Chapter 21 Revelation #2
I’m meeting Ryan today and not really looking forward to it, but he’s already clocked on the fact that I’m not being myself from our brief texts.
Plus, I haven’t seen him in weeks either, so it was due.
No matter what I’m going through, I know my friendship with Ryan is important and I will always value it.
But I don’t want him to see my face. I don’t want him to ask about it.
And I especially don’t want to have to say the words aloud.
I’m walking to Bean There, mind in the clouds, each step feeling heavier than the next.
What am I supposed to say, I wonder? Have I been dumped again?
I’m not even sure, although the signs sure point that way.
Asking someone for space usually doesn’t end up well, even my clueless ass knows that.
Is this really the end? It’s only been a few short months, but it feels like I’m losing a part of me that I always had.
That’s what my relationship with Dexter felt like, permanent and safe.
I could see us growing old together so clearly and now, all I’m left with is uncertainty and a giant hole in my chest that hurts a little bit more with each passing day.
They say time heals all wounds, but I’ve only felt the wound get bigger in the last few weeks.
Slowly, steadily, like a rip in fabric that gets pulled with every movement, until it inevitably tears apart fully.
I see Ryan at our favorite table again and I’m almost smiling.
If only I didn’t forget how. Small victories, I guess.
At least one thing in my life is still consistent.
I take a long breath and open the door to the cafe.
It feels like I’m ready to plunge into the deep end.
Ryan gets up as soon as he sees me and wordlessly takes me into a tight hug that warms me from the inside out.
There’s no doubt in my mind that he knew something was up and how much I needed some love.
I’m trying really hard not to start sobbing on his shoulder, so I gently push him back and nod towards the chair.
We take our seats, but I can’t find any words to give him, so I start simple.
“Thanks, I needed that.” I tell him.
“Sure thing, bud. I’m here for you.” He says, as if obvious.
I just nod. Every instance I took his friendship for granted in the past comes to mind and sends another stab to my chest.
“So, not to state the obvious, but something’s up.” Ryan says gently.
“Yeah,” I respond. There are long moments of silence where I try to find some way to phrase my next sentence. Ryan just waits patiently, like the saint that he is.
“Something happened on the trip and now Dex is pulling away from me.” I phrase it as best as possible, avoiding saying I’ve been dumped. I’m holding to that last bit of hope with my fucking teeth.
“Start from the beginning.” Ryan instructs with his infuriating cool.
“Well, the trip was a success, up until the end anyway. We had the most amazing time, Ryan. I can’t even begin to explain how good it was.
I haven’t had or wanted to have that much sex in my life before, because with Dex, it always feels like love.
He told me he loved me, you know? I mean, I figured he had strong feelings, but I was completely overjoyed that he loved me back.
I was all I ever wanted.” I tell him and stop before jumping into the heart-wrenching bit.
Ryan is nodding thoughtfully. “I mean, I saw you two together at the gala and the next day at the rink. If that isn’t true love, I don’t know what it is.”
“Yeah, hold your horses. We’re probably broken up and I have no fucking clue again.”
“Ok, so what happened next? He said he loves you and you said it back, then…” He waits for me to continue. I take a big gulp from the coffee Ryan kindly bought me before I got here.
“We were having a fantastic morning after the most romantic night of my life. We packed up the tent and I showed him my hometown. It felt really magical for the entire time, like we were dazzled by each other, or something. Then we went to meet my parents and everything went to shit.” I pause again to lubricate my throat, since I feel the knots starting to form.
“Did they not get along?” Ryan asks, a bit confused. He knows my parents and knows they’re good people.
“They didn’t even meet properly. Turns out Dex was a patient of my dad’s when he was younger and went through some major shit.
It seems like seeing dad brought something to the surface.
He was panicking Ryan, he was full on shaking and it was almost as scary as when mom had the cancer thing.
I could do nothing to help him, absolutely nothing.
” I break down on a sob on the last words, some tears managing to make it down my face.
He moves his chair to my side quickly and takes me in his arms again. I take a few minutes to calm down, breathing deeply in and out. When I feel marginally better, I give Ryan a hard squeeze and pull back.
“I… I was so confused. Dex left shortly after and my dad explained very briefly that he was a patient and had been through something difficult, but I didn’t want to hear more from him.
So I went to find Dex and was so happy when I saw he calmed down.
He seemed out of it, so I figured he needed some time to collect his thoughts and would talk to me.
But he just asked me to take him home and then asked for space. From me.”
“Wow, I’m so sorry, Leon. Sounds like you both went through it that day.” Ryan supplies caringly.
“Understatement. Anyway, I’ve been giving him space, physically at least. I text him every day and he answers back with a yes or a no, but that’s all I’ve gotten for weeks. I’m drowning Ryan, I don’t know what to do.” I tell him, utterly defeated.
Ryan stares me in the eyes and his expression gets very serious before he says in a commanding tone, “You fight.”
I’m stunned into silence for a moment, not sure where this came from. Where is my friend, the chillest human on the planet?
“That’s unexpected. If anything, I thought you would tell me to respect his request and give him more space. You didn’t tell me to fight for Jen when we broke up and that was a five-year relationship, not barely there two months.”
“Fuck that, bro. You don’t fuck around with true love.
You fight for that shit. Jen was never the one and you know it.
Even if I did like her, I never would have wanted you to stay with her.
You were such a subdued version of yourself during that whole relationship, but with Dexter you truly shine.
So, You.Will.Fight.” He punctuates every one of the last three words after delivering the speech of the century. Who knew Ryan was such a romantic?
“I don’t know how to fight,” I tell him honestly. “Every time I was acting confident with Dex, I was mostly faking it, because I was so desperate to have him. As a friend first and
then so, so much more.”
“Nothing’s changed then. Keep doing it the same, just amp the volume. Fake it ‘til you make it, bro.” He gives me his most dazzling smile with full dimples on display, before he continues. “But don’t get me wrong, I will punch him if he breaks your heart. You’re still my number one, boo.”
I lean over to hug him something fierce. I don’t deserve Ryan. I definitely don’t deserve Dexter, but I will pretend until the end. The revelation suddenly hits that I’ll do absolutely anything to get him back.
Ryan and I talk a bit more before I head home to think about my game plan. For the first time in weeks, I feel energised. Time to write the longest text of my life.