Chapter 21 Revelation
Leon
I’m watching the Dexter-shaped hole that he left in the front door in disbelief.
So many emotions circle through my mind, I have no idea what I’m feeling. I’m so overwhelmed. Something obviously went very wrong just now. And Dad knows Dexter? I turn my face towards Dad, I know I need to go after him as quickly as possible, but I need an explanation.
“Dad, what was that?” I ask him quickly, before looking back at the front door like Dex might walk back in.
“Sorry, Leon. Dexter was a patient a long time ago, when I was doing a rotation with child protection services. He went through a really rough time and I helped him through it, but I had to refer him to another psychiatrist when your mom had that cancer scare.” He looks apologetic, but I’ve heard enough.
I raise a hand to stop him from speaking.
“That’s fine, but I don’t want to hear it from you. I want to hear it from him. I have to go right now.”
“Leon, there was serious trauma there. Maybe it’s best to…” Dad starts to say, but I interrupt quickly, since I don’t like where this is going.
“I’m not abandoning him. I have to go!” I say more forcefully while I start putting my shoes back on.
“Ok, sweetie. Let us know when you find him.” Mom pipes up and I’m really grateful.
“Will do.” I say as I leave the house and start running.
I’m hoping he’s by the car, but no such luck.
I’m so lost, desperation clawing at me. I just need to find him and tell him everything’s fine.
I don’t care about things from sixteen years ago.
I know who Dexter is now and he’s my person.
I start running down the street in a panic.
He can’t have gone far. God, I hope not.
He doesn’t really know the town and could easily get lost. I’m running so fast I almost pass a lone figure sitting hunched on a bench by the water. I would know him anywhere, though.
“Dex.” I whisper a bit breathless from the running.
He doesn’t turn to look at me and I take a seat next to him on the bench gently, trying not to startle him.
His eyes are downcast and he still seems somewhat frozen in place. At least he doesn’t seem to be panicking anymore and is breathing fine. I was scared shitless back at the house when he seemed to be having a panic attack.
“Dex, please talk to me.” I start again, trying to get through to him.
I finally get a glimpse of his eyes as he lifts his face from the ground, but they’re cold and lifeless. Distant, as if he’s not really here.
“You know?” He asks quietly.
I nod a bit and watch his eyes turn down again.
I go to grab his hand, but stop myself at the last second.
“Dad started saying something, that you were a patient, but I stopped him before he got too far. I told him I wanted to hear it from you.” I say in a gentle tone, trying not to let the desperation seep through.
“How much?” He asks in the same monotone voice.
“How much what?” I ask, in confusion.
“How much did he say?”
“Just what I told you earlier, nothing more. Please talk to me, I’m really worried right now.” I plead again, but I can see how little chance of success I really have. He won’t even look at me.
“It’s fine. I can’t do lunch, though. Can we just go?” He asks, without looking at me.
“Anything you want, but can we talk a bit first? Please, Dex.” I try going for another small push.
“Not right now.” He declares, essentially cutting me off. There’s no more room for discussion.
He gets up and starts walking to the car, not waiting to see if I’m following.
Not that there was ever any question to begin with.
I’m wracking my brain on what to say next.
I need to put him at ease, even if we don’t talk about it now.
God, I’m completely out of my depth here.
We reach the car in a few minutes and he just stands by the passenger door, not looking at me again.
I unlock the car and he gets in, pulling his seatbelt over.
I’m torn trying to figure out what to do, I look back towards the house, but decide I’ll just text them that we left.
If Dex needs to put some distance right now, I can give him that.
I get in the car as well and pull out my own seatbelt, clicking it in place, but don’t make a move to start driving. The silence that mounts in the small space becomes unbearable, suffocating, like a thick fog that envelops everything until you can’t see what’s in front of you.
“Please, Dex.” I try one last time, my tone cautious, like approaching a scared animal.
“I can’t right now, Leon. Just drive.” His voice breaks on the words and it hurts deep in my chest to hear him like this.
