Chapter Eight
Kytten
I shouldn’t have punched Cash. I knew that. But he was treating me like a fucking child. I wasn’t a child. I was twenty-one fucking years old.
I stormed down the hallway, intending to go upstairs until I saw the door that led to the backyard. I shoved through it and walked toward the woods.
I was so incredibly angry with him. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had been this angry at anyone. And then I stopped in my tracks. Because I did remember.
I remembered everything. I remembered how sad I had been. How forgotten I felt. And how angry it made me when it happened.
Standing in the open field, I stared at the woods. I wanted to run into them and hide. To never come out.
They were coming.
I could hear them.
It was getting harder to hear them, but they were still there.
Still waiting for me to fuck up and call them out. Reach for them so I wouldn’t have to feel any of it.
My hand went to my leg, and I scratched. I knew what I was doing. It was how we communicated.
They began to stir, and I scratched, calling them to the surface.
Only I didn’t have a knife.
Cash had removed everything sharp from our room. Hash was always in the kitchen, and if he wasn’t, a prospect took over. Everyone in the clubhouse watched me like a hawk.
I had gotten used to it over the last few days and it didn’t bother me because the monsters stayed asleep. And it wasn’t just Cash that kept them away. Thorne did, too. Sam did.
Even Charlie had the same effect.
I hadn’t asked them to be a part of their family. I really wanted to, but fear kept me back. Fear of being told no.
I knew it didn’t make sense. Sam said it was my choice. All I had to do was say yes. But I couldn’t do it.
I had questions I couldn’t ask. Would she expect me to call her Momma too? Thorne didn’t call Jack dad, so I wasn’t sure how that worked.
Could I tell Sam my secret?
Could I replace Val? She would replace me once Amber was safe again.
No, it was too much. I scratched harder at my leg. My nails were too short. I should grow them out. No one could take my fingernails away.
“Kytten.”
I spun around and saw Ellie standing behind me. The monsters must have seen her too, because suddenly, they were quiet.
“Are you ok?”
A deep inhale was the only answer I had at the moment. I couldn’t speak. I was too busy looking for the monsters. Where had they gone? I needed them to take the feelings. I didn’t want them.
“Tell me what happened. Why are you upset?”
Could I tell her? Could I trust her?
Ellie was a real mom. Was Sam a real mom?
“Cash was being a jerk.” It came out as a whisper. I didn’t want to say it out loud. But I had to give it to someone, and the monsters had left me. Just like everyone in my fucking life, they left me, too.
Ellie chuckled. “I figured as much. No one can piss us off more than our old men.”
“He’s not my old man.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, and I nodded. I was sure. He may have said it in front of Thorne, but he never asked me. Never even talked about it vaguely like before he learned my secret.
“What did he do?” she asked as she rubbed her back. I dragged a chair over for her to sit. “Thank you.” She smiled and sat down, rubbing her belly.
“What’s it like?”
Her head cocked to the side, and she asked, “What’s what like?”
I pointed at her belly. “Being pregnant.”
She smiled again and blew out a breath. “Exciting, terrifying, exhausting, humbling. Pretty much any emotion you can think of, I’ve experienced it in the last six months.”
“I don’t think I can do that.” I would never be able to handle all those feelings, especially at once.
“Because of the monsters?”
My eyes snapped to hers. I expected pity or anger. Maybe condemnation. But all I saw was concern. She looked at me the way Val did the day she found me. I nodded, my eyes focusing on the ground beneath my feet.
“Are they bothering you now?”
“They were,” I whispered.
“But they’re gone?” I nodded again. I didn’t want her to ask me where they went or why. I couldn’t explain it.
“What was it that made them wake up?”
I bit my lip and thought about her question. I was angry with Cash. But that wasn’t it. I called them. I wanted them to come, so I didn’t have to feel. Only I couldn’t tell her that.
“I was mad.”
“Because Cash was being a jerk. Tell me what he did.”
“He was treating me like a child.”
I paced in front of her. Standing still would let her see me. I didn’t want her to see me. I wanted her to see Kytten. She liked Kytten. Everyone liked Kytten. It was Rose who was a mess.
“Why don’t you start at the beginning? I am assuming it wasn’t one thing that got you this upset.”
I peered over my shoulder, and she smiled. I smiled back. She wanted to listen. I turned away and paced back and forth as I told her about sitting on the couch, and the dog that wouldn’t stop staring at me. How Cash wouldn’t rescue me and then I saw him talking to Dr. Jefferson.
I told her about Haizley kissing Cash. That didn’t bother me. I knew she was helping him deal with his shit. He told me. He shared something with me that he had never told anyone else. He gave me his secrets.
But I couldn’t give him mine.
Not all of them.
I told Ellie about Gunner threatening Haizley, and when Ellie laughed out loud, I turned and glared at her.
