Chapter 18 Too Close to the Sun
Too Close to the Sun
Iwoke up certain the previous night had been a dream. There was no way I’d danced with Grey and certainly no possibility he’d held me as I fell asleep. I kept my eyes closed, remembering how Grey’s arms had felt in my dreams—so strong, so safe. So real.
The memories of my dream were comforting and warm in my bed. I didn’t want to open my eyes and force myself to face reality. A reality where Grey would never hold me like that. But I was awake, and I had to get up eventually. After a while, I decided that it might as well be now.
When I opened my eyes, it was to see Grey lying across from me in bed, and I realized everything I’d remembered about last night had actually happened.
Elation rushed through my veins, only to be quickly tamped down by the reality of the situation.
Sure, he’d danced with me and held me as we’d drifted off to sleep, but the fact still stood that he would choose Carina.
I thought about waking Grey, but I couldn’t help but take a selfish moment to watch him sleep.
His mouth was open, his shoulders moving with his slow breathing.
He looked so peaceful like that, curled up with his hair a mess and his lips forming an O.
There were no airs put about him, nothing to measure up to. Just a guy innocently sleeping.
He stirred, cracking his eyes open at me.
“Mornin’,” he mumbled, his hair falling across his face. “Did you sleep okay?”
My mouth tugged upward of its own accord. “Like a baby.” Which was a small miracle considering how the night had been going before he’d held me.
“I’m glad.” Grey reached up to touch my hair. The moment he made contact, he froze. As if his brain had just caught up to what his body was doing. Clearing his throat, he took his hand back and sat up. “We should get going,” he said, checking his phone. “Checkout’s in an hour.”
I frowned, hating how he’d pulled away so quickly. But I had to remind myself of our reality. Sighing, I got out of bed. “Dibs on the bathroom first.”
Before he could protest, I’d locked myself in the restroom.
After we got ready, we checked out of the hotel.
Our drive home passed by slowly as we struggled to come up with something to talk about other than the one thing I really wanted to talk about—us.
The longer we drove, the more it became apparent that somewhere in the night, we’d gone from straddling the line of friendship to leaving it far behind.
The problem was, in crossing that line, we’d entered a territory where our relationship, whatever we wanted to call it, was no longer compatible with the reality of our world.
And that meant people were going to get hurt.
I had an aching worry that I would be the one taking most of the pain. I mean, haven’t I already?
Needless to say, I was in a pretty somber mood when I reached my apartment.
No one was in the living room when I entered, and I did my best to keep as quiet as possible, hoping to sneak into my bedroom before my roommates realized I was home. It was a useless effort, as the moment the door clicked closed, Kellan and Josh appeared as if magically transported.
“How was the wedding?” Kellan asked in an almost accusatory voice.
“Oh no, what happened?” Josh chimed in, clearly registering the look on my face.
“Did he do something wrong?” Kellan demanded.
“Did he do something right?”
“Guys, stop,” I held up my hand. “The wedding was… nice.”
Kellan narrowed his eyes. “I don’t like the way you said that. Something happened. Spill.”
Josh gasped. “You guys didn’t—”
“No!” I said with way more force than necessary. Taking a deep breath, I spoke more calmly. “No, nothing happened. Not really.”
Except that wasn’t true. Everything had happened.
In the moments of our dancing and our lying together, our world had shifted completely.
Sure, nothing sexual had happened, and with anyone else, what we’d done might not even be worth considering something.
But with Grey, it had been a tectonic shift.
“There’s something you’re not telling us.” It was Josh’s turn to narrow his eyes.
I grimaced. “We danced.” Then, because I couldn’t hold it in any longer: “And we went back to our hotel room, and there was only one bed, and… nothing happened.” I sighed.
“So, Grey’s still playing games with you,” Kellan said flatly.
I blinked. “No, there were no games.”
“Oh, come on.” To my surprise, it was Josh who spoke. “He has to know how you feel for him despite your whole ‘just friends’ attempt. And he obviously feels similarly. It’s just getting ridiculous at this point. Why won’t he commit to you?”
“A lot has happened to him in the past.” I hated how lame Grey’s reasoning sounded under my friends’ scrutiny.
When he’d told me, it had felt like a secret he’d only dared whisper to me in the dead of night.
A secret only shared with a lover. In the harsh light of day, it felt like a paper-thin excuse.
“We all have pasts,” Kellan pointed out with a frown.
Then my friends exchanged glances, and when Kellan spoke again, it was in a much gentler tone.
“It’s okay. I don’t blame you for wanting to see where this goes. Just…” He trailed off.
“We don’t want you to get hurt in the process,” Josh finished for him. “But we also realize that it’s not our job to tell you what to do. Just know we’ll be here for you, no matter what.”
Emotion welled in my eyes, and I fought to keep it down. The whole semester had been a whirlwind of new feelings and decisions that I’d never considered a possibility for me. It meant the world that my friends had stood by me and would continue to do so.
“Thanks,” I said, my voice gruff.
