Chapter 16
16
Frankie
Frankie wasn’t due to meet Beth for another fifteen minutes, but the coffee shop door was the closest one to her and she yanked it open, ducking inside and heading towards the rear. She had been on her way to the greengrocer’s, but all thoughts of dinner went out of her mind in an instant. The only thing which mattered was getting off the street.
At that time of the morning the place was quiet, and she had her choice of the tables. She hurried to the furthest and sat down, counting to ten, eyes closed as if that alone could hide her from the world. Not even the world, just the one person who mattered. She was pretty sure he hadn’t seen her, but he was looking, he must have been – why else would he be here?
She prayed that the door behind her remained closed and it was several more minutes before she could rouse herself from the table to check the street outside. She thought she’d caught a glimpse of him the last time she was here with Beth, but she’d convinced herself it was just her head playing tricks on her. It was a game her imagination had played far too often in the past. She thought she was settled, thought those times were over, so why was she seeing him now? There was only one real answer – because this time he was actually here.
She pulled out her phone to check the time and, with one final search of the street, returned to her original seat, her heart still pounding. She’d been so careful, so how did he know where to find her? Only her sister knew where she was and they barely spoke; he would never think to ask her.
Frankie’s head was still full of panicked thoughts when Beth tapped her on the shoulder a few minutes later. She nearly jumped out of her skin.
Beth laughed. ‘Sorry…! I almost didn’t see you right at the back,’ she said, sitting down and plonking her bag on the floor.
‘I think there must have been some kind of a breakfast meeting here this morning,’ Frankie replied. ‘So, I just parked myself here. Thankfully they’ve gone now. There was quite a gaggle of them.’
If Beth noticed the array of scrupulously clean tables, none of which looked as if they’d been recently occupied, it didn’t show. ‘Sorry, I got a bit held up. Have you been here long?’
‘No, few minutes, that’s all.’ Frankie narrowed her eyes a little, finally taking in Beth’s weary face. She got up to lean across the table and give her friend a hug. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Fine.’ Beth smiled brightly. ‘Just a long shift, that’s all. God, I need a coffee…Are we having breakfast too? Please say yes.’
Frankie laughed. ‘They are rather good here.’
Beth bent down to rifle through her bag. ‘What would you like? My shout.’
‘Then the usual please, that would be great.’ How easily the word ‘usual’ slipped off her tongue. How easily she had taken for granted that her time here could continue for as long as she wanted. She had made plans, small ones admittedly, but hopeful ones. And she had made a friend. The weight of change bowed Frankie’s head and she wasn’t sure she could bear to move all over again.
She looked over to where Beth was standing at the counter, at the person next to her, at the couple sat in a window seat, and the young mum cradling a child on her lap, fast asleep, without a care in the world. So much ordinary life going on around her every day, and yet it was impossible to tell what secrets those lives might be hiding, what turmoil was being faced, what heartache…She checked herself. Or what happiness, what joy…The only thing she was sure about was that it could all change in a heartbeat.
‘Food won’t be long,’ said Beth, sitting down again. ‘Is it me, or is it boiling in here?’ She shrugged off her coat and hung it over the back of her chair. ‘I’m forty-nine, for goodness’ sake, I’m not ready for hot flushes yet.’
‘Don’t you believe it,’ replied Frankie, rolling her eyes. ‘Mine hit when I was younger than you.’ The menopause had been yet another reason for Frankie to think she was going mad. If she couldn’t trust her own body, what could she trust? Certainly not the thoughts in her head.
‘Great, thanks for that,’ said Beth, pulling a face.
Frankie smiled. ‘If it’s any consolation, mine wasn’t half as bad as I’d been led to believe it would be. Anyway, enough about the disintegration of our youth. What’s happened about your job? Have you heard anything yet?’
Beth shook her head. ‘Rumour, that’s all, nothing definite. My immediate boss reckons I’ve got nothing to worry about. She said my record would speak for itself.’
But despite her words, Beth didn’t look at all happy.
‘So that’s good news then…isn’t it?’
