Chapter 4
The opportunity for Esther to tell Danni how she felt presented itself less than an hour later, when she suggested they go for coffee at the Friends of St Piran’s Hospital shop at the end of the shift, before they headed home.
Ollie had been taken to theatre for his operation, and Ritchie had told Esther he was taking Ollie’s parents to the hospital restaurant to try and keep them occupied while they waited for news.
He’d also told her he was glad of the interruption in the end, because Ollie had been dosed up on quite a lot of painkillers and he didn’t want there to be any chance that his friend wouldn’t remember the declaration of love that Ritchie wanted to make.
‘I can’t say those words twice and risk getting rejected both times.’ He’d managed a rueful smile, and she’d got the impression he was feeling more confident than he had been before about how Ollie might react when they finally had the chance to talk.
Esther had felt a bit bereft watching Ritchie disappearing down the corridor with Ollie’s parents, wondering if she’d ever know what happened next. But maybe it was best left to her imagination; sometimes things were better that way.
‘I think there’ll be a happy ever after, I really do,’ Esther confided, as she and Danni reached the hospital shop.
She’d wanted to share the story with Danni, because it felt like a good way to lay the groundwork for the conversation they needed to have.
It didn’t break patient confidentiality, because it didn’t concern anything medical, and she knew she could trust Danni with what she’d told her, because she could trust her with her life if she needed to.
‘I hope they do.’ Danni turned towards her as she spoke. ‘Either way, I think you’ve earned some chocolate after all that emotional turmoil. I feel like I need some too and I wasn’t even there!’
‘I’ll get it.’ Esther waved her friend away as Danni tried to protest. ‘What will it be, a cappuccino and a Crunchie?’
‘You know me far too well!’
‘I do, and having shared a flat with you for all that time, I know you consider Crunchies to be every bit as essential as milk and bread.’ Esther grinned.
They’d had so much fun living and working side by side during part of their training, and they’d never once had a falling out in all the years of shared bills and shared bathrooms. That in itself was a huge measure of their friendship.
‘Go and grab us a table and I’ll get the essential supplies sorted. ’
The Friends of St Piran’s shop was the one place in the hospital where you could get decent coffee, which would have made it a central meeting point, even if it hadn’t been run by Gwen, a retired midwife, who now headed up the volunteering team and was like a substitute mum and agony aunt all rolled into one.
When Esther finally made it to the front of the queue, Gwen greeted her with the same warm smile she always seemed to be wearing.
‘Was that Danni I spied you with?’ she asked, but not even waiting for the answer before she continued. ‘Let me guess. Two cappuccinos, a Crunchie and a Ripple?’
‘Are we that predictable?’ Esther couldn’t help laughing.
‘You just know what hits best at the end of a shift, that’s all, and you can’t beat coffee and chocolate, it’s almost as good a combination as you and Danni.
’ Gwen pushed a pile of flyers that were stacked on the counter slightly to one side and, when Esther glanced down at them, she found herself wondering if it had been a subtle but deliberate move on the older woman’s part.
Gwen had been party to some of the conversations between Esther and her friends at the hospital about trying for a baby, and it would be just like her to want to find a solution.
In a large font across the top of the glossy A5 flyer, it read:
Three Ports Infertility Support Group
There was a picture of a group of mostly women, sitting around a table with cups in their hands, and below that some more writing:
We meet every second and fourth Thursday of the month from 7 until 9 p.m. at The Cookie Jar café, Port Agnes. Email Anna or Jess at admin@ for more information.
Esther stared at the flyer for a moment, wondering if Gwen was going to say anything, before realising that the woman had already turned away to make the coffees.
Picking up one of the leaflets, Esther stuffed it into her pocket.
She’d heard about the group and wondered if she might find it useful to go along, to get some reassurance that she and Joe were only at the very start of their journey to parenthood, and that there were lots of avenues still open.
Yet she’d resisted going, because she’d been worried that reaching out to the group might make it feel as if she was admitting that’s who they were now: an infertile couple.
