Chapter 14 Labels
Leon
I'm in my second internet spiral of the week.
Apparently, what Dex and I did together this weekend is called frotting and is technically sex.
It really didn't feel like sex though, more like.
.. coming together? I'm a very corny motherfucker, but my pun game is on point.
I've spent the better part of the past few hours researching gay sex and now have an extensive knowledge of anal fissures.
I swear, the internet is a big-ass drama queen.
But back to the sex, it really felt more like cuddling or connecting in an intimate way.
Even with Dex's over-the-top reaction at the end.
Although I have a feeling I understand where he's coming from now.
A lot of guys on Reddit gave their accounts of having sexual experiences with "straight" guys and being put down afterwards.
It makes my blood boil to think that something similar happened to Dex.
Some of them were even hurt physically in the process and I want to find the assholes who acted that way and break their fucking jaws.
If the PR thing doesn't work out, I'll start my second career as a sniper and trigger all the bigots.
Thinking of my own past sexual experience, I can't help but see how vastly different I used to view sex.
With Jen, it was always penetrative sex, which towards the end of our relationship felt like a chore more than anything.
There was hardly any foreplay and she often kept her shirt on.
Guess that was due to the insecurities she mentioned, but I don't understand it, since I was always down for skin-to-skin contact and plenty of cuddles after.
Her attempts at spicing up our sex life last year just made me feel cheap and I missed the emotional connection.
With Dex, the intimacy was instant and despite knowing him for a short time, I felt closer to him than I ever did with Jen.
I might even try giving penetrative sex another go if Dex asks me, although I'm a bit skeptical.
I didn't really want the blowjob since he would have separated from me and I really wanted to melt him into my skin.
I would live there full-time. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Maybe we could give sixty-nine a go? When I think of taking Dex in my mouth, I'm a bit apprehensive, but if his dick tastes half as good as his lips or his neck, well you can slap a motor on me and call me a fan.
Eh, will see how it goes, but I can definitely say I'm a big fan of frotting.
I think I'll take charge next time and be the one on top of Dex.
Aaaand, now I'm getting hard. I contemplate texting Dex to see if he wants to come over, but I don't want to scare him with my clinginess.
Yet. Ryan's voice is going on in the back of my head screaming at me to be casual.
As if I came with that factory setting. Plus, I don't want him to feel like a booty call, I wanna court my man until he's madly in love with me and that's going to take some more dates.
Back to the internet we go! As I go to open a new tab, I give Reddit one more glance and see another thread about queer labels.
Huh, I'm surprised I haven't really thought of that.
I guess I'm bi? Think I can rule out gay, since Dexter is the only guy I've ever been attracted to and I did feel attraction to several girls, although not a lot of them either.
I'm familiar with the labels since my time with the LGBTQ+ club in college, but I never really looked closely at each of them and what they mean.
I switch to the new tab, but instead of jumping into date ideas, I start googling all the queer labels and go through their individual characteristics.
Spending a bit more time researching the bi aspect, I can see something called the Kinsey scale, where the numbers between one and five indicate varying degrees of bisexuality.
I was today years old when I realized there is so much more to being bi, and not a fifty-fifty split like my dumbass thought.
I start on the other labels as well to expand my knowledge on the subject.
Apparently, the full name now is LGBTQIA+, where the A stands for asexual/aromantic.
I can rule out aromantic from the get-go, however asexual is something that starts to dawn on me as something that could apply.
I always thought I was broken as a man who didn't have much of a sex drive and liked to cuddle instead, but it seems there are a lot of people who are wired like me.
While a lot of people identify as ace, most of the comments I read are from people who identify as demi, those who need an emotional connection to the person they want to have sex with, and only then do they feel sexual attraction.
Well, it applies and it doesn't? I definitely have needed the emotional attraction in the past and that was the main reason I only slept with Jen, despite dating a couple of girls before.
Guess the emotional side didn't develop fast enough for me to take that step with them.
But then, with Dexter, I didn't really feel a major emotional connection either.
It was a bit of insta-lust, wonder and a strong gravitational pull, although I did feel like I've known him forever and maybe that helped with feeling comfortable?