‘Yes, I suppose…’ Beth tucked her hair behind her ears, before massaging her neck. ‘No, it is good news. It’s just that I seem to be constantly on the back foot at the moment. It goes like that sometimes. We can have weeks where everything runs smoothly, and then others where calamity seems to lurk around every corner.’
‘Jack-based calamity?’
Beth gave a tight smile. ‘He had an off day at the end of last week, nothing specific, feeling tired more than anything. But by the time I was due to leave for work, he had a raging temperature and a thumping head. Course, he did what he always does, which is to tell me he’d be fine and that there was no reason for me not to go to work, but although I put up a token fight, that’s all it was. I can’t afford any time off at the moment. Or any more occasions like the one when Jack fell out of bed. Lisa covered for me then, and I got away with it, but I might not have. And it only takes one or two black marks on my copybook and that’s me gone.’
‘But the management team must have families too. Don’t they understand that problems crop up from time to time?’
‘On a personal level they probably do. But they’re not paid to be personal. Some of them hide it better than others, but they’re looking out for their own jobs just as much as I am, so…’
‘When did we all become so scared?’ asked Frankie, scowling. ‘ How did we all become so scared?’ she asked, shaking her head. ‘It’s not right, is it? Sometimes I get so…so… furious about the state of the country. We’re all invisible. Especially if we don’t fit inside the neat little boxes we’re supposed to. But we all matter, everyone …It shouldn’t be this way, we shouldn’t have to fight just to live a life, a life we’re all entitled to.’ She rolled her eyes at her outburst. ‘Sorry, was Jack okay?’
Beth nodded. ‘But, typically, I was panicking like crazy, again , because I had a problem with the car and couldn’t get straight home. As it turned out there was nothing to worry about – Jack was right as rain – but I didn’t know that at the time. The guy from the car park gave me a lift home in the end.’
‘He did what?’ asked Frankie. ‘And which guy? The one who sleeps in his car?’
‘Yeah. Tam, his name is. I’d got a flat tyre and, after quite a bit of shouting and swearing on my part, he came over to help. I’m not surprised he woke up, I must have sounded like a drunken sailor.’
Frankie leaned forward. ‘So, what happened?’
‘Well, after he’d accused me of being judgemental about him sleeping in his car, he offered to change the tyre for me.’
‘Sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder.’
‘I guess…but I can’t say I blame him. I expect he gets treated like dirt most of the time.’
Frankie raised her eyebrows. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘That was rude. I just have a problem with men who throw their weight around.’
‘He didn’t though. Not at all, now I come to think about it. He even apologised for offering because he didn’t want to imply that I was incapable.’
‘See?’ Frankie shrugged, smiling. ‘Don’t listen to me.’
‘Maybe…’ Beth smiled back. ‘But I didn’t exactly behave well myself. After I’d told him I wasn’t in the slightest bit judgemental of his residential status, I then pretty much accused him of wanting to attack me simply on the basis of his being a man. In fact, he probably thought I was completely vile. I don’t really remember what I said, I was too busy being stressed.’
‘So, if he changed the tyre, how come he ended up giving you a lift home?’
‘Because he didn’t. The spare was flat too.’
‘Ah…’
Beth nodded. ‘I know, nice one. So, after I’d panicked some more about not being able to call the garage because it was too early, and not having the time to get a taxi because I’d have to walk to the station, or get any of my friends to give me a lift because they all work at the hospital, he offered to drive me home.’
‘So, what was he like then?’ asked Frankie.
‘Really lovely.’ Beth sighed. ‘He even insisted on speaking to Jack before we left so he could introduce himself – he works in a local care home – and reassure him there was nothing untoward going on. Jack invited him in for a cup of coffee and they seemed to get on like a house on fire, bonding over their love of the countryside…’ She trailed off, gaze dropping to the table. ‘I’m such a bitch.’
Frankie stared at her, horrified to see tears welling at the corners of her eyes. ‘What on earth makes you say that?’
