Chapter 22 - Acceptance
Dex
I’ve been swimming in a far-away galaxy for the past few weeks. It doesn’t feel like I’m on Earth anymore.
Macy has been hounding me every day, trying to uplift my mood, but all I feel is numb inside. She’s the closest thing I have to a best friend, but even she doesn’t know many details about my childhood trauma. I worked hard to be the survivor I am today.
So why does it feel like I’m still the same broken child inside?
A therapist would have a field day with me at this point.
After attending the sessions with Dr. Sciend, I was pulled out of the heavy depression state I found myself in when my parents died.
Too bad he didn’t have time to fix my abandonment issues before he left me as well.
I know that he didn’t have a responsibility towards me.
My adult brain knows that now. But the kid in me still feels like he lost an important father figure too soon after the most traumatic event of his life.
I quickly learned how to pretend I was fine for the therapy sessions, how to portray a healthy individual.
I still had Mr. Grey at the time, who was a steady support in my otherwise tumultuous existence.
When he died as well, it didn’t hit as hard.
Guess what was broken couldn’t be broken again, even if more pieces disintegrated in the process.
I thought I had healed, or at least adjusted.
It’s not normal to hit this hard so many years later, unless something still lingers beneath the surface.
Guess Dr. Sciend would tell me I have PTSD or some shit.
And he just had to be Leon’s father. Out of all the fucking people on the planet, he just had to be related to my unicorn.
It makes sense now why Leon has always felt slightly familiar.
In my head at eleven years old, Dr. Sciend was going to adopt me and we would have lived happily ever after.
Leon and I could have been stepbrothers in another life.
Talk about awkward, since I don’t think I could have stayed away from him in any lifetime.
But guess I’m doing a good job at that, since I haven’t seen him face-to-face in weeks.
The shame is just too strong, I could never look into those sky-blue eyes and see the panic and pity I saw that last day.
Not from the only person in the world I truly love.
He still texts me every day, and it’s the one thing that’s keeping me grounded.
I know I’ll need to cut it off soon, but I can’t just yet.
Even when he’s not saying much, his texts are so fucking caring I bleed a little when I see them.
Doesn’t stop me from checking my phone twenty times a day like a masochist.
It’s Saturday and I’m in the office again, as I have been for almost every day since.
My workload has never looked lighter, seeing that I’ve done nothing but work, work and work since our weekend away.
There have been no more coffee breaks, however.
No more walks in the sunshine. I barely talk to the team anymore, and I’m certain Richard is one step from asking me out to lunch to have a chat with the amount of concerned looks I’ve been getting in our weekly catch-ups.
But I couldn’t speak to anyone about this, even if I wanted to.
It would involve telling the story from the start.
Funny enough, Leon is now the only person on the planet who knows anything resembling the full story and, sadly, he’s the one person I never wanted to know that part of me.
I should head home before it gets dark out, although nothing waits for me but loneliness.
Resigned, I pack my shit up and get ready to go.
A pat on the back is in order for managing not to check my phone in over an hour.
It’s weird that while I know the feelings will fade with time, they will never go away.
Not for the first time in days, I contemplate the two ways I could go about this.
One is telling Leon everything and waiting for the inevitable boot, when he comes to the realization that he deserves so much better.
Two would be asking him to continue as we were, without giving him the details that I’m dreading, being untruthful in the process.
It would have been one thing to hide all of my past if he had never known anything about it, but now he will always wonder and it would be unfair of me not to tell him.
And what would happen the next time I have to meet his parents?
He’ll always wonder if I don’t tell him.
I sigh again for the tenth time today, which seems like all I’m doing these days anyway.
I check my phone for the tenth time as well, not hoping for much.
Leon already texted in the morning to ask if I had a good night’s sleep.
The answer will forever be no, Leon. Not as long as I’m not in your bed.
I’m surprised, however, to find another text waiting from Leon today and it’s a long one. I sit stunned in silence for the next hour while I read it over and over again.
[Hi Dex,
Hope you’re doing ok. To be honest, I’m not ok.
I haven’t been ok since I was showing you around Kingston that day.
I know you asked for space and I respect that, but it’s getting harder and harder to wait.
It hurts more every day and it’s not getting any better.
Don’t know if you forgot about me already, but it doesn’t seem possible for me to ever forget you.
I love you so much Dex and I’m not done.
Not even by a long shot. I’ll wait as long as you need, even if it hurts me to. I hope you know this is it for me.
I’ll be at Bean There coffee shop in Brooklyn tomorrow at 10am if you want to meet me. Please give us a chance, that’s all I ask. I know we’ll work it out if we can talk.
Miss you.]
It’s almost ten and I’m still walking up and down the street to Bean There.
I would have been early if I had the actual balls to go inside.
I must’ve walked away from the coffee shop three times now, only to walk back towards it.
I’m a weak man, as much as I know I’m not good for Leon, I still want to see him.
Seems being a masochist is my full-time fucking job right now.
Just rip the band-aid, that’s all I have to do.
I’ll tell him everything and watch him let me go.
It will break me, but I’ve been broken before.
What I won’t live with is breaking Leon in the process.
He’s a beautiful human being and should always be happy.
Yes, that’s what we’re doing. I will my feet to move and walk into the coffee shop, finding Leon sitting down in a corner with two drinks in front, legs bouncing uncontrollably.
His perfect eyes draw on me and that’s it, hook, line and sinker.
I’m sat down at the table in an instant.
“Thank you for coming. I got you a flat white.” Leon says with a bright look and hopeful eyes.
I’m really beating myself up about this.
I’ve never wanted to be the one to hurt my perfect unicorn, but sitting here now, I realize this is quickly becoming my worst nightmare.
