Chapter 11
Nicholas
“Ican’t believe you adopted them.”
The pups slept soundly. They had their own beds, but chose to cuddle up together. They also had an array of chew toys now scattered around Gabriel’s living room.
“Do you know how much responsibility this is?”
“I’m hoping you’ll help me with that.”
Nicholas gave him a sidelong glance. “Is that why you took them? Because you thought it would get you more access to me?”
His words lacked heat. He was too happy to be upset by Gabriel’s motivations. His boys now had a home.
“I won’t lie and say that the idea of seeing you more often didn’t cross my mind, but I was driven by your joy. They make you happy.”
“They do. Thank you.”
Maxim stirred, and both Gabriel and Nicholas tensed.
“I’ve never been more scared of waking something in all my life,” Gabriel whispered.
Maxim had charged through Gabriel’s front door without hesitation, dragging the throw off the couch and taking up residence on it. Even now, he and his brothers lay sprawled on top of it, and it was no coincidence that it was Maxim’s bed they all slept in.
They moved their conversation to the patio; the ocean breeze warm and gentle tonight. Nicholas continued to watch the pups from his cushioned armchair while Gabriel rolled a cigarette across from him.
“How are you feeling?” Gabriel asked, and Nicholas realized he’d been tugging at his shirt collar.
“Still a little hot, but better.”
“Would you like another glass of water?”
“No, not right now.”
He’d guzzled down several glasses at Gabriel’s insistence after the onslaught of arousal left him trembling and nauseous. Zeke had limped over to the couch, whimpering near his feet while Gabriel instructed him to breathe.
“You know…”
Nicholas stopped himself, shocked at what he’d been about to share. He hadn’t even thought about it first, hadn’t second-guessed if he could trust Gabriel with the admission he’d been about to make. His instincts said he could trust Gabriel with anything, but what if he couldn’t?
“That’s your instincts at play. Don’t ever abandon them.”
Hadn’t Gabriel said those words to him? Nicholas decided not to abandon them now, and they were nudging him to speak.
“Growing up, I’d never experienced attraction. Never had the ‘desires of the flesh’ that Mateo seemed to be born with.”
He huffed, recalling the time Mateo was caught sharing his first kiss with one of the girls from their youth group. She was maybe a year older than him. He’d been most proud of that.
“Mateo couldn’t control himself, and I thought I was the lucky one. I lacked sexual desire. Like Christ, I was absent of concupiscence. Or so I thought.”
He didn’t look at Gabriel as he spoke, afraid that he’d lose the nerve to continue.
“It started small, this need inside of me. Like a dull thrumming at the back of your head. Not quite sharp enough to justify taking something for the pain, but persistent, always there. A buzzing fly that won’t go away.” He pulled at the loose thread on the cuff of his sleeve.
“Temptation crept in, keeping me awake at night. These new feelings I’d never had before, new sensations I couldn’t explain. My hands shook with the need to make them go away, to provide some…” He searched for the right word. “Relief.”
They were cocooned in a cloud of smoke now. Nicholas inhaled deeply, his limbs suddenly feeling liquified.
“I went to Mateo for help when touching myself was no longer enough. He put me in touch with Eliana.”
“And you knew what you wanted.” Gabriel’s words were pointed. He wasn’t asking about the act of sex itself.
The tobacco fog cleared, as if it hadn’t been there to begin with, and Nicholas looked up to find Gabriel’s comforting gaze on him. His midnight eyes held zero judgment, and whatever angst Nicholas still held onto fell away. His spine straightened, and he no longer spoke in a terrified whisper.
“My body knew what it wanted. It was never a question.”
His first time had been with a man, as were all the times afterward.
“And your body still wants that.”
It was a question in the form of a statement, one Gabriel seemed to want answered. His Adam’s apple shifted with his hard swallow.
“I told you I’m attracted to you, Gabriel. That, for once, this thing in me, this fire, seems to have consciously chosen you. I’ve consciously chosen you. Don’t you believe me?”
Gabriel set his cigarette down to lean forward.
“I’ve always been a confident man. I’ve never sought approval from anyone, nor do I hesitate to take action, and I rarely think twice.
I don’t give a damn who likes or despises me, and I’ve never been afraid to make an enemy.
” He exhaled. “But I seek your approval. I care deeply about how you feel about me, and I find myself in constant need of your validation. If it ever feels as though I doubt your truth, just know it’s your affirmation that I’m after. ”
It was Nicholas’s turn to take a deep breath. “O-okay. I want you, Gabriel. Of my own free will.”