“Why are you laughing at me?”
“Oh, Kytten. I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. I am laughing at what you described. Gunner and Haizley have an interesting dynamic. She has shared a little bit about what they get into, and believe me, the only thing he was threatening her with was a good time.”
“I didn’t know that,” I said, my voice quiet. The shame was back. I had overreacted again. Like the night we had dinner with Ellie and Ryder, and I thought Ryder was being too controlling with Chrissy.
“You aren’t expected to. You did what you did because you thought she was in danger, and I cannot tell you how admirable that makes you. Most of us are terrified of Gunner. Not because he has ever given us a reason to be, but he is so freaking big.” She shuddered a little.
“I would have loved to see you threatening him. Gunner is always so... What’s the word I’m looking for... stoic maybe? Always so in control. He probably didn’t know what to think of your coming at him like that.”
“I wasn’t kidding. I would have cut his dick off.”
“I know. And that’s what makes it all the better. And Gunner would never admit this, but you trying to protect his old lady, even from him, garners respect from him. He won’t take that lightly. He now knows you would protect his woman if he weren’t there. That means something to him.”
Maybe Ellie wasn’t entirely wrong. I thought I saw something when he looked back at me. I had expected humor or ridicule. But neither was there. I saw something I couldn’t determine. But I wasn’t sure it was respect.
“What happened next?”
I paced again. My arms were flying around me as I told her about the sheriff coming in and Cash hassling me about speeding. How I yelled at him and stormed out.
“And what are you feeling now?”
“I don’t know. Defeated.”
“Why?” she asked. Could I tell her?
“Because he treats me like a kid. The first day we met, he called me a kid. I don’t think he’ll ever take me seriously.” I sat on the grass and picked at it. Not looking at her. I had told her more about what I was feeling than I had ever told anyone.
“I don’t think he sees you as a kid. I think he’s worried about losing you. I think hearing that you were going so fast and knowing what the repercussions would be if you did lose control and crash scared the shit out of him.”
My eyes widened at her words. “Oh my God,” I breathed. “Because of Rachel.” Ellie nodded, and I buried my face in my hands. “I’m so stupid.”
“Kytten, you aren’t stupid. You didn’t know Rachel, and assuming Cash hasn’t talked about her much, there is no reason for her to be in your mind the way she is in ours.”
“But I do know about her. And I know it’s only been a few months. I should have thought about why he yelled at me. He just sounded so much like a dad yelling at a teenager.”
“Because that’s how Cash is. He holds everything in until it bubbles over and explodes. His job is to take care of the club. He takes it seriously.”
“It’s not healthy to hold your feelings in.”
Ellie cocked an eyebrow at me. And I knew what she was saying without a word leaving her lips. But I didn’t hold them in; the monsters did. And when I cut, they released them.
“I’d like to tell you about a friend I had back home.” I looked up and waited. “Heather was a girl from school. We weren’t super close, but we were friends. We sometimes hung out together after school and one day I noticed she was hurting herself.”
I inhaled loudly, trying to stem the anger that was rising up. I didn’t want to talk about this. Never wanted any of them to know. I never wanted anyone to know.
“Not the way you do. She burned herself. She wasn’t a smoker, but she carried a lighter. I didn’t think much of it. Lots of kids carry lighters.”
A lot of people carry knives too. And no one thinks much about it.
“One day, we went shopping after school. Heather was trying something on, and I found this really cute top I wanted to show her. So, without thinking, I barged into the dressing room. And that was when I saw the burns. They were all over her stomach and thighs. At first, she wouldn’t tell me anything.
I pushed and pushed, and finally she told me she was doing it because her father had been raping her. ”
I forced myself to look at Ellie. If I looked away, she would know. She would know my secret, and I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want Cash to know. I didn’t want Val to know.
My eyes filled with tears as Ellie talked about her friend, and when she told me what her dad was doing to her, they spilled over. I couldn’t control them. The monsters were nowhere to be found. I needed them, and they weren’t here.
They let me down.
Like everyone else.
“I was glad I pushed her, but I also wish I hadn’t. Because when the truth came out, she couldn’t handle it alone. She took her life. I lost my friend because no one helped her. I don’t want to lose another friend, Kytten.”
“I’m talking to Dr. Jefferson.”
“But you aren’t letting her help you.”
“I don’t like her.”
“Why?”
I shrugged. Dr. Jefferson was an old lady. She was Gunner’s sister and Haizley’s best friend. They wouldn’t understand why I couldn’t trust her.
“I have a friend who is a therapist. Would you like me to call him? See if it’s easier to talk to him?” I shrugged again, not sure what the right answer was. “Kytten, it’s okay if Melissa isn’t the right person for you. You can try someone else.”
“Okay,” I whispered.