“Don’t be so dramatic,” Kellan said, but he and Josh threw their arms around me, and we hugged each other in one big circle.
“You’re welcome, though,” Josh said.
We all laughed.
The next week passed in a flurry of finals that were so intense, I almost didn’t realize that Grey hadn’t texted me since dropping me off at my place after the wedding. Almost.
Still, I didn’t reach out to him due to my own uncertainty.
What had that night meant to him? I’d been so sure that something had shifted between us in the moment, but now, I couldn’t be certain.
His prolonged silence only compounded my doubts.
Or maybe it showed me how right I’d been.
Something had shifted, and that shift meant that Grey could no longer be my friend, let alone anything more.
I stayed up late most nights, willing myself to study, only to find myself lost in daydreams of what had been for the briefest of moments. Grey’s caress as we lay in that bed, the dance we’d shared. And the song he’d sung—so pointed and clearly about us. What did it all mean?
Nothing, a dark voice whispered to me as I lay down to try catching some sleep. It was him indulging in a fantasy before going back to Carina. That’s all.
I didn’t want to believe the dark thoughts, but as hours turned to days and days turned to almost a week, I began to.
My last final of the semester was for Professor Young’s English class.
I woke at the ass crack of dawn to my blaring alarm, grimly pulled on my clothes, and got ready for the day.
It was my last day of the semester, but that wasn’t what had my stomach churning with anticipation.
It was also the first time I would see Grey since the wedding.
I grabbed the counter and gave myself a hard look in the mirror. Whatever I did, I would not be the first one to break the silence. If he cared for me at all, he would talk to me first.
Two hours later, I was handing in my finished essay.
I felt comfortable with it. The story was about a plant that had grown from a single stem until that stem was no longer necessary, then the plant was cut.
Yeah, I was probably processing some things when I wrote it.
It wasn’t my greatest work by any means, but it would get me a solid A minus.
I was turning to leave Professor Young’s desk when I accidentally bumped into the person I hadn’t realized was standing behind me.
“S-sorry,” I mumbled before realizing who it was.
Grey stood there ready to turn in his own essay.
How did he walk up on me so silently?
“No worries.” A smirk crossed his lips.
In that moment, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or slap him. Rather than try to figure out that conundrum, I pushed past him and made a hasty exit.
Mentally, I kicked myself. I’d broken my vow not to speak first. Though, to be fair, I hadn’t realized it was him when I’d apologized.
I’d seen him come into the room. Of course I had.
But Grey had sat far in the back. We’d had assigned seats, and his had been about as far away from me as it could be and still be in the same room.
I managed to make it out of the door and into the quad before someone grabbed my shoulder, stopping me.
“Ethan, wait,” Grey said.
In the time since I’d seen him, somehow, I’d managed to become more susceptible to the musicality of his voice. He sounded like he was half singing every time he uttered a word. It wasn’t fair.
Face warm with desire, and fire blooming in my stomach, edging its way farther down, I turned to face Grey. “What?” I was proud of myself when I sounded just as stern as I’d meant to.
Grey was adequately taken aback. “Are you mad at me?” he asked blankly.
“Why would I be mad at you?” I asked pointedly. When he was silent, I continued. “You never texted or called after the wedding.”
Grey didn’t hesitate. “Neither did you.”
“That’s not the point.” I hated the fact that my ears were growing warm with embarrassment. “You should’ve reached out to me.” He was the one with the girlfriend and still had been breaking our rules left and right.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Grey said, completely disarming me.
“I just wasn’t sure if you’d want to hear from me—if I’d pushed things too far.
And when I didn’t hear anything from you, I guess I took that as confirmation that my fears were right.
” He took a step closer and grabbed my elbow again before letting it go.
“I’m sorry I let my insecurities get in the way of being your friend. ”
Friend. God was I getting tired of that damn word. It caused my anger to return with a vengeance. Once again, I found myself torn between kissing and slapping him. But I did neither. “Was there something you needed?” I asked. “Or am I good to go?”
He paused, seeming to consider his next words carefully. “Would you want to come to one of my shows?”
I blinked. “Seriously?” That’s what he decides is appropriate to ask me right now?
“Yeah, I have one tomorrow, and you could be backstage, and—”
“Wow.” I fanned myself. “The great Greyson Hyun doesn’t call me after a week, but at least he can get me backstage to his show.”
“Ethan, don’t be like that,” Grey said. “I really am sorry.”
The look of distress on his face made my anger simmer down. He wasn’t being totally unreasonable, I had to admit grudgingly. He’d been self-conscious too. And he’d apologized.
I took a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry too. I could’ve called you, but I figured you didn’t want to hear from me either. Thought we’d gotten too close to the sun.”
The corners of Grey’s mouth twitched upward. “Sounds like a great lyric.”
“Only if you credit me.” I smirked.
“So, what do you say?” Grey asked. “Can I see you tomorrow?”
Grinning, I felt the last vestiges of anger fading away. “I’d be happy to go. I mean, how often do you get a backstage pass to a Dreamscape concert?”