Chapter 12
Hope hadn’t seen Esther since the day at the hospital when they’d supported Fern and baby Arlo.
Thankfully it had been intussusception, as Esther had suspected, and the treatment had been effective and straightforward.
Fern’s sister had arrived about an hour and a half after Hope had got there, once her partner was home from work and her own children were settled for the night.
It had meant Hope finally felt able to leave.
Although she seemed to be making a habit of hanging around in the Emergency Department after her shift and she had to question what her motivation for that was.
She hoped it was simply because she was trying to be the best midwife she could possibly be, but she had to admit that spending time with Esther was part of the draw.
She’d enjoyed getting to know the woman who was married to her biological father a little bit better, feeling as though it had allowed her to know Joe better too as a result, and she liked them both. A lot.
After Esther had sought the advice of one of the paediatricians, who’d confirmed the diagnosis, that could have been the end of her involvement, but it wasn’t.
She’d come back to check on both Fern and Arlo, more than once, and Hope had seen the longing in Esther’s eyes.
She was kind and caring, and she deserved to have a baby of her own, but sadly life didn’t always work like that.
It didn’t stop Hope wishing for it, though, and when she next saw Esther at the infertility support group, it was hard not to tell her that, as it may have made her seem oddly over-invested.
They’d only met a handful of times and yet Hope was more fixated on Esther and Joe’s quest to become parents than she could ever have tried to explain.
For a second time, she was forced to question her motivation.
She wanted Joe and Esther to have a baby for their own sake, but did she want it for her too?
Was she hoping it would re-open the possibility of telling them who she was because that’s what she wanted deep down?
Maybe if Esther discovered she was having a baby of her own, it would make it easier for her to accept that Joe had already fathered a child.
Hope couldn’t allow herself to dwell on any of those questions when she saw Esther again.
Her role at the infertility support group was to listen and be there for all the group members, in any way she could.
If the only thing she could see and think about was Esther and Joe, she wouldn’t be any use to anyone.
What made it even harder than usual to stop herself from dwelling on it, was the fact that Joe was sitting next to Esther, their heads pressed together, when Hope and Jess arrived at The Cookie Jar café, fifteen minutes before the group was due to start.
All of Hope’s good intentions seemed to desert her and the chances of thinking about anything other than their situation suddenly seemed impossible.
‘Sorry, we were a bit early,’ Esther said, looking up at Hope and Jess as they walked in.
‘Oh goodness, don’t apologise. It’s lovely to see you both.’ The warmth of Jess’s smile matched her tone.
‘Danni’s been so good coming here with me, but she’s anaemic and worn out, and work’s been so busy.’ Esther sighed. ‘Thankfully Joe managed to switch the nights of his addiction support group.’
Hope tried to stop her eyes from widening in surprise, but she obviously didn’t quite manage it and Esther laughed.
‘Oh sorry, Joe runs the group. He isn’t one of the members.’
‘I wasn’t judging, even if he was, it’s not…
I mean there’s no shame in…’ Hope couldn’t finish the sentence, tripping over her words, unsure of what to say without sounding far more concerned about Joe’s situation than she had any right to be.
They’d only met once before, and as far as he and Esther knew she’d have absolutely no reason to concern herself with Joe’s personal life, let alone worry that any predisposition to addiction might be genetic.
‘Of course not.’ Joe smiled and Hope tried not to look for the same similarity she’d spotted before, that very slightly lopsided grin that made her feel a connection to the man in front of her.
But she couldn’t seem to stop herself from scanning his face, and if she carried on for much longer, he was going to notice.
Or Esther would, and then she’d wonder why Hope was staring at her husband with such intensity.
She had to turn away, while she still could.
‘Can I get anyone a drink?’ Hope was already moving towards the counter as she spoke.
‘I can get them,’ Joe said and she turned back to see him getting to his feet.
‘Esther tells me you did another brilliant job, Hope, stepping in yet again to help a patient after your shift had already finished, the other day. The hospital really are lucky to have you. We didn’t get the chance to buy you a drink to say thank you for all your help last time, so this time I’m not taking no for an answer.
