Chapter 14
14
Tam
A thin, hazy sun broke through the clouds as Tam drew up outside Beacalls Farm. Beth was right, the track to the house would test even the most resilient suspension, but he didn’t care – just being back out this way soothed away any tension he had been feeling. He loved it around here, always had. He waited until Beth had climbed from the car before following suit, lifting his head to the sky and taking the morning air deep inside his lungs. He’d forgotten how good that felt. And the birds…He smiled, trying to sort out one joyful call from another.
‘There you go,’ he said. ‘Home sweet home. It’s a beautiful spot,’ he added, looking around him.
The journey had been quiet, the conversation a little stilted, but now Beth smiled, properly it seemed. ‘We love it,’ she said. ‘And I can’t thank you enough. Really, you’ve been very kind.’ She fished in her handbag. ‘Will you come in for a moment? My husband wants to meet you.’
Tam was torn. He felt as if he should, but staying here for too long would almost certainly leave him feeling maudlin. Too much of a good thing always reminded him of what he’d lost.
‘Please?’ she asked again. ‘I can at least make you a cup of tea after dragging you out here.’
‘Sure,’ said Tam. ‘Thank you, that would be lovely.’
He followed her inside to find a warm and welcoming farmhouse, with whitewashed walls and worn flags on the floor giving it an air of permanence. It was old, and a little tired-looking, but Tam thought it was beautiful.
Beth led him into an airy kitchen, gesturing at a well-scrubbed wooden table which sat in the middle of the room. ‘Grab a seat,’ she said. ‘And I’ll put the kettle on. Do you mind waiting a few minutes while I get Jack up? He can’t, you see, without me…’ She dumped her bag and coat on the table and hurried away, leaving Tam lost for words.
The kitchen had clearly been modified for Jack’s needs, or at least in part. The rest of it housed a collection of things which had been ‘cobbled together’ – furniture which didn’t really belong in a kitchen, but which had been repurposed. One of these was a large bookcase which stood against one wall. The top shelves were occupied by a selection of novels, but the bottom few had been put to use housing a whole range of things which Tam guessed might need to be on hand – a bowl of fruit, an opened packet of biscuits, a pair of binoculars, a notepad, pot of pens, iPad, headphones, reading glasses, toaster, and a stack of non-fiction books on their side. Out of habit, he peered at the titles, smiling in recognition at one of them which he pulled from the stack.
He was still leafing through it when a voice came from behind him. ‘It’s very good.’
Tam spun around, embarrassed to have been caught with one of their personal possessions.
‘Yes, I’ve read it,’ he replied. ‘Sorry, I was just…reminiscing. It’s been a while since I last looked at it.’ He replaced the book, standing awkwardly even though the man in front of him was smiling. He didn’t look in the least annoyed to find a perfect stranger rifling through his things.
‘I’m Jack,’ he said. ‘And apologies for the rather rough-and-ready appearance.’ He ran a hand through thick curly hair. ‘It takes a while to get up in the morning, as you can imagine.’
Tam nodded and approached him, holding out his hand. ‘Tam,’ he said. ‘Pleased to meet you.’
The hand which took his was warm, with a firm grip, while the other lay still in the man’s lap. He was wearing jogging bottoms and a sweatshirt and Tam relaxed a little, slightly more comfortable in his own clothes.
‘I’ll get the coffee on…you do drink coffee?’
‘Oh, yes, thanks. As long as it’s not too much trouble.’
Jack paused a second. ‘It’s an incredible faff, but then most things are. What’s important, however, is that the coffee is made because without it the day doesn’t start at all.’
Tam smiled. ‘I know what you mean.’ It was one of life’s small rituals that he missed. He waited while Jack’s wheelchair reversed and spun about before following him to stand in front of the kitchen window. ‘And it looks as if it’s going to be beautiful, after all.’ The sun, although still pale in its winter clothes, was gaining in strength, the sky beginning to lose the silvery threads of dawn and finding blue. ‘Cold,’ he added. ‘But give me sunshine over rain any day.’
Jack looked up, his eyes flicking to the window, before turning his attention back to the task in hand. ‘It all looks pretty much the same from down here.’