She hadn’t been ready to accept that idea – she still wasn’t – but maybe it was time to start some conversations between her and Joe that they’d both been putting off.
There’d be people in the group taking all sorts of routes to parenthood and, even if she and Joe weren’t ready to start down any of those paths yet, it might be time to talk about the other options.
Putting off important conversations was often a bad idea.
Spending time with Ritchie had reminded her of that.
Stuffing the flyer into her pocket had been instinctive, but the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to see what the group could offer.
As long as she was clear with Joe that she was nowhere near ready to give up on the dream of having a baby of their own, she couldn’t imagine what harm it could possibly do.
‘Right, there you go, my love, one normal cappuccino and one decaf.’ Gwen set the coffees down in front of Esther and it took a moment for her to register what the older woman had said.
‘I don’t think I asked for a decaf.’ She paused for a moment, trying to rewind the conversation in her head. ‘Did I?’
‘Oh, err, I…’ Gwen was never lost for words, but her eyes darted to the left for a moment as if the answer lay there, before looking back at Esther again.
‘No, you didn’t, but Danni has switched to decaf for most of her coffees lately.
She said something about it meaning she could have more of them that way and let’s face it, you guys definitely need unlimited coffee in your jobs. ’
‘That’s true enough. Thank you.’ Esther furrowed her brow for a moment, trying to remember if Danni had mentioned anything about switching to decaf recently, and it struck her that her friend had been drinking far less coffee, sticking to sparkling water and offering to be the designated driver the last few times Esther and Joe had gone out with Danni and Charlie.
She’d said it was because toddlers had no idea how to go easy on parents who were feeling a bit fuzzy-headed the next morning, which was almost certainly the case.
But as Esther walked towards her friend and really looked at her, she realised with a certainty that made it impossible to believe she hadn’t already guessed – that Danni was pregnant.
She was sitting slightly awkwardly in her chair, as if she was deliberately trying to disguise the change in her shape.
Danni was tall and her pregnancy first time around had barely been discernible until she was more than six months into it.
As an emergency department consultant, she generally wore a dark purple tunic and matching trousers, which should have made any bump fairly obvious, but looking at Danni now, Esther could see the tunic was far too big for her, loose fitting to the point that it looked as if it belonged to someone else.
How could she not have noticed? She already knew the answer; she’d been so wrapped up in herself that she hadn’t been able to see what was staring her in the face.
Danni was pregnant, she was certain of that now, and for a moment Esther wasn’t sure if her legs would even carry her to the table.
Danni and Charlie were having a second baby, but they hadn’t breathed a word about it to Esther and Joe, and tears were stinging her eyes as she forced her legs do what they were supposed to do.
She couldn’t let Danni see her cry, because her best friend wouldn’t understand the reason.
She’d think it was because Esther was envious and grieving for the thing she wanted most in the world, and she’d partly be right.
It did feel like a body blow that Danni and Charlie’s lives were moving even further away from hers and Joe’s, and it made her question all over again whether they’d ever be in the same position, but there was more to her tears than that.
Two of the people she loved most in the world had the best possible news, but they didn’t feel they could share it with her.
Worse than that, Danni was actively trying to disguise the truth to spare Esther’s feelings, and she hated that fact so much she wanted to scream.
She had no idea how she was going to handle the long overdue conversation she was about to have with Danni; all she knew was that she desperately needed to have it.
‘Here you go.’ Her voice sounded high and strained as she finally set the coffees down on the table, pulling the chocolate bars out of her pocket and trying to steady her breathing.
She wanted to give Danni one more chance to tell her the news, in the hope she could salvage some of the joy it should have brought her best friend to share it.
So she set up the opportunity in the only way she could think of right now.
‘Gwen said you’re on the decaf at the moment. ’
‘Did she?’ Danni hadn’t been able to keep the look of panic off her face. ‘Yes, I, er…’
‘She said it’s because it means you can have more of them that way, to get you through the day.’ Esther looked down at her cup, certain her expression would give her away if she didn’t. ‘Maybe I should try it.’