Chapter 26
He woke with his face in Blue’s hair. Jay had slept long and deep for the first time in a long while. She was clearly still sleeping because her breathing was slow and even, and he had to say waking up with Blue Jay McAllister could become his new favorite occupation.
Searching his memories, he tried to recall if he’d ever woken with a woman in his arms and couldn’t find one. This was his first time, and one he would never forget. Last night was another.
He wanted this woman with a need that came from deep inside Jay. She grounded him. He didn’t know how that had happened, or why it was with one of the hippie McAllisters, but they often say you can’t choose who you love.
Love? Surely not.
But he could feel it inside him. This awakening of emotion that he’d never thought he’d feel with a woman. And Blue was carrying his child which added another layer to the intensity of what he was feeling.
Jay fought the urge to slide his hand down her body to rest it on the soft curve of her stomach.
She smelled good. There was always a scent lingering in the air when Blue was near—subtle, sweet, and all hers.
He lay there with her body inches from his with thoughts rolling through his head. Jay didn’t know what it all meant. Didn’t know what the future held.
There was his sister, who Blue was urging him to do something about, and he hadn’t. There was a baby to consider, and the fact that its mother hadn’t committed to staying here in Lyntacky.
He didn’t want her to raise his child somewhere else. The realization hit him hard. He needed her to stay here in Lyntacky with him. Jay just wasn’t sure how to convince her that was best for her.
As his body was reacting predictably to having a beautiful naked woman inches away from it, he eased out of bed. He grabbed yesterday’s shorts, then headed out of his bedroom and softly closed the door behind him.
After pulling on the shorts, he made his way to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth.
Jay then headed downstairs.
He put the coffee on and waited as the black gold spurted into a mug. Taking that and his phone, he headed out the front door to sit on the step and watch the sun rise.
What he loved about this place was the peace. When he left Lyntacky, he usually stepped into the chaos of a big city with lots of noise. Not here, however.
“Morning, Jay!”
“Ah, what the hell are you two doing?”
Red and Dee Heckler were passing the end of his driveway in exercise gear. Jay could say, hand on heart, never in his lifetime had he witnessed Dee dressed in anything that wasn’t suggestive. Today she had her chest covered—a chest that most of the population of Lyntacky was well acquainted with.
“Getting fit,” Dee said.
He noted she was still wearing makeup, and her lashes, even from where he was sitting, were a mile long.
“D-Dr. said I had to,” Red wheezed.
Into view, then, came their kids, all on bikes.
“The sun hasn’t risen fully yet. You dragged your kids out of their beds to run?” Jay protested on their behalf.
“They wake up before us,” Dee called. “You want to join us?”
Not in this lifetime or the next. “I’m good, thanks, Dee,” Jay said.
Red shot him a look that suggested he’d much rather be sitting beside Jay than speed walking, but he was doing as he was told.
Jay watched the Hecklers until they’d disappeared and then shook his head. Wait until I tell Dan about this one.
Next to pass by was Ally, the eldest of the next generation of Dukes, and one of Brody and Phoebe’s kids. She saw him and waved, then turned her bike into his driveway.
“What are you doing awake, Ally? I thought teenagers were grumpy in the mornings and didn’t wake up until midday.”
She’d always been a kid that wore color. Not only that, she had an unusual fashion sense, and Jay was glad to see age hadn’t changed that.
Today’s outfit was brown shorts and a purple-and-white polka-dot shirt. On her feet were sneakers and on her head a purple helmet with white daisies all over it.
“I’m working at the cafe today,” she said, stopping, still straddling her bike.
“Nice? You saving for anything in particular?” Jay loved this kid. He was in her life from the start, and she’d been his introduction to parenting—not that he’d done much, but he’d watched while her father and uncles had.
“I want a new laptop, and Dad said I have to work to earn some of the money.”
“What a meany.”
“Right?” Ally agreed. “He could just go out and buy it, but he’s always lecturing me on how much more I’ll appreciate things if I use my money to buy them.”
“He’s a terrible father,” Jay said solemnly.
“I’m not allowed my phone after I get home from school either. I have to do”—she raised her hands in the air and made finger quotes—“kids’ stuff, like playing outside.”
“He’s the worst,” Jay added.
“Phoebe read some study on how bad screens are for kids, and Dad thought it made sense. I don’t.”
When Ally screwed up her face like that, she looked like the eight-year-old she’d once been.
“I guess you’re setting a good example for your little bro, though.”
“I guess, but Leo’s only young still.”
“Right, and you’re so old, so there’s that.”
Ally poked out her tongue. “Gotta go, Uncle Jay.”
“Have a good day, Ally.”
She didn’t move, just studied him.
“What?”
“I like Blue Jay McAllister. I think she’s a nice fit for you, Uncle Jay.”
“Why do you think she’s a nice fit for me?”
“Because you’re nice too. See ya.”
With a golf ball sized lump in his throat, he sat there watching her coltish legs peddle away from him. Because you’re nice too.
“Hey.”
He looked behind him and found Blue dressed in a long T-shirt—his T-shirt, he noted. Her hair was a mess, eyes squinty. Something tightened inside his chest.