Tam winced, but the words held no bitterness. Jack was simply stating a fact. Tam pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped a quick shot.
‘There you go…’ He angled the screen so that Jack could see it. ‘There’s something about the land in winter…’ he mused. ‘Maybe because it makes us look harder to find its beauty – it’s all so obvious in the summer – but it’s there all the same and—’ He stopped, suddenly aware of how inappropriate his words might be but, to his relief, Jack was smiling, albeit wistfully.
‘I was always a sucker for a good hoarfrost,’ he said. ‘Waking up to find that the world had been transformed overnight.’ He finished spooning coffee into a machine on a low counter and set it going. ‘Beth won’t be long – she’s just getting changed out of her uniform.’
Tam nodded. ‘Of course…she works the night shift, doesn’t she? Sorry, I should have realised she’d be desperate for some shut-eye. Listen, the offer of coffee is great, but I don’t have to stay.’
‘It’s the least we can do after your kindness. I really am grateful to you for getting Beth home. Our set-up here doesn’t give us much room for manoeuvre, I’m afraid. We don’t have a back-up plan if anything goes wrong, so…’
‘She was very anxious to get home,’ Tam replied. ‘She mentioned you weren’t well.’
‘Hmm… She worries.’
‘Occupational hazard, I would imagine.’
Jack smiled. ‘I had a raging fever when I went to bed last night, but I feel fine now, so I don’t know what that was about. Have a seat, the coffee won’t be long.’
‘So, what do you farm here?’ asked Tam, sitting down.
‘Farm?’ Jack looked down at his legs. ‘Not a lot. Not any more.’
Tam closed his eyes. He was such an idiot at times. ‘Sorry, I didn’t think. I just saw all the books and…’
‘They’re more an exercise in keeping atrophy away these days.’ Jack tapped his head. ‘The old noggin feels like mush. Plus, a little bit of dreaming never does any harm.’
Tam looked up from where he was studying the grain on the table, one finger tracing a particularly prominent whorl. ‘True. Although sometimes it has the opposite effect from what you intend.’ The surface of the wood was beautiful, worn smooth with the patina of use and obviously well loved. ‘I find it makes me yearn even more for the things I’ve lost.’ He looked up again to see Jack studying him.
‘It is a bit like picking at an old wound, I agree. You know you shouldn’t, but…’ Nostalgia drew out his words. ‘There are worse things to read, though.’
Tam laughed. ‘Oh, there are, I’ve read quite a few of them.’
‘Have you seen this one?’ Jack lifted a newspaper from the table, revealing a book underneath. ‘It’s good. I like it because it makes me think that something might still be gleaned from all this chaos.’ He waved a hand towards the window. ‘It’s a bit of a jungle out there.’
Tam studied the book’s cover, its edges a riot of ivy leaves and bramble, blackberries and sycamore seeds. At its centre, a beautiful turtle dove was posed among the branches, the softest pink blush to its breast. ‘ Wilding ,’ he read. ‘May I?’
With Jack’s consent, he picked up the book, turning it this way and that so that the embellishments on the cover caught the light. He flipped it over and began to read the back, eyes widening in delight as he did so.
‘You can borrow it if you like,’ said Jack.
It was a tempting offer, but totally impractical. ‘I’m not sure I’d be able to get it back to you,’ Tam replied. ‘Not unless your wife has a habit of breaking down in the car park. Thanks, though. I’ll see if I can get a copy from the library.’
Jack’s reply was stalled by Beth coming back into the room.
‘You know, some days I swear it’s only the thought of a decent coffee that gets me through the last hours of my shift.’ Now dressed in jeans and a hoodie, she looked tired, but more relaxed than she had been up until now. Tam didn’t want to pry, but he was beginning to understand the difficulties their life posed. ‘Oh sorry,’ she added. ‘I’ve interrupted you. Carry on, I’ll sort the drinks.’
‘I was just talking to Tam about Wilding ,’ replied Jack.
Her face fell slightly. ‘Do you take sugar, Tam?’
‘Just milk, please.’
Silence fell for a few moments until Beth set a mug down in front of him. ‘Just humour him,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘He can go on about it for days.’ Her tone was light-hearted yet, for a second, the look on her face was anything but. Tam was a little confused. He would have thought she would be encouraging of something her husband was interested in.
