Chapter 6 #2
The introductions that followed were every bit as heart-rending as Hope had expected them to be.
One couple, who held hands the whole time they were talking, explained that they were about to start their third round of IVF with ICSI, a procedure they’d been told was their best chance of getting pregnant due to the husband’s very low sperm count.
They were incredibly open about the tests they’d had and how it had felt to discover the reason they hadn’t conceived, after over a year of trying naturally.
The only other man there had come along with his partner, Lisa.
They were currently exploring the option of egg donation at a clinic in Cyprus, after six failed IVF attempts using Lisa’s own eggs, managing to sound upbeat and hopeful despite everything they’d already been through.
Two of the other women who’d come along were early on in their infertility journeys.
One of them was awaiting the start of her first round of treatment, and the other had just begun taking a fertility drug called Clomid to encourage ovulation, both of their voices betraying emotion when they talked about their hopes for the future.
There were three other women in the group; Niamh, who was considering surrogacy, after four miscarriages, the pain of those losses etched on her face, and a married couple in their forties, who were going through the initial stages of adoption after already having an older child through sperm donation, who were certain this was what they needed to complete their family.
Finally came the time for Danni and Esther to introduce themselves.
‘I’m Danni and I work as a doctor in the emergency department at St Piran’s, but I’m really just here to support my friend.
’ Danni fixed Hope with a look as she spoke, as if she was trying to send her a telepathic message, warning her not to spill the beans about the fact that she also happened to be pregnant.
Not that Hope would ever have done anything like that, even if she’d known for certain that Danni had found a way to tell Esther the news.
She was pretty sure the other women in the room didn’t want to hear about Danni’s pregnancy, especially when it hadn’t been hard fought.
But more than that it was none of her business, even if the baby would technically be her cousin.
Danni had paused for a moment after her initial introduction, much like Hope, seeming to weigh up whether to say anything else, and then she continued, ‘But my husband, Charlie, is adopted and has the most fantastic relationship with his parents. So I’ve got a tiny bit of insight into that route to parenthood, although not nearly as much as Hope. ’
Maybe that had been the reason Danni had gazed so intently at Hope, rather than it having anything to do with the baby, and it was just her own guilty conscience at being so heavily weighed down with a secret that was making her read too much into the situation.
A feeling that wasn’t eased in the slightest as Esther began to speak.
‘I’m Esther and I have what they call unexplained infertility.
Both mine and my husband Joe’s tests have come back within the normal range, but we’ve been trying for well over a year now with no sign of a positive test and we’ve decided to get some help.
I’ll be thirty-five next year and my husband is already in his forties, so we don’t want to hang around.
He’s been amazing and is always telling me that as long as he’s got me, nothing else matters, but I want this so much for both of us.
I’m just not quite sure I can enter into all the turmoil fertility treatment can bring without having worked out a plan for us to have our family some other way, if it comes to it.
So I’m incredibly grateful for the chance to talk to people who’ve chosen other routes.
’ Esther’s words suddenly caught in her throat and a sob escaped instead, Danni immediately wrapping an arm around her best friend’s shoulders.
‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get upset. ’
‘Oh no, please don’t apologise.’ Lisa shook her head, emphasising her words. ‘We’ve all been there and felt the way you’re feeling now. That never changes really, but it’s helped so much to know that there are still other doors we can go through if one closes for good.’
‘Thank you, it’s so nice to be surrounded by people who understand.
I just can’t bear the thought of it never happening.
Joe was born to be a dad, and I know he’s going to be brilliant at it.
Sometimes robbing him of that chance hurts just as much as the idea that I won’t ever get to be a mum.
’ Esther swallowed so hard it was audible.
‘Even though the tests say we’re both okay, I can’t help thinking that I’m doing something wrong and it must be me who’s stopping it happening.
I know it sounds stupid, but it’s just the way I feel, and I think knowing that I can offer up some other solutions, if we need them, will really help.
I’m sure Joe will want to come along to the group in the future too, but I just needed to know for myself first that it felt right.
I’m so lucky that Danni was willing to come along and hold my hand through it, because just knowing that you need to come somewhere like this feels huge, doesn’t it? ’
‘It really does.’ Niamh reached out to put a hand over Esther’s, as though they were old friends, instead of women who’d been strangers to one another just moments ago, but this was what pain did to people; it bonded them.
Hope had to squeeze her eyes shut and fight against the tears that were once again threatening to spill down her cheeks.
Joe had already fathered a child, he just had no idea, and Hope was the one with the power to tell him.
Whether he’d consider that a gift or not, she had no idea, but Hope was certain now that it would hurt Esther even more than she’d feared.
Esther’s desperation was for her and Joe to have a family together.
She didn’t want the now-adult child he’d created in a summer fling, when he’d still been a teenager himself, to turn up in their lives and make him a father that way.
It was going to have to be enough for Hope to get to know the man her father was from afar and then step away and allow them to get on with their lives.
After all, she’d never felt a void where Joe or Laura should be, because of her mum and dad, which meant that walking away should be easy.
So she had no idea why even the thought of it suddenly felt so hard.