Chapter 15
15
Beth
‘He seemed like a nice chap,’ said Beth, returning to the kitchen. Jack was still sitting at the table, mug in hand. He had that look on his face, the one where he was lost in his dreams, far away from the day’s reality. ‘I was lucky he was around.’
‘And not an axe murderer.’
She slid him a look. ‘Don’t…I all but called him that.’
Jack winced. ‘Point taken. Hopefully there won’t be a next time, but if there is, call a taxi, just in case. I worry about you.’
‘You’re lucky if you can find one. Besides, we don’t have the money for the rates they charge. They fleece you when they find out you don’t live in town.’
‘But in an emergency, Beth. It’s not as if you jump into one every five minutes, and I’d rather have you safe.’
Beth rubbed the back of her neck. She had the beginnings of a headache and that was where they always started. Too much tension just at the wrong end of her day. She needed to change the subject.
‘I was worried about you . I’m glad that whatever was ailing you last night seems to have fizzled out. Maybe you were just more tired than usual.’
Jack nodded, picking up the newspaper from the table and glancing at it idly.
‘What was the problem with the spare anyway?’
‘I dunno. It was flat as well, we did look.’ It wasn’t an outright lie. She picked up her mug and carried it to the sink, pouring away the remains of her coffee. ‘I’ll never sleep if I drink this.’ Her thoughts were already racing ahead to all the things there were still left to do. Jack might be out of bed, but he was far from ready for the day. Plus, there was washing to put on the line, another load to go in the machine and now the car to sort out as well.
‘I can shower later if you want to get your head down,’ said Jack, as if reading her mind. She could feel his eyes on her, assessing what he saw. ‘You look tired,’ he added. ‘Bad shift?’
Beth shrugged. ‘The usual. I think I’m just hormonal.’ She attempted a smile. ‘Well, more hormonal than usual.’ She was making light of things, but it hadn’t been a particularly easy shift – too much chatter about the redundancies which inevitably pulled everyone down. Beth was just as worried as any of her colleagues, but there were always one or two who did nothing but moan and she tried to avoid them as much as she could. No one could change the situation, but you could change the way you coped with it. The bottomless pit of doom, Lisa called it, and Beth agreed with her – it was far too easy to get dragged in.
‘Actually,’ she said, ‘if you don’t mind showering later, I might turn in. I’ll just give the garage a call and get Clive to sort the tyre for us.’
‘I can do that,’ replied Jack. ‘You get off to bed.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘Shall I wake you at two? Bit later than usual?’
She grinned. ‘With a coffee?’
‘Always.’
She was halfway across the room when he spoke again.
‘Beth…?’
She turned at the change of tone in his voice.
‘Was the spare tyre still the same one from the last time you had a flat? Because that was over a year ago.’
‘Yeah, I know.’ Beth decided to brazen it out. ‘I kept meaning to get it done, and like the stupid idiot I am, it slipped my mind. I won’t do that again.’
‘I just worry about you…’ replied Jack, studying her face. ‘You were lucky today that Tam was around to help.’
‘I know,’ she said lightly. ‘But we’ll get it sorted.’ She smiled and came forward to kiss him. ‘Thanks for doing that. And could you ask Clive if he’ll invoice us, rather than pay upfront? I’ll settle it when I get paid.’
This time she was almost at the door when she heard Jack sigh. A loud, very audible sigh that was designed to get her attention.
‘Why do I get the feeling there’s something you’re not telling me…?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Beth, turning back around. ‘Why do you get the feeling there’s something I’m not telling you?’ She grinned at her teasing of him, just to show it was well meant. But then she sobered. ‘I’m not, you know, it’s just the same old crap. An unexpected bill we really can’t afford, so we’ll jiggle a bit, like we always do.’
But Beth’s attempts at deflection weren’t going to work. Not today.
‘Don’t do that,’ said Jack. ‘Pretend it isn’t important. It isn’t funny and it isn’t the truth either. I know what we have in the bank, and there’s enough to cover a new tyre, for goodness’ sake. There’s also enough for the odd taxi. I’m also damn sure your not replacing the spare was deliberate because you’re a very organised person, Beth, you don’t forget stuff like that.’ His eyes narrowed. ‘You took a calculated risk hoping it wouldn’t backfire, except that today it did, didn’t it? I could have waited the extra half hour it would have taken you to walk to the station and get a taxi.’
‘I was worried about you.’
‘When a simple phone call would have established you didn’t need to be. So, what’s really going on here, Beth? I know we don’t have much to spare, but we’re doing okay.’
The pain in Beth’s neck had now moved to settle over one eye. And she knew from experience it was a headache she wouldn’t be able to outrun.
‘I might not have a job next month,’ she replied, hunching her shoulders up to her ears. She released them, stretching out the muscles as best she could. The pain was about to get a whole lot worse. ‘But chances are I will, and if I worried myself to death every time the hospital went through another round of redundancies, I’d be…well, I’d be dead.’ She rolled her eyes at him. ‘I refuse to do it, Jack. It’s a hard enough job without living your life wound up like a coiled spring. Lisa’s told me it’s very unlikely I’ll be one of the ones to go, and I trust her. She’s in with senior management and she will get to have her say. So, let’s just see what happens, shall we? I’ll worry about the sky falling in when it lands on my head.’
‘See, you’re doing it again. Making light of things. Even the language you use is designed to sound ridiculous so it’s easier for you to pretend it doesn’t matter, or that it’s never going to happen.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘And what’s worse is that you do it to hide stuff from me, thinking I won’t see through your sleight of hand.’
Beth’s mouth dropped open. ‘I do not.’
