Chapter 6 Let Me Down
Let Me Down
Grey looked down at me. “Ethan,” he whispered.
His voice was so low, so passionate, my body yearned to be closer to his. I lay on my back in bed, and he hovered over me, shirtless. I traced the lines of his muscled arms, across his collarbone and down his chest with shaking hands. I craved him.
“Kiss me,” I demanded.
Grey smiled and leaned his head down until his lips found mine.
It was exactly as I’d imagined it would be—firm, rough, and unyielding.
But what I didn’t expect was the salty sweetness of his taste.
His tongue teased my bottom lip before he deepened the kiss.
My back arched as my body tried to draw itself into him.
No matter how close we became, or how much we pressed together, it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. No, I needed more.
“Grey,” I moaned into his lips.
As if knowing exactly what I wanted, he wrapped his arm around me, and with his free hand, he pulled me closer at the waist, pressing me further into him. Wherever his body touched mine lit up with fire and lightning. Electricity sparked across my skin in the wake of him.
I groaned and kissed him harder. He was such a good kisser. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I thought back on how many people I’d kissed in my life. None could compare. They’d been too soft or messy. Grey was strong and controlled. I could kiss him forever.
This must be what Goldilocks felt when she found the porridge that was just right. I laughed. What a ridiculous thing to think in this situation.
My laugh startled Grey, who pulled back, looking at me with confusion in his deep brown eyes.
“No, don’t stop,” I said. “I was being stupid.”
But instead of returning to kissing me, Grey vanished into a cloud of smoke before my eyes. Then the bed disappeared, too, followed quickly by the rest of the room as I was pulled from the dream.
My eyes snapped open. I was in my room. Alone.
Sitting up, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. The dream still danced behind my eyelids, taunting me—as if my own treacherous mind said, This is what you really want.
At first, I tried to shove the thought away. I wanted to deny that I wanted Grey like that, but at this point… I couldn’t. I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I’d graduated from thinking about him in my waking hours to having him invade my dreams as well.
“I want Grey,” I said into my hands covering my face. “What the hell am I supposed to do about that?”
Throwing my feet over the side of the bed, I checked my phone.
It was eight p.m. I must’ve dozed off after getting home from class.
That would explain the dream. I was still processing the excitement from class and the cafe earlier this morning.
Still, the cause of the dream didn’t change what it had revealed. I wanted Grey.
I was so fixated on the time, it took me a few seconds to notice I’d received a notification from Instagram.
Greyhyundreams started following you.
That has to be a mistake, right? I clicked on the notification to find that it wasn’t a mistake. Grey had followed me on Instagram. Since I’d unfollowed him earlier that month, the blue “follow back” button glared up at me.
“Fuck it,” I muttered and pressed to follow him back. Afterward, I quickly tossed the phone aside.
I groaned loudly and threw myself back onto the bed.
Grabbing a pillow, I covered my face with it and yelled in frustration.
What am I going to do with Grey? It felt almost cruel the way he was taunting me.
He had a girlfriend, and yet, every time we interacted, I felt sparks.
And I hadn’t even thought I was into guys, so if I was seeing sparks, he must be too.
Or like Kellan had said, he was just toying with my emotions for the attention.
Someone knocked on my door.
“You okay, Ethan?” Kellan’s voice came from the other side. “You’re not jerking off in there, are you?”
“Don’t be gross,” I said, voice muffled by the pillow. “You can come in.”
I heard the door open. “Look, man, I had to be safe. One time Josh was screaming his damn head off, and…” He stopped, seeming to finally register what he was walking in on. “Are you okay?”
“Peachy,” I said into my pillow. “Just peachy.”
“Do I want to know?”
Removing the pillow from my face, I looked at Kellan, whose expression was a mask of concern.
“I want Grey.” The words rushed out of me like water breaking from a dam. “I think I might like guys.”
“Oh boy.” Kellan came to sit next to me. “Are you sure?”
“Considering I just woke up from a dream with him all over me—and I’m sorry, weren’t you the one who said you liked guys?” I asked.
“I was just asking a question,” Kellan said. “I have to admit, I saw this coming.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you were in denial about what made you so drawn to Grey to begin with. I told you it was a man crush because typically guys don’t like hearing that they could be bi or pan or whatever, and you needed to come to terms with that on your own.
” Kellan sniffed. “I love you, man, but I ain’t a therapist.”
I sighed and stared at the ceiling. “So, what do I do about it?”
“Typically, if you want someone, you either go for it, or get over it,” Kellan said. “Whatever you do is your choice.”
“I don’t know if I have a choice,” I grumbled. “He’s in my eight a.m. class, you know. Found that out today.”
“He is?”
“Yeah, just as I was getting over him too.”
Kellan laughed at that.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I was!”
“Avoiding and ‘getting over’ someone are not the same thing,” Kellan said, still chuckling. “If you couldn’t handle a single lecture with him without getting wet dreams about—hey!”
I’d given him a good push to shut him up, then I took a deep breath. “I should drop the class, shouldn’t I? I can always make it up during winter break or something.”
“That’s not going to solve your problem,” Josh said from the door. He held a bowl of noodles in one hand and a fork in the other.
“Dude, how long have you been standing there?” Kellan asked.
“Long enough to hear Ethan finally admit he wants Grey to love him real good,” Josh said dryly.
“You thought I was crushing too?” I asked.
“Bro, come on.” Josh refrained from rolling his eyes, but I could hear the sentiment in his voice.
Ignoring the implication that I was the dumbest one in the room, I continued. “Why wouldn’t dropping the class solve my problems?”
