Chapter 4 #2
‘I think you deserve the real thing after the day you’ve just had.’
‘Maybe.’ Esther still didn’t look up. She was going to have to change tack and hope it would be enough for Danni to realise she didn’t have to hide the truth any more.
‘I just can’t stop thinking about how hard it must have been for Ritchie to carry that secret for so long.
I can’t imagine keeping something so huge from someone you love, even if you’re not sure they want to hear it. ’
Danni’s intake of breath was sharp, but her hand was warm as she placed it on top of Esther’s. ‘You know, don’t you?’
‘About the baby?’ Esther looked up, nodding as Danni’s eyes filled with tears, mirroring her own. ‘Don’t, Danni, please. This is good news, the best, and the last thing I want is for my situation to take this away from you.’
‘It’s just not fair.’ Tears were streaming down Danni’s cheeks now. ‘It should be you and Joe too. You’ve been wanting this for so long, and I feel awful that we’re having our second and you’re still waiting. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you.’
‘I wish we weren’t waiting either, but you being pregnant again doesn’t make that any harder than it already is.
’ Esther couldn’t cross her fingers over one another without Danni spotting it, so she let the lie settle between them, hoping it might convince her friend.
The truth was it did make it harder. She wished it wasn’t true, but being confronted by Danni and Charlie’s pregnancy was going to be a daily reminder of what she didn’t have.
But that didn’t mean she wished Danni wasn’t pregnant.
She was thrilled for them, they’d been through so much with Caleb, living through the terror of his abduction from the maternity unit, when another woman who’d lost her baby was in the grip of psychosis, and had snatched their newborn son.
They deserved to celebrate every aspect of this pregnancy, but Esther had inadvertently stolen their joy, and she couldn’t allow that to continue for a second longer, even if it meant she was the one who had to start pretending.
‘I hate the fact that you had to hide this from me. I know you were doing it for all the right reasons, but it’s made me realise something.
It’s impossible for me to go through life avoiding babies and pregnant women and, if I want to be a mum as much as I say I do, I need to start considering all the options. ’
Danni leant forward in her seat, her brow furrowed with concern. ‘I know it must feel like it’s been forever, but there are lots of things you can still—’
Esther held up her hand, cutting Danni off.
‘I’m not giving up on trying for a baby, that’s not what I’m saying.
I just need to know there are other options and how Joe feels about them.
Every time I try and bring it up, he shuts me down and tells me that we’ll be okay as long as we’ve got each other.
It’s lovely of him to say that, but I need to be given the chance to talk about all the what ifs, not just be comforted by well-meaning words. ’
‘Oh God, Essie, I’m sorry, that’s exactly what I’ve just done too, isn’t it?’ Danni was still brushing tears away from her face, her mouth turned down at the corners. She was layering yet more guilt on herself that Esther really didn’t want her to feel.
‘I know you both just want me to be happy, but I need to know there’s a plan B that Joe and I can feel okay about.
It’ll take the pressure off. All he’s said so far is that he’ll be happy even it’s just me and him, forever.
The trouble is, I’m not sure I will be and I’m not convinced he really will be either.
I need to speak to other people who know what it’s like to have those kinds of conversations and who’ve gone down some of the other routes we might eventually decide to pursue. So, I’m going to give this a try.’
Taking the leaflet out of her pocket, she put it on the table in front of Danni, who picked it up and nodded, relief flooding her face. ‘I think that’s a great idea and Joe will definitely want to support you and go along too.’
‘I know and I want him to, eventually.’ Esther pressed her lips together for a moment and then raised her eyes to meet Danni’s gaze.
‘I just need to get a few things straight in my head, first, and work out how I feel about the options, before I sit down and talk to Joe about them. I know he’s going to say that whatever I want is okay with him, but that’s not how I want it to be.
If I can get my head around it first, I’ll stand a better chance of being able to keep my reactions more neutral, when the options are presented to him too.
I don’t want him to do something he doesn’t really feel comfortable with, just to please me.
So I need to go to the group without him first and get myself as informed as I can be, without having to try and guard my emotions about it all. ’
‘That sounds like a good idea, but I know all Joe wants is for you to be happy.’
‘I know that too.’ Esther nodded, some of the agony that felt as though it had been twisting her insides into a knot, finally easing off.
She knew how lucky she was to have Joe, even if she couldn’t always show it lately, and she was incredibly lucky to have Danni too; a friend who loved her so much that she’d been willing to do whatever it took to spare her feelings.
But she didn’t want to be that person any more, the one who had to be protected at the cost of other people’s needs.
She had to find an inner strength, and she knew that being able to visualise a way forward, whatever happened, was the best way to tap into that, but she still needed a bit of help to get there.
‘The thing is, I’m not sure I can face going to the group completely on my own. ’
‘I’ll come with you.’ There wasn’t even a moment’s hesitation, but then Danni suddenly looked uncertain, shaking her head. ‘If you want me to, that is. I know I can’t understand what you’re going through, but you and Joe are my family, and I want to do whatever I can to help.’
‘I want you to come.’ Esther’s response was steady and certain. Danni was right. She couldn’t possibly understand how it felt, but she was still the person Esther most wanted by her side.
Although it turned out Danni had one small reservation. ‘Do you think me being pregnant might upset anyone else in the group?’
‘Well, you’ve been pretty good at keeping your pregnancy under wraps so far.’ For the first time a smile started to tug at the corners of Esther’s mouth. ‘And if anyone looks like they’re in danger of guessing, we can just tell them your addiction to Crunchies has got out of hand.’
‘It won’t even be a lie. I ate a pack of three on Tuesday night and had to try and convince Charlie he’d been mistaken when he thought he’d seen some in the cupboard.
I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I’d eaten them all.
’ Danni laughed before leaning even further forward in her seat.
‘You know I’ll always be there for you, in whatever way you need me to, don’t you? And so will Joe.’
‘Thank you.’ Esther squeezed her hand one more time, grateful for everything she had, despite the ache in her chest she wasn’t sure would ever lift without a child of her own.
She had to believe it would work out okay, one way or another.
It had to, because she had people in her life whom she loved with all her heart and who she knew loved her back.
Ritchie hadn’t been able to be sure of that, and yet he’d still been ready to face his fears for the chance of having the one thing he wanted most. The least Esther could do was face some of her own fears too, and right now felt like as good a time as any to start.