‘You do. You hide things from me all the time. And don’t look at me like that…as if you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think I won’t cope, so you never reveal anything that might provoke an emotion. God forbid. Just keep Jack on an even keel. Well, let me explain something to you – real life carries on just the same whether you can use your legs or not. There’s good…there’s stuff which rumbles along the middle…and then there’s stuff which has the potential to be monumentally shit and, at the very least, deserves an emotional response. This is one of those times, Beth. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking that my brain is as useless as the rest of my body. I can think perfectly well.’
‘Okay, well how about you then?’ Beth retorted, hurt by the unfairness of his remark. ‘You do exactly the same. Except you pretend you don’t. You make out you’re fine with things when you’re not. I can see your jaw clench, Jack. I can hear the slight change of pitch in your voice. The bloody air bristles around you when you’re seething and yet you go out of your way to pretend everything’s okay.’
‘So, ask yourself why I do that… I do it so that you don’t have to deal with any more of my crap than you already do.’
‘Exactly!’ She huffed in exasperation. ‘Likewise. If I keep things from you, it’s because you have to deal with so much crap on an average day, I don’t want to add to the pile you already have to wade through. We’re both protecting each other, so don’t make out this is all my fault. The only thing I’m guilty of here is loving you.’
‘ Ditto …’
Beth closed her eyes, trying to keep calm. She should be grateful to hear that Jack loved her, even if he didn’t quite say it, but it almost felt like an accusation.
‘I just don’t want to spend what little time we have together worrying about stuff which might not happen. We made a pact once, remember? To try to carve out a little time each day to actually live, and not just exist.’
‘Except we don’t really do that any more, do we? That bloke today, who brought you home, he wanted to ask me what I did, I could see it in his eyes. He did ask me what we farm, a logical question given what I was reading and where we live. But, when I said “not much” he held back on the real question he wanted to ask, which was “why not?”…So why do other people think me capable of doing something and yet I don’t?’
‘Are you suggesting that’s my fault?’
‘I’m not suggesting it’s anyone’s fault.’ Jack’s tone was mild, and she hated when he did that. You only needed to look at the expression on his face to know he was deliberately keeping it that way. He raised his eyebrows. ‘And, yes, straight after my accident, I couldn’t have coped. I’ll be the first to admit that I was happy to don the “Jack’s disabled” label, but however angry and frustrated I got, I still didn’t understand that it was a label I could tear off. Maybe now I do.’
‘Jack, we’re talking about the farm. And I know how much you miss it, and dream that things might be different, but we have to face the facts here. It hurt me to hear Tam chatting away with you earlier, because it was a reminder of what can no longer be. It’s too brutal.’
Jack’s mouth tightened into a thin line. ‘Do you really think it takes a perfect stranger to remind me of that? Do you not realise that I think about it every day? Every minute of every day? How I feel doesn’t go away just because we’re not talking about it. But that’s your trouble, isn’t it? That’s the way you like it. You don’t like talking about it. And thanks for the vote of confidence, by the way. I’m not hearing any words of encouragement from you, any protestations about all the things I can do. You really do know how to make a guy feel useless.’
‘ What ?’ Beth stared at him in astonishment. ‘That’s a low blow, Jack. When every single day I deal with the reality of what you can’t do.’ She held up a hand. ‘And don’t you dare start accusing me of feeling bitter about it. I don’t. I have never blamed you for what happened, nor do I resent doing what I do, but you do not have the use of your legs, Jack. Nor one arm, to all intents and purposes. There are very real limits to what you can do and believing you can do otherwise is only going to end one way. Why on earth would I let you walk willingly down that path?’
‘Interesting choice of words.’
Beth let out a strangled scream. ‘Don’t try to be clever – you know what I mean. Ordinary everyday life screws with your head. I’m not about to let you chase some stupid notion you’ve got into your brain, only to have it blow up in your face. Can you not see what that would do to you?’
‘Isn’t that my choice? You treat me like a child, Beth.’
‘Then stop bloody acting like one! You accuse me of hiding stuff from you, but you won’t ever talk about the reason why we stay here – in a house that is ill-equipped for your needs, that haemorrhages money on repairs and heating and is never even warm.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Okay then.’ She gritted her teeth and lifted her chin. ‘I think we should move.’
Jack stared at her, jaw clenched in exactly the same way she’d accused him of earlier. Go on , she willed him, say it . Actually come out and say the thing which lies behind all of this . She held his look, one eyebrow raised in challenge.
Jack raised his. Challenge accepted. ‘I am not selling the farm,’ he said.
‘Exactly…You won’t ever sell this place even though it’s the biggest millstone around our necks, because you’re still harbouring delusions that one day you might get out there again. Accept what happened to you, Jack. I mean, really accept it. Reading your farming books to “keep your mind active…”’ She shook her head dismissively. ‘Don’t pretend. Those books don’t help you, they stop you from having to face up to what’s going on here. The dream is over, Jack. And you need to stop hankering after a past which is never going to be your future. And the sooner you do that, the sooner we can build a new one.’
‘ Wow …’ Jack let out a sharp breath of surprise. ‘You really have been keeping things from me.’ He blinked rapidly, his mouth shut tight to hold back his emotions. She’d never seen him look so desolate.
He pushed his finger against the control stick of his wheelchair, reversing away slowly, gaze still locked on hers, only spinning around at the last moment. ‘Thanks for that. And keep me posted about the job thing, won’t you? Just so that I can pretend we’re in this thing together.’ There was a moment’s pause and then his chair carried him from the room. ‘You’re wrong, by the way…’
She’d gone too far. Shit… shit . But still she answered, quietly, with tears in her eyes, ‘No, I’m not.’