I’m so desperate for anything, but I get nothing at all as I start driving the almost three hours back to New York.
Dexter doesn’t look at me once the whole drive, doesn’t move an inch in his seat, just mindlessly watches out the window for the entire time until I’m parked in front of his building.
He must be deep in memories since he doesn’t notice we’ve arrived at first. I’m so scared of doing or saying the wrong thing.
I have to respect his boundaries, since he’s obviously hurting right now.
While I’m not sure what happened, I know Dad dealt with some pretty heavy cases in his career and specializes in PTSD and helping abuse victims. He doesn’t ever give us details on his cases because of doctor-patient confidentiality, so he couldn’t tell me the whole story with Dex even if he wanted to.
But I don’t think this is registering with Dex in his state.
I gently place my hand on his, where it’s resting in his lap.
He still doesn’t move for a few seconds until I give him a squeeze and I finally see the deep forest green again for the first time in a few hours.
But it’s the same as on the bench, I can’t see him when he looks at me.
It’s a watered-down version, like a dummy left in place as a decoy, while the real thing went somewhere else.
“We’re here.” I say softly.
He nods and looks around, clocking on his carry-on still in the backseat. I can see he’s planning a swift escape as his hand slips from mine. I’m torn between giving him space and pushing a bit more. I really don’t want to leave him alone in this state.
“Can I come up?” I ask, trying to paste a smile on my face that I don’t feel in the slightest.
“Not today.” He says quickly, moving to unclip the seatbelt, one hand on the car door handle already.
“I don’t think you should be alone, Dex. Just for a little while?” I ask, hopeful, even though I know what answer I’m getting by the way his eyes drop from mine.
He just shakes his head left and right a few times before exhaling heavily. Then he takes the final blow and splits my heart in half, saying, “I need some space.”
I don’t even get a chance to reply before he slides from the seat and is gone out the door for a second time today.
I barely hear the back door opening and the sound of him dragging his carry-on to the entrance of the building.
I’m left stunned in place, processing the fact that he needs space from me.
It wasn’t us against the world like I thought, I wasn’t some knight in shining armour, protecting him and escorting him back to a safe place. I’m the one he needs to escape from.
It’s over half an hour before I drive away, since holding out on hope that Dex will come back, which proves futile.
The drive back to my apartment is a daze of disbelief and disappointment.
My brain has gone numb once I realized who Dex was running away from and the only thing it’s been able to do is replay today over and over again.
How a day could have started so well and ended this badly.
If someone asked me last night if I ever thought this would happen, I would have laughed at them outloud.
Especially after exchanging I love you. Guess who was wrong, yet again. Seems like a theme with me.
I should start clearing the Jeep since I need to give it back tomorrow morning, but I don’t have the energy. All I can do is crash in bed and give in to the numbness. Maybe this was all just a nightmare and when I wake up, Dex will still be in my arms.
It’s been a couple of weeks since my weekend away with Dex, and I’m still not in a better place compared to the day he walked away from me.
The days come and go, I wake up in the morning and leave for work every day, do my job, then come home in the evening.
I’m still completely numb throughout each passing day.
I’ve been working hard to give Dex the space he asked for.
It’s a struggle every day not to march up to his place and ask the most heartbreaking question.
If we’re still us. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I haven’t done it yet.
I still go to the coffee place every morning, hoping to see him, but he hasn’t come in since.
He hasn’t cut off contact completely and that’s a silver lining if I ever heard one.
It’s also the one thing that keeps me going.
He responds to my texts every day, albeit with one-word replies again.
It’s the only lifeline I’m given. He’s not initiated contact since and I keep persisting on keeping this connection alive no matter how much it takes from me.
I ask him simple things, if he slept ok, if he ate enough and so on.
Can’t lie, it’s wearing me down though. I don’t know what to do to bring him back. If only I knew what the actual problem was, I could work through it with him. He’s worth that and so much more.