“Because what happens next semester when he’s in another one of your classes?” Josh took a bite of noodles. “You can’t derail your whole college career to avoid some guy.”
“I might be over it by then!” I protested, though it was only half-hearted at best.
I knew the truth, and so did my roommates.
“You avoided him for six weeks and still didn’t get over him,” Kellan said, voicing what we were all thinking. “A few more months isn’t going to fix that.”
I groaned again. “Then, what do I do about it?”
“I mean, you could talk to the guy,” Josh said around a mouthful of food. “Groundbreaking idea, I know.”
“We talked today,” I said. “It didn’t help.”
“What did he say?” Kellan asked.
I gave them a quick rundown of Grey’s conversation with me.
Kellan winced. “The girl could be a problem.”
“Since she was there first, wouldn’t that make me the problem?” I asked.
“Or home-wrecker,” Josh said helpfully.
Kellan calmly held up his hands. “Look, all I’m saying is that Grey is pursuing Ethan at this point. I mean it’s clear, right?”
Both Josh and I nodded.
“And we don’t know the details of their relationship, so I won’t speculate, but Grey said to Ethan’s face that he likes guys more.”
We nodded again.
“I think that relationship isn’t long for the world anyway, even if Ethan does nothing. But I do think we should worry about how the girl will react to being dumped by the campus celebrity. That’s what I mean.”
“Sounds like a bridge to cross later,” Josh said. “Right now, Ethan, you need to talk to Grey. Be honest with him. And for God’s sake, tell him you won’t be his sidepiece.”
“I’m worried, though.” I looked at the ceiling to avoid eye contact with my friends. “What if I get hurt?”
“Our boy’s down bad.” Kellan shook his head.
“Ethan, if you get hurt, that means it was something worth going after,” Josh said. “You don’t get anything worthwhile without risking something.”
“And let’s be honest,” Kellan chimed in. “You’ve never risked much with the girls you’ve dated.”
“I believe the term is ‘low hanging fruit,’” Josh said.
Kellan laughed, and I glared at him.
“Not that they’ve been ugly,” Josh said hurriedly. “Just girls have always thrown themselves at you. It’s never been a challenge, and you’ve never had to risk much.”
“You’ll have to risk it with Grey,” Kellan said. “Because I know you, and it’ll drive you crazy if you don’t.”
I barely slept that night, tossing and turning as I anxiously watched the time slide by on my phone.
I must have eventually slipped into something resembling sleep because I was still surprised when my alarm went off.
Groggily, I got ready for school and left.
As I crossed campus, the anxiety returned.
I tried to think about what I would say to Grey when I saw him, how I would address me wanting him.
I was still unraveling the tangled mess of emotions inside myself.
How could I expect him to do anything with what I need to tell him?
With every step closer to the classroom, my heart rate went up. Why am I doing this to myself? I could very easily turn heel and run to the academic advisor’s office and drop this class. That would be the smart thing to do regardless of what my friends thought.
Me charging in and demanding to talk about feelings my with a guy I barely knew and was only now realizing I might have a romantic inclination for—that was stupid as hell by comparison.
Still, I managed to place one foot in front of the other, and soon enough, I found myself in the mostly empty lecture hall. I sat there, knee bobbing as it slowly filled. Finally, everyone, including Professor Young was there… and Grey was absent.
Professor Young went through roll call. Still no Grey.
He began the lecture on Beowulf. Still no Grey.
I looked around the room but couldn’t find Grey. Frustrated, I returned to my notes, my knee still jumping with nerves. The hour ticked by at a sluggish pace. Watching paint dry or waiting for water to boil probably would’ve been more satisfying. But finally, mercifully, the lecture ended.
I collected my stuff, racking my brain to figure out where Grey might be.
From what he’d said to me yesterday, I knew he likely frequented the recording studios in the music building.
Might as well start there. If he wasn’t going to be in class where I could easily find him, then I would have to go after him.
But before I could get too deep into my plans, Grey appeared at the front of the classroom, talking with Professor Young in a low tone, their heads bowed together. Well, that made things significantly easier on me.
I slowed packing my stuff, trying not to look like I was obviously lingering to watch the conversation. I needn’t have bothered putting in the effort. No one was paying me any attention, and the discussion didn’t last long. Not five minutes later, Grey shook hands with Professor Young.
When he turned to leave, Grey saw me waiting. Instead of waiting for me to approach, he came to me. “Aw, are you waiting for me?” he teased, his eyes instantly sparkling at the sight of me.
My stomach turned over on itself. Is this what butterflies in your stomach feel like? It felt more like a stomach virus. Fuck it, just tell the truth. “I was.” I rubbed the back of my neck, nervously. “I wanted to… well, if you’re not doing anything, I was wondering if…”
“You wanted to know if I was busy right now?”
I nodded, face hot with embarrassment. Clearly, I lacked a silver tongue.
“As it so happens, I’m free,” Grey said.
“Great!” I winced when it sounded too enthusiastic. “What I mean is, would you want to get some breakfast with me?”
Grey looked at me for a long, ponderous moment.
I wondered if he was trying to figure out what my intentions were.
Maybe he thought I was asking him out on a date.
Oh no. I immediately wanted to backpedal and tell him it was just so we could talk.
But then, maybe he would like it if it were a date.
Do I want it to be a date? What about Carina?
This whole thing had been a fucking terrible idea.
Thankfully, he didn’t leave me waiting long before freeing me from my spiraling thoughts.
Grey smiled. “I’d love to grab some food with you, Ethan.”