Chapter 30 #2
“I have a half sister, Robyn. I found out through the DNA kit Dan got me.”
“Oh, Jay.” Her hand flew to her chest. “That’s wonderful.”
“You’d think it would be.” He took another swallow of coffee, more to buy time than because he wanted it. “But all I could think was… what if she’s like that woman?”
He couldn’t say “mother.” The word got stuck. Jay felt Robyn’s eyes on the side of his face. Steady. Unwavering.
“Now you listen to me carefully, Jay, because I need you to understand this.”
He shot her a look. Her eyes were narrowed slightly. Never a good sign.
“You are nothing like your mother. So chances are, neither is your half sister. Something inside the woman who birthed you was broken from the start, but you are not. Understood?”
“Yes, Robyn.”
She leaned closer. “Look at me.”
He did.
“You are not broken, and you are not doomed to repeat her mistakes. You are not going to wake up one day and realize you’ve turned into her.”
Her words cut to the heart of what he’d often believed.
“Sometimes it feels like it,” he admitted quietly. “Like there’s something in my blood that’s just… wrong. I lose my temper, or I shut down, and I think—that’s it. That’s what she was like. Cold. Angry. Selfish.”
Robyn’s hand came down on his knee, warm and steady.
“Jay Haddon, I have watched you show up for this family again and again. I’ve watched you put other people first when you had every reason not to trust anyone.
I’ve seen you sit with Dan when he was hurting, and stand beside Asher when things got rough, and look at Ally with the love we all feel.
That’s not selfish and definitely not cold. ”
He looked away again because her faith in him was almost too much to bear.
“I don’t know how to be a father,” he said. The words were barely above a whisper. “I didn’t have one, so I don’t have a blueprint. What if I mess it up and hurt my kid without meaning to?”
Robyn’s grip tightened.
“Then you ask for advice when you need it. Always apologize when you’re wrong, and show up for them, Jay, even on the days you don’t have the energy to.
That’s the blueprint. That’s it. Parenting right is hard.
There is no getting around that fact. Showing up and being in your kids’ lives full time isn’t easy, but it’s the best job that I ever had. ”
He let out a shaky breath.
“You’re already worried about hurting your child. That tells me everything I need to know. It tells me you care, and that’s step one.”
Silence filled the car, thick and heavy, but it wasn’t suffocating.
“I love her,” Jay said suddenly. He needed to go to her now and tell her that.
The words startled even him. They’d been circling his mind for weeks, but saying them out loud felt like stepping off a cliff.
Robyn’s smile bloomed slowly, then filled her entire face.
“Oh, Jay, I could not be happier for you,” she whispered.
“I’ve loved her for a while, but I thought it was too soon to feel like that.”
“But you’ve known each other since you were children. Maybe you weren’t close, but you grew up together, and that counts for a lot.”
“I think I just didn’t want to admit it. Because if I say it, if I let myself… then I can lose her, Robyn. And I don’t think I’d survive that.”
“You don’t get to control love by keeping it quiet,” Robyn said gently. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“When she told Dan about my half sister, I pushed her away because I’d convinced myself she’d betrayed me and that it was proof Blue could hurt me and couldn’t be trusted.”
“That’s honest,” she said.
He laughed softly. “Yeah. Doesn’t make it better.”
“No. But it makes it fixable.”
He stared at his hands. “What if she doesn’t believe me anymore? What if I’ve already done too much damage?”
Robyn reached up and cupped his face, forcing him to look at her again.
“Blue Jay McAllister is strong. She’s stubborn. And she loves you. Dan told me that, and he’s not the most insightful of my kids. Birdie also believes you and Blue are perfect for each other.”
Hope flared inside him.
“You need to go to her,” Robyn continued. “Not with half-truths and fear. Tell her you’re scared and you don’t know how to do this, but you want to learn. Tell her you want to build a home with her and your baby.”
He nodded slowly.
“You two have months to grow into this together before the baby comes, Jay. Parenthood doesn’t arrive fully formed the day that child is born. It grows, just like they do.”
Jay’s chest felt tight, but in a different way now, with less panic and more hope.
“What if I’m not enough?” he asked quietly.
Robyn smiled through suspiciously bright eyes.
“Then you grow into enough. And if you stumble, you have us. This family doesn’t let people fall alone.”
The weight of that settled over him. Family. He’d never thought he’d have one. Not of his making.
“Blue Jay and that baby are not a test you’re destined to fail,” Robyn said. “They are a gift. One you’re more than capable of cherishing.”
“I want to be better than what I came from,” he said solemnly.
“You already are. Now drink your coffee, and I’ll take you to the game because that’s where she will be.” Finally, she started the car.
The fear was still there, but for the first time, hope was stronger.
“Thank you, Robyn. I needed this talk,” he said.
“Good.”
“And I’m going to come clean with Blue and tell her everything.”
Robyn reached over and squeezed his hand. “That’s my boy.”
And for the first time in a long while, Jay thought he just might be someone worth believing in.