I’m so gone.
“Hey, you.”
She came to his step and dropped down beside him. Blue then took his mug and drank deep.
“That’s still hot.”
“Hmm.”
When she lowered her head to his shoulder, every muscle in his body stiffened. Jay forced himself to relax. Couples did this kind of thing all over the world.
But you never have.
“So mornings are not your thing, Blue Jay?”
“They used to be,” she said around a yawn.
He fought the need to kiss the top of her head. A Duke would, and it would be natural and right. Jay felt awkward in the realm of closeness. Yes, the Dukes were close and had forced it on him, too, but it didn’t come easily.
One, two, three, he counted slowly in his mind and then kissed the top of her head.
“Want me to fill that up?” The words came out choked.
“Please.”
“Saltines?” he added as she lifted her head off his shoulder.
“No. I’m good, thanks.”
He took the empty mug she handed him and headed inside. Only when he was out of earshot and in the kitchen did he exhale slowly.
“You’ve got this, Jay,” he muttered. “Small steps.”
After filling up the mugs again, he added cream and sugar to Blue’s before heading back outside. Retaking his space beside her, he then handed her the mug.
“It’s nice here,” she said. “Normal.”
He looked at the street with its neat houses and knew what she meant. They’d both been raised in homes that were nothing that could come close to being termed normal.
“You like normal?” he asked. Their shoulders brushed as he raised his mug.
“You know how I was raised, right? Normal was a cuss word in my household,” she said.
He looked at Blue then. “What was your childhood like?”
Other people’s childhoods had always intrigued Jay—particularly when he was younger because his own had been so shitty. He would imagine how different things might have been. Alone in his room, he’d close his eyes and build the life he wanted, piece by piece.
“You have a nice family—okay, so your brothers can be a bit hotheaded, but still good people.”
She nodded in answer to that. “We had to do chores, and they included taking scraps to the chickens and putting the compost on the gardens. Repurposing and repairing items rather than replacing things. Normal stuff for us, but not so much anyone else back then.”
“Was it hard being a McAllister?”
She leaned her head on his shoulder again with a yawn, and he was ready for it this time. Relished it, even.
Which says what about you, weirdo? That a simple gesture like this undoes you. The sad truth was, it did. Until that moment, he hadn’t realized how much distance physically he’d put between himself and women.
His friends and the Dukes hugged Jay, and the women kissed him. They were touchers, and he’d gotten used to that, but not with anyone else.
Jay had made himself an emotional island, but he hadn’t realized he was in need of a life raft until Blue threw him one.
“Not hard, exactly,” she said, “because there was always love and plenty of fun, plus I had my siblings, but it was different.” She cradled her mug between her hands.
“I remember desperately wanting a pair of labeled sneakers like Cill or Nina had. Or a pink party dress that had a skirt that twirled when I did.”
Jay laughed at that.
“Hey, you try going to an eight-year-old’s birthday party in a kaftan that was made from a used bedsheet. Mom had stitched flowers around the hem and cuffs. Most people were good about it, but that shithead Barry Brown made fun of me because my brothers weren’t there to give him a hiding.”
“What a rat,” Jay said.
“Dad and me had taken one of Mom’s old necklaces and restrung a bracelet for the party girl’s birthday gift.”
“That’s pretty cool.”
“It was, actually. The real issues started for me when I wanted to do things like shave my legs and pluck my eyebrows.” She sighed loudly. “You would have thought I was going to start eating meat.”
“You do eat meat,” Jay pointed out.
“Now I do, but not back then.”
He sat there while she told him stories about her childhood that to him sounded wonderful, but Jay knew they wouldn’t have been easy for a kid to handle.
“I know I sound ungrateful, but you did ask,” Blue said suddenly.
“No, I get it,” he said. “You never want to stand out or be different from the other kids your age when you’re young.”
She lifted her head again and looked at him. “I’m sorry you were different, Jay.”
“It’s okay. I’m all right now and pretty similar to others.” He tried to smile, but Jay could feel that it didn’t reach his eyes. “What birthday cake did you want most in the world?” he asked her.
“A Barbie cake, but we didn’t really do frosting, as it was full of sugar. How about you, Jay? What cake did you want?”
She probably thought he wasn’t going to answer, but then he said softly, “A racing car cake.” No matter how hard he’d tried to mask it, he could hear the long-lost child he’d been in those words. The longing for something he knew he’d never get.
“Nice. Lynx would have enjoyed that too,” Blue said.
“Not Finch?”
“No, he liked motorcycles.”
“I can see that actually,” he said.
“Jay, I think you should make contact with Hazel. I could do it if—”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to discuss this, Blue. When and if I do, then that’s on me, not you.”
He could feel himself withdrawing from her. Backing away emotionally and physically.
“Did you tell Dan?”
Blue wasn’t someone who gave up easily, and he guessed that was a leftover from her childhood too. But Jay had leftovers from his childhood also, and one of those was that when he felt under threat, his shields came up.
“I have to work.” He got up off the step, where he’d sat in that morning light with Blue’s head on his shoulder, and walked away, because it was what he knew how to do well.