It’s for the best, I remind myself. He deserves someone stronger, someone who can match his inner beauty and give him the life that he deserves. A life in the light.
“Leon? Oh my God, it is you!” A high-pitched voice sounds from somewhere to the left of me and I turn to check who spoke.
Leon gives me a quick panicked look, eyes wide as he turns to look at the woman who appeared at his side.
She’s on the smaller side and conventionally attractive, with thick wavy brown hair and pretty blue eyes, a curvy body, while still looking slim.
She’s dressed to the nines in designer clothes, looking like a socialite and completely out of place in this cozy cafe.
Even I’m dressed in jeans and a button-down today, all black, but still.
“You look so good, Leon. I’m happy to see the break-up hasn’t affected you too much.” She says in a tone meant to sound caring, but it comes out downright villainous.
“Excuse me?” I ask, dumbfounded and equally enraged. The audacity of this woman. I have a feeling I know exactly who she is. My hand immediately forms a fist on the table.
“Dex.” Leon whispers and puts his hand over mine on the table. I’m stuck on the warm feeling of his skin on mine and how good it feels. Nothing has felt this good in what feels like forever.
Her eyes clock on the movement and a self-satisfied smile blooms on her face. She looks like she just won the jackpot.
“Ah, it all makes sense now. Rude of you to keep me as a beard for years, Leon. But I guess this explains everything. I was never the problem.” She announces triumphantly, as Leon is left gaping at her, stunned into silence.
I will not stand for anyone talking this way to Leon. Doesn’t matter what is going on with us at the moment. My rage is at a level that knows no bounds, and I’m no longer pulling my punches.
“Listen here, missy. I would be overjoyed if Leon were gay, but he isn’t.
What he is, however, is none of your fucking business.
Not with what you did to him. How dare you waltz in here with that condescending attitude and tell him he looks good?
He looks good in spite of you. And I don’t want to hear you justify your pettiness by bringing up his sexuality, which frankly has nothing to do with you.
Now crawl back to whatever hellhole you came from.
I never want to see your fucking smug face again. ”
I’m absolutely fuming with unrestrained anger.
There’s so much silence around me you could hear a pin drop.
I know I just made a scene in a busy coffee shop and everyone is staring.
But none harder than Leon, who is now gaping at me, mouth so wide a cuckoo bird could fly in and make a nest in it.
His eyes hold such a mixture of awe and admiration, it floors me.
I’ll always stand up for him, but I don’t deserve the look he’s giving me.
So I do what I do best, I run. I barely hear Jen huff at my words as I leave the chair and make my way to the door of the shop.
I’m out on the street in under thirty seconds and start to power walk, where to I have no idea.
If someone comes in my face right now they’re getting socked in the eye, I have barely any control left with how angry I feel.
“Dex!” I hear from behind and see Leon running after me. I slow my pace instinctively and start speaking before he’s even in front of me.
“I’m so sorry. I got so fucking mad. That piece of shit human being had no right to speak to you that way and I lost it.
I didn’t mean to cause a scene, but I…” I don’t get to finish my sentence as Leon latches onto me, big arms around my whole frame and soft lips on my mouth.
I’m in Heaven, or rather, I’m back down to Earth with my unicorn.
He kisses me forcefully for seconds or minutes, I’m not sure. I’m lost in the sensation of him.
“I don’t care.” He whispers once he breaks from me. “I don’t care about her, all I care about is you. God, I missed you. So. Fucking. Much.” He goes and squeezes me tighter, placing his face in the crook of my neck.
“Leon, stop.” I tell him, dread pooling in my belly. I try to disentangle from him, but he’s not letting go.
“No. I’m done with the space, Dex. You’ve had enough and now it’s time to come back to me, where you belong.” He tells me confidently, reminding me of our first date in the park.
“I can’t be what you need, Leon. You’ll find someone else who will make you much happier.” I tell him, even though it’s eating at me to imagine someone else holding him and kissing those perfect lips. I feel like I’m about to vomit just at the thought of it, even if it’s not fair.
“You already are!” He half shouts in indignation. “Dex, I love you. Nothing’s changed for me and nothing will. I don’t care about anything in your past. I know who you are now and I love you.”
“You don’t know me though, not what I’ve been through. I’m not the person I show on the outside, Leon. I’m a broken, sad, pathetic man and I’m so undeserving of you.” Hopefully he understands now.
“I told you, I don’t care. You think I’m this confident, charming guy all the time?
I’m faking it, Dex, because I’m shaking in my boots half the time.
I question every little thing I do or say.
But one thing I know for certain is that I’m not letting this go.
If you need more time, I’ll wait. But I’m not going anywhere.
” He squeezes me tighter, not an inch of me left that is not touching him.
“You don’t get it, Leon.” I whisper into his hair. “You’re like the sun, you shine so brightly it’s blinding. And all I am is darkness.”
“If I’m the sun, then you’re the moon, baby.
And I’ll shine on you every day for the rest of my life.
” He whispers back and tears I didn’t know I was holding back start streaming down my face.
Goddamn Leon and his kind words that are ripping me apart.
I can feel my walls crumbling down now, one by one, having no chance against the stampeding unicorn.
I feel the featherlight touch of his lips on my cheeks, clearing the salty water away.
He murmurs I love you over and over again, as if embedding it into my skin.
I’m a puddle on the floor, no defenses left, overcome by a feeling that flushes my whole body and screams of something that feels like acceptance.
And I know, in this moment and for the rest of time, I’m not letting him go either.
“I love you, too.” I whisper and take his mouth in the first kiss of the rest of our lives.