Nicholas thought Gabriel would be glad to hear that, but he turned his gaze to the restless ocean, his jaw tensing.
“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy, maybe even fish for more compliments.”
“I am happy, Nicholas, but it comes with much sadness too. What you said reminded me of what happened inside earlier. It reminded me of what wanting me has cost you. I don’t like seeing you in pain.”
Gabriel had grown quiet, thoughtful after Nicholas’s episode.
“That isn’t the answer I was hoping for.” He wanted Gabriel to be fine because he didn’t want another thing to feel sorry about.
“I know. I’ll never be okay as long as you’re not, and that isn’t something you should feel guilty about. I don’t mind suffering for you, or with you.”
Nicholas shook his head in disbelief. “You say these things like… like you know me. Like you’ve been waiting forever to say them to me.”
“It feels like I’ve waited centuries to say these things to you.”
“Centuries? Is that a figure of speech?”
Nicholas wasn’t unfamiliar with the concept of obscurity.
Some say the Bible was built on it. But it was hard to tell whether Gabriel was being equivocal when everything he said was felt by Nicholas on a cellular level.
There was something inside him that responded to Gabriel’s words, a silent grief that yawned to life because of them.
He felt every year of those centuries as he stared into Gabriel’s tormented eyes. The feeling of loss was staggering, and the strange longing he felt for Gabriel deepened, leaving him breathless.
Gabriel relit the cigarette he’d set into the ashtray. Nicholas chased the plume of smoke he exhaled, needing the calm it provided.
“Come here, Nicholas.”
“Come… where?”
They were already so close, both seated in armchairs with no room for anyone else.
Gabriel slouched in his seat, the burning ember of his rollie sizzling as he pulled from the end of it. He softly patted his thigh, indicating exactly where he wanted Nicholas.
Nicholas’s heart pounded, but he moved between Gabriel’s spread legs, unable to resist him, not wanting to.
Gabriel pulled him down gently until Nicholas straddled him, then took a final drag of his cigarette before putting it out. The spicy smoke exited his mouth in swirling ribbons, curling around Nicholas, relaxing him.
“What am I doing here?” Nicholas breathed. “In your lap, I mean.”
“I’ve been wanting to map the shape of your face since we first met. Is it okay if I give in to the urge now?”
“Yes.” His eyes fluttered shut as Gabriel’s warm fingers trailed over the ridge of his brows, then lower, caressing his long lashes.
“Your skin is the most beautiful, pale shade of brown I’ve ever seen. Kissed by the sun, but light enough for me to bear witness to the blood pooling in your cheeks.”
Nicholas’s cheeks heated, and Gabriel traced his fingertips over them.
“You say you knew nothing about carnal desires until you began to feel unwell, but you move with an innateness… with an awareness of your body that seems ingrained. I don’t think you see what I see, Nicholas.”
Nicholas’s lips quivered as Gabriel took his time learning the shape of them.
“What do you see in me?” he asked, eyes opened to half mast. “I need your validation too. Maybe even your confirmation.”
Gabriel palmed his neck, smoothing his thumb along the column of it, along the artery. Nicholas’s mouth watered.
“I think you’re courageous.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. It takes courage to survive, Nicholas. To go against everything, even your own fear, to survive.”
“It’s selfish of me,” he insisted, but he wanted Gabriel to prove him wrong.
“What’s selfish is a God who would see you in pain and not rectify it, then cast you aside for simply finding the strength to save yourself.”
Nicholas resisted the urge to defend his God.
“You’re kind—”
“You’re wrong.”
“And loving,” Gabriel continued, undeterred. “You have an aptitude toward good. You fence with your friend to remain connected, although not discarding him must be a tiny sin in itself.”
“I couldn’t do that to him.” And maybe he and Mateo didn’t have much in common before, but could he continue to say that now? The warmth spreading through his body said no.
“Because you’re good.” Gabriel’s words were ferocious, his hold on Nicholas tightening. “So very good.”
“Because I’m good.” Nicholas didn’t yet believe it, but he hoped saying it would make it stick.
“You are the very best thing, Nicholas.”
Nicholas could almost forget everything he’d done wrong and get lost inside Gabriel’s belief in him, inside his passionate gaze. He remembered their arrangement then, and a dark chill replaced the heat building inside of him.
“What happens when this ends? When you no longer want or need a companion?”
“I hope this never ends. I want you, and not just temporarily. Can you live with that?”
Gabriel seemed to be asking him, once and for all, if he could accept this strange thing between them. If he could let go and give in, if he could stop questioning the whys of it, and allow everything to just be.