And as for you, Jess,’ he continued, ‘we owe you a huge debt of thanks too for setting up this group. It’s given us a lot to think about and I’m so glad I’ve finally made it to a session. ’
‘You don’t owe me anything.’ Jess shook her head, but she was smiling all the same. ‘I won’t say no to a latte though, I had a delivery today with a baby who was determined to come out feet first and it all got a bit dramatic.’
‘Can I tempt you to some cake too?’ Joe raised his eyebrows.
‘Well, it has been a long day…’ Jess grinned. ‘So if they’ve got any coffee or chocolate cake left, I won’t say no.’
‘What about you, Hope? What can I get you?’
‘Just a chamomile tea for me, please.’
‘No problem.’ He smiled again before turning to his wife. ‘See? You said I was the only person who enjoyed chamomile tea, but clearly Hope has good taste too.’
‘All flavoured tea tastes like pot pourri with hot water in it.’ Esther wrinkled her nose. ‘I bet Hope doesn’t like liquorice tea though.’
‘I’ve never tried it, but I love liquorice pinwheels and when we had sherbet fountains as kids, my sisters used to give me their liquorice and I’d eat everyone’s. They hated it, but I couldn’t get enough,’ Hope said.
‘Looks like I’ve found a kindred spirit.
’ Joe dropped a perfect wink and the words Hope had been trying so hard to push down seemed to bubble up in her throat, almost spilling out.
Despite what her parents and Tabby had said during her visit home, she still wasn’t sure whether telling Joe the truth was the right thing to do.
Either way, now wasn’t the right time and it definitely wasn’t the right place.
Forcing herself to swallow the words back down, she was grateful when Joe moved towards the counter.
‘How are you doing, Esther?’ Jess asked, taking one of the seats on the opposite side of the table. She pulled out a chair for Hope that would leave her sitting directly opposite Joe.
‘Well, all I can say is that this Clomid better be doing something, because it’s a pretty cruel drug otherwise.
It’s giving me so many symptoms that indicate pregnancy – a swollen abdomen, nausea, emotional outbursts and nipples that are suddenly so sensitive I can hardly bear to stand under the shower without cupping my boobs with my hands.
’ Esther managed a wry smile. ‘But the hot flushes are even worse. One of my biggest fears when I was having the fertility tests was that they’d say I’d gone into early menopause.
I remember how much Mum suffered with night sweats when she was going through that and I’ve got to admit, this is reigniting my fears. ’
‘With all the tests you’ve had, they’d know already if there was any sign of early menopause. So that’s one thing you definitely don’t need to worry about.’ Jess put a hand over Esther’s for a moment.
‘Rationally I know that, but there’s not much rational about this, is there?
I’d like to blame it on all the drugs I’m being pumped with, but it’s been like this ever since we started trying for a baby.
Poor Joe. I suspect I’ve been a bit of a nightmare to live with and, even worse than that, Danni felt she had to lie to me about her own pregnancy.
She’s my best friend and my sister-in-law and she had to tread on eggshells around me. I hate that I did that to her.’
‘I’m sure she understands. She just wanted to avoid hurting you and you shouldn’t see that as a bad thing.
’ Hope felt like biting off her tongue. She had no right to interject in this conversation.
She wasn’t even in a relationship, let alone trying for a baby and facing the possibility that it might never happen.
She wasn’t a friend of Esther or Joe’s, she barely knew them, and yet she couldn’t have been more invested in their situation.
The trouble was she couldn’t tell them why, which made what she’d said sound intrusive, and she dropped her gaze to stare at the table, waiting for Esther to brush her off, or tell her that she could never understand how hard this was. Except she didn’t.
‘Thank you, I hadn’t thought of it that way.
I really hope Danni realises now that she can tell me anything, but you’re right, she was just trying to protect me and I’m lucky to have someone like her in my life.
’ Esther paused for a moment and, as Hope finally looked up, she furrowed her brow.
‘Sorry, this is completely off topic, but the feeling hits me every time I see you. There’s just something about you that feels so familiar, as though we met before you came to St Piran’s.
It must be because you really remind me of someone else, but I can’t put my finger on who.
Are any of your family in healthcare? I’m just wondering whether I might have met one of them at another hospital. Maybe when I worked in London?’