‘Because I made it sound as if I didn’t want him there. I shut him down when he was speaking and then, as he was leaving, I warned him off encouraging Jack with his dreams about the farm. Said I didn’t want him upset. I could see Tam didn’t agree with me, and he told me not to worry, told me in all likelihood I’d never see him again. Then he said he’d probably be moving on from the car park anyway, just to make sure.’
Frankie didn’t know what to say.
‘And I only said what I did because I was embarrassed about the fact that I’d cut short their conversation earlier. I wanted to explain why but ended up looking like a prize cow.’ She shook her head. ‘I am a prize cow. There was absolutely no reason to behave the way I did.’
‘Maybe you were just looking out for Jack,’ said Frankie gently. ‘Like you always do.’
Beth nodded, but then shook her head several times, no longer able to hold back the tears which began to spill down her cheeks.
‘We had a terrible row after he left.’
Now Frankie was beginning to understand.
‘It was worse than we’ve ever had. In fact, we never argue. Maybe that’s part of the problem…’
‘That doesn’t sound like a problem to me.’
‘I don’t think we’re very good at talking to one another. Even after the accident we never really…’ She trailed off. ‘Emotions were running so high. Jack was in a lot of pain, and he was right, I just took over – organised him, and us, to within an inch of our lives and then simply carried on. It’s been that way ever since.’
Frankie hated to see her friend so upset. ‘I think…no, I’m pretty certain that would have been the only way for you to deal with things. Of coping with an event that was, literally, life-changing. Don’t ever feel bad about doing what you needed to get you through the day. You’re a nurse, Beth, you did what you do best. You cared.’
‘I smothered.’
Frankie took hold of her hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘I doubt that. So don’t berate yourself for what you’ve done. I can’t begin to imagine what it must have been like for Jack, but it was equally as bad for you. I’m not the best person to give relationship advice, but you’re a strong woman, Beth. You rose to the challenge that life threw at you, and you live that challenge day in, day out. That takes a lot of guts and energy, let alone the sacrifices you have to make. I think we women should stop putting ourselves down. I think we’re pretty damn amazing.’
She said it with such force that Beth stopped in her tracks, sniffing. ‘So, what do you do to put yourself down?’
‘Oh, plenty, believe me.’
‘Such as?’
But Frankie just smiled. ‘Another time, maybe.’
She sat back as the waitress appeared with two plates, waiting until she had placed them on the table and moved away before resuming the conversation.
‘So, how’s it been the last few days?’ she asked gently.
‘Awful…’ Beth picked up her bap and stared at it. ‘I’ve eaten so much chocolate since then, and now I’ve got a humongous spot on the end of my chin…’ She swallowed. ‘Jack’s barely speaking to me.’
Frankie really wasn’t the best person to give relationship advice, but her heart went out to Beth. ‘That must feel awful when the two of you are so close. I’m really sorry, Beth. But you know, not long after we first met, you said you felt as if you were pretending to be perfect the whole time. Perhaps this was a conversation you really needed to have, even if it was an acrimonious one. It’s given you both an opportunity to get things off your chest, and it’s important to say how you feel. The longer you don’t, the more danger you’re in of believing the things you tell yourself. We delude ourselves all the time, about little things mostly, but sometimes it’s the big things, and it becomes a habit before we even realise.’
‘I keep telling myself that.’ Beth wiped her chin. ‘And I know it’s good to be honest with one another, but I said some awful things, Frankie. I didn’t mean them, not really, it was just the heat of the moment, but?—’
‘Not really?’ Frankie gave her a sympathetic smile. ‘Don’t dismiss what you said, even if the words you used were ones which, with hindsight, you wouldn’t have chosen. From what you’ve told me I think the essence of what you said probably was true.’
Beth nodded, closing her eyes silently for a moment. ‘It was…’ she admitted. ‘But now I’m not sure Jack will ever forgive me.’
‘Have you asked him to?’
Beth looked surprised. ‘Not as such, but I did say I was sorry.’
