same with her mug, and the little bowl of ketchup, lining them up against the checked tablecloth.
‘We were talking about knights in shining armour,’ prompted Beth gently. Frankie’s sudden change of mood was concerning. Despite what she’d said, it was obvious that her encounter in the night had rattled her more than she let on.
Finally, Frankie smiled. ‘Yeah…no such thing.’ She glanced briefly out of the window again before turning her attention back to Beth. ‘So, what have you got lined up later today, anything fun?’
‘We’ll probably go for a walk if it isn’t raining, and then I’ll pretend I’m having a sleep when really I’ll be writing out that job application I was telling you about. Hopefully it will all just be a matter of course and things will carry on as they always have without Jack being any the wiser.’
Frankie looked up sharply. ‘Haven’t you told him then?’
‘God no, can you imagine how he’d feel if he found out?’