‘No, really. It sounds my kind of read,’ he replied. ‘I couldn’t help noticing some of the other books on the shelves there.’ He gestured towards them. ‘I’ve read a couple of those too.’
She placed a mug in front of Jack before returning to collect her own coffee. ‘So how come you’re interested in farming?’ she asked. ‘Is it a family thing?’
Tam shook his head. ‘I didn’t always work in a care home…But no, I don’t come from a long line of farming stock, I’m just interested in our countryside. It’s always been a passion of mine.’
She nodded, but her expression was closed. It was clear she didn’t want to pursue the conversation. ‘I hope Jack has told you how grateful we are,’ she said, sitting down opposite. ‘I had visions of arriving home to find him in the throes of some hideous bug.’
‘He has, but it’s fine, honestly. I was glad to help. Will you be able to sort something with your car?’
‘Oh yes, I’ll give our local mechanic a ring in a bit. Clive’s very good, but there’s no point contacting him before ten at least.’ She smiled. ‘He doesn’t like early mornings.’
‘The man’s in his seventies, though,’ added Jack. ‘You can hardly blame him.’
Tam took a sip of his coffee. Beth was right, it was very fine coffee indeed. It was the kind he would love to drink every morning too. At a table just like this one. In a house surrounded by rolling fields, just like he used to have. He cleared his throat. ‘I’ll finish this and get out of your way.’
‘No rush.’
Beth smiled, but the conversation had faltered, and he was beginning to feel like a spare part. She probably had a million and one things to do, sleep being one of them.
‘I ought to get home anyway,’ he replied, pointedly checking his watch. ‘Got a bit of shopping to pick up before my shift starts.’ The coffee was still too hot, but he gulped down several mouthfuls.
Beth dipped her head, acknowledging his statement and ignoring his lie. ‘Have you worked there long?’ she asked.
‘Few months,’ Tam replied. ‘But I like it.’ He swallowed the rest of his drink. ‘Thanks again. This is the best coffee I’ve had in a long while. Anyway, I hope you get your car sorted out. It was nice to meet you, Jack.’
‘You too. Are you sure about the book? I’m sure we could come to some arrangement.’ He checked himself. ‘Actually, take it, please. A small recompense for your help. I can easily order another copy.’ He grinned. ‘Thank heaven for Amazon.’
Tam opened his mouth to argue, but then closed it again. ‘Then thank you. I know I’ll enjoy it.’ He picked up the copy of Wilding and got to his feet.
‘I’ll walk you to the door,’ said Beth.
‘It’s been lovely to meet you, Tam,’ she added softly as they reached the threshold. ‘And obviously, I’m very grateful but – don’t take this the wrong way – it isn’t necessarily a good idea for Jack to go dreaming about this place again. Ultimately he…’ She took a deep breath. ‘He gets frustrated, and then he gets angry, and then…he gets depressed.’ Her look was a little embarrassed. ‘I just try to head it off where I can. I’m sure you understand.’
Tam did, but he didn’t think she was right. He nodded though. It probably wasn’t a good idea for him to stay much longer either. ‘No problem. And it’s not as if there’s any reason for me to stay in touch, is there?’
‘No…’ She lowered her voice even further. ‘You’re usually asleep when I pass, but if you ever need anything, maybe I could return the favour some day? Just…I don’t know…Maybe leave a note on my windscreen, or something?’
He nodded. ‘Thank you. Although I have been wondering whether I ought to rethink where I’ve been stopping. It doesn’t do to stay in one place for too long so…’ He let his sentence trail off. He didn’t want to explain that in all likelihood drugs were being dealt only a few metres away from where she’d been parking. The grey van had always gone by the time Beth returned to her car, so whatever was going on would never affect her. She had enough on her plate without worrying about that too.
She looked surprised. ‘That’s not on account of me, I hope?’
‘No, no…it’s the way it goes, that’s all. I’ll be there for a bit though, I expect. Got to find somewhere suitable first.’
She wanted to know more; he could see the questions forming in her head, but she held them back. ‘Okay…bye then.’
He smiled. ‘Bye, Beth.’