‘I asked, because I’m pretty sure Jack will have said plenty too. And like you, they were probably things which didn’t sound great when said out loud, but which, exactly like you, were things he’s had on his mind as well. Things he didn’t want to admit to. I don’t think it was wrong to say them and now you have a choice, surely? You can say sorry, and gloss over it, and in time get back to how things were, or you can ask each other’s forgiveness for the way you’ve both dealt with things, and set to work putting it right.’
‘So, this is a good thing?’ asked Beth with a weak smile. ‘Even though it feels as if the world is ending?’
‘Even though…’ Frankie agreed.
Beth shook her head. ‘I’m such an idiot,’ she said. ‘But I’m very glad I met you.’ She squeezed Frankie’s hand back. ‘Thank you…’ She sniffed. ‘You will let me know if I can help you any time, won’t you?’
‘You already have.’ Frankie grinned. ‘Apart from anything else, you have introduced me to what are arguably the best bacon and egg baps this town has to offer.’
Beth stared at her breakfast, raising it as if to salute Frankie, and took a huge bite. ‘And amen to that,’ she mumbled through a mouthful. At least that’s what Frankie thought she said.
By the time the two of them parted, Beth seemed happier, or at least had begun to see light at the end of the dark tunnel she was in. Frankie, on the other hand, already anxious, was now a tight bundle of nerves, and desperate to get home. But there was one thing she needed to check first. Forewarned was forearmed.
Scanning the street both ahead and behind, she hurried to the bakery. Fortunately, there was only one other person there aside from Melanie: a woman in a dark red coat. Frankie waited a moment for the customer to be served, her anxiety soon turning to impatience.
She stepped forward. ‘Mel, sorry to interrupt, but has anyone been in asking for me this morning?’
Melanie smiled at the customer and handed over her change. ‘No, should they have?’
‘Not really, just…’ She didn’t want to explain anything to Melanie, but she had to be sure. ‘Would you do me a favour? And if anyone does come in, could you tell them you’ve never heard of me?’
Melanie’s eyes widened. ‘Well, I can, but…’
‘It’s a long story, but it’ll be my brother,’ Frankie lied. She didn’t even have a brother. ‘He’s got himself in trouble again, and I kept quiet about my job here otherwise he’d only start hassling me for money. Anyway, I heard he’s back in town, so if he does appear…’
Melanie nodded. ‘Families, who’d have them, eh?’ She turned to rearrange the bread on the shelves behind her. ‘I wanted to ask you something, actually. Have you heard anything from Vivienne? I wondered if you knew when she was coming back.’
‘I had a message at the beginning of the week to say she was still feeling poorly, but that was all. Whatever it is seems to have really knocked her out.’
‘Hmm…’
Something about Mel’s tone caught Frankie’s attention. ‘Have you spoken to her?’
‘No, but I’ve left umpteen messages on her answerphone, and she hasn’t replied to any of them. I can’t keep doing these hours forever, I’ve got other stuff to take care of, and it’s been a while now. What if she’s really ill?’
‘She’s probably just got the flu or something, I’m sure she’ll be in touch.’ Frankie was ashamed to say she hadn’t given her boss much thought, but Mel was right – what if Vivienne was really poorly? The longer she was away from work, the longer Frankie would need to open up the bakery of a morning and serve in the shop, in full view of anyone passing by. There was a reason she liked the quiet and privacy of the night shift. ‘Tell you what, I’ll make her a cake and pop it round,’ she said. ‘See if everything’s okay.’ She glanced back towards the street as another customer came in. He might not have been asking for her at the bakery yet, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know she was there. And, if he’d tracked down where she worked, he would sure as hell have found out where she lived…‘Anyway, I’ve got to run, but let’s keep each other posted, okay?’
She was in such a rush to get to the safety of her flat that she pushed open the bakery door just as someone pulled it from the other side, practically catapulting herself through the doorway. She had the impression of height and dark woollen clothing before she could gather herself sufficiently to apologise.
‘Someone’s in a rush. I’ve just come to see you and now here you are.’
Frankie looked up, startled. She hadn’t been expecting that at all.
‘Vivienne?’