Ugh, this is so confusing. Maybe I don't need a label, though.
The closest I can come up with is queer and demi, but it's not exactly one hundred percent.
The people on Reddit all talk about everyone having a different experience though, so I'm probably just demi, but slightly off from the general description.
I pull out my chat with Ryan, hoping for some perspective.
[I think I'm demi.]
He only takes a few seconds to reply.
[Thank you for coming out to me, I appreciate your trust.]
I roll my eyes, like he could see me. Diplomatic Ryan has entered the chat room.
[Thanks, I appreciate you too, my friend. But I'm still a bit confused by it. I've done a lot of research tonight and this is the closest I came to, but it's not one hundred percent.]
[You don't need a label, bro. Stop stressing and embrace it. Unless it's not a good thing?]
[Nah, I'm being dramatic. It's fine and you're right about not needing a label.]
[I'm always right "wink emoji".
How are things with your man crush?]
[I'm being casual.]
[Bet that's taking all you have "crying laughing emoji"]
["Eyeroll emoji"]
[Ok, ok I'll stop the ribbing. But good?]
[Yeah, pretty good. We've done... stuff "halo emoji"]
[Oooooh, do tell.]
[Nope, not talking about it. Just going to say my eyes have been opened.]
[Good for you bro. Come by practice tomorrow and we'll catch up.]
[Still not talking about the sex, but will try to make time tomorrow.]
[Wait, actual sex?]
[Shit. Ignore that!!!!!]
[I'm getting it out of you tomorrow. Have a good night, bae!]
[You too " sigh emoji"]
I close my phone and rest my head on the top of the couch.
Me and my big mouth. I'm definitely not going to the practice now and for once it has nothing to do with my latent resentment.
As always, I've gotten way off track, so keeping my eyes on the prize, I close all the tabs I had opened on my laptop and finally start googling some date ideas for Dex and me.
There's still so much I don't know about him, but I can probably rule out sports stuff, since he doesn’t seem into them.
He does work out though, I felt all his hot, sweaty muscles on top of me.
Maybe hiking? I could take him upstate New York, where there are a few hiking trails in the forest outside my hometown.
We could do a weekend and maybe stay in a nice B&B.
I could even squeeze in a quick visit with my parents and they could meet Dex as well.
Fuck, it's supposed to be casual, you idiot.
Although I suppose I could introduce him as a friend.
That could work, right? We're technically not together and haven't had the exclusive talk.
What if he's still fucking other people?
What if they give him all the blowjobs and are not put off by penetrative sex?
My heart squeezes at the thought of Dex with other people and jealousy fills me from head to toe.
I need to lock him in before he bolts again. I really want to call him my boyfriend.
Before I can overthink it, I pick up my phone again and text Dexter this time.
[What are your thoughts on hiking on a scale of 1 to 10?]
[Uhm... a 6? I like exercising, not sure how I feel about nature, didn't spend much time outdoors when I was younger.]
I store that piece of puzzle in my Dexter box for later.
[What about camping? Did you enjoy that?]
[Never been]
["exploding head emoji"
Wait, so I get to pop your hiking AND camping cherry?]
[raised eyebrow emoji]
[Ok, ok. How would you feel about a long weekend away? Any way to get the time off?]
[I suppose I could once we add a third to the team. We're pretty swamped atm, with the new clients we gained.]
[Ok, what's the timeline on that?]
[Probably in the next 6 months.]
I feel the enthusiasm leaving my body... so much for my big plans. Don't really want to wait six months to take him away with me. I can see he's typing some more, but I'm disappointed right now.
[Although my boss keeps being on my case about never taking vacation days. Apparently, I have to take three days of PTO by the end of next month. I was just going to hang out at home and catch up on some things, but I could maybe take them as a long weekend?]
[YES! I could kiss you right now!]
Bubbles appear and disappear on the chat and I decide to beat him to it.
[I'll organize something for us and will let you know the details, just tell me which days you can do and leave the rest to me.]
[I feel like I'm going to regret this.]