Chapter 6
Hope had been nervous about attending the first infertility support group ever since she’d agreed to help out.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do it, she just had no experience of anything to do with infertility, and she didn’t know anyone who had, either.
The closest she’d come to understanding how much the longing for a child could affect someone had been hiding in that toilet cubicle at St Piran’s, listening to Esther as she reacted to the news of another negative pregnancy test. That didn’t remotely qualify her to offer any advice.
It was different for Jess and Anna; they’d been through it on a personal level and could empathise and share their experiences.
When Jess had suggested they go to the meeting together, Hope had been glad she’d have moral support when she first walked through the door.
Jess had called for Hope at the flat she was renting above one of the gift shops in Port Agnes, just a couple of miles from the hospital, which was in neighbouring Port Kara.
The flat was cosy in every sense of the word, small and welcoming, and Hope had done everything she could to make it feel like home.
She’d lined up photographs of her family all along the windowsill that looked out on to the narrow and steeply winding road, which led down to the harbour.
The flat had already been furnished and she loved sitting in the forest-green velvet armchair – almost the size of a two-seater sofa – positioned to look directly out of the window, watching the world go by in her new home, while feeling as though her family were there with her too.
It always gave her comfort after a tough day to look at the faces of her parents and sisters, and know they were only ever a phone call away.
There might be some tough things she had to face alone in this new life of hers, but she was thankful the walk to the infertility support group wasn’t one of them.
If it had been, she wasn’t entirely sure she’d have gone through with it once the nerves really kicked in and she started to feel like a total imposter.
As it turned out, it didn’t take Jess long to spot Hope’s apprehension.
‘You don’t need to be an expert in any of this, you know.’ Jess turned and smiled at her, as they walked down the road towards The Cookie Jar café.
‘I’m just worried someone will ask me a question I can’t answer, and they’ll wonder what I think I’m doing being there at all.’
‘They’re all just glad of the mutual support the group provides and the chance to talk about what they’re going through.
Lots of information gets shared and there are specialist forms of support we can refer them to for more information.
’ Jess briefly laid a hand on her arm. ‘We’re not here to be experts on any of it, or to teach the group members about infertility, they will always know more than we do.
All we have to do is facilitate the group and make sure everyone has the chance to speak if they want to and that no one else takes over, or becomes the self-appointed expert, telling others what to do, rather than just sharing their own experiences.
The fact that you don’t feel as if you know anything is probably a benefit in that respect, because you won’t even be tempted to take charge. ’
‘I definitely won’t.’ Hope smiled, her shoulders relaxing for the first time as they continued to walk. ‘Thank you for being so lovely.’
‘Thank you for embracing the work of the team in the way you have, even the bits that aren’t part of our paid role. It feels like you were made to fit in with us all, like you’ve been with us for years instead of weeks.’
‘It has felt a bit like coming home, rather than starting somewhere completely new and I feel very lucky.’
‘We’re the lucky ones.’ Jess smiled again, as they reached the door of the café. ‘Right, shall we go in?’
‘Let’s do it.’
There was a sign on the door stating that the café closed at 6 p.m. and Jess had already explained that, as the group had grown, they had taken to meeting after it was closed to other customers.
It gave them the privacy they needed too, in case anyone got upset or wanted to talk about the kind of very personal investigations that often went hand in hand with infertility treatment.
‘Most of the group are already here, Jess.’ A woman inside the café smiled as she ushered them towards a large table made up of six four-seater tables pushed together. ‘Once everyone else has arrived, I’ll lock the door, so we don’t get any unexpected guests.’
‘Thank you, Monika, that’s really kind of you. We’ve got a couple of new people coming along tonight, but I’ve told everyone they need to arrive by seven.’ Jess turned slightly. ‘This is Hope, a new member of the team and she’s going to help out with the group while Anna is doing her course.’
‘Great to meet you, Hope. I’ll be over to take everyone’s orders in a bit, but I just wanted to give you the heads-up that I’ve made pistachio cake and it’s absolutely delicious, even if I do say so myself.’
‘It certainly sounds it,’ Jess said before leading the way to where some of the group were already seated.
There was a quick round of introductions to Hope, but Jess suggested that they all give a bit more detail when the rest of the group arrived, so that the new members would know where everyone was in their infertility journey.
A few minutes after Jess and Hope arrived, two more women joined the group, whom everyone else already seemed to know.
‘It’s two minutes past seven, so I’m not sure if the new group members are going to come after all.’ Jess picked up her phone and glanced at the time. ‘We’ll wait until five past, but then Monika will need to lock the door, otherwise someone random is bound to come in wanting coffee and cake!’
Almost as soon as she spoke the door burst open, making the bell jangle vigorously.
‘I’m so sorry we’re late.’ The first of the two women who rushed into the café was flushed with colour as she uttered the apology. ‘We had an influx of patients from a multi-car pile-up arrive just as our shifts were due to end and it set us back a bit.’
‘No problem at all, we’re just glad to see you both.
Come and grab a seat.’ It was only when Jess responded that Hope looked at the second woman who’d come into the café, and saw that it was Danni, her heart seeming to still in her chest as she realised that the woman in front of her was almost certainly Esther.
She’d looked Joe up on social media, but his accounts were set to private these days, so she hadn’t been able to see the kind of detail Laura had.
The discovery of his move to St Piran’s had come via a Google search, and she’d also found one picture of his wedding to Esther in an online archive for the Three Ports News.
She’d checked out their profiles on the hospital website too and Joe had the same kind of almost conker-coloured eyes as he shared with both Danni and Hope, which could look like amber in the right kind of light.
Esther looked different in person, though, much smaller than Hope had expected her to be, with an almost elfin beauty, enhanced by delicate features and the pixie cut of her short, blonde hair.
She looked fragile and Hope couldn’t help wondering if that had always been the case, or whether the struggles she was going through had taken a physical toll.
Either way, Esther was the main reason Hope hadn’t reached out to her biological father and why she was increasingly beginning to think she never would.
‘Now that everyone is here,’ Jess continued, ‘it would be great to do some proper introductions. I already know everyone, but I’ll start anyway.
I’m Jess and I went through several rounds of infertility treatment, due to scarring on my fallopian tubes that made it impossible for me to get pregnant naturally.
I began the journey into fostering, before all of that, while I was still single.
When I met my husband, Dexter, he had already adopted our little boy.
Later I was able to adopt him too and eventually our family was completed when we adopted our daughter.
I work as a midwife, which has sometimes been a great comfort and sometimes made the ache all the stronger, but I wouldn’t change a thing about what has got me to the point I’m at now. ’
Hope’s eyes were already stinging, and she had no idea how she was going to get through all of the introductory stories without giving in to her emotions.
She’d known there was going to be some sorrow to contend with, but she hadn’t expected the joy that had been evident in Jess’s face as she spoke about her family, and that’s what had heightened Hope’s emotions.
So much so that she didn’t realise Jess was waiting for her to offer her own introduction, until she gave her a gentle nudge.
‘Oh yes, sorry, I’m Hope. I’m also a midwife and I’m here hoping to learn as much as I can from all of you.
’ She cleared her throat, stalling for time.
Still not sure whether she should say the words that felt as though they were bubbling up in her throat, but they seemed determined to come out either way.
‘I don’t have any experience with infertility, but I am adopted and I’ve had the most wonderful experience with that, if it would help anyone to hear about how it can be from the child’s perspective. ’
‘I think that could be really useful.’ Jess couldn’t quite hide the expression of surprise that had crossed her face, but her voice was warm. ‘Would you mind going next, Molly?’