Chapter 26
Dtr
“Hi,” he echoed, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You busy?”
“You ignored my text,” I said, refusing to succumb to him so easily, though every cell in my body urged me to run into his arms. “A lot of them, actually.”
“I know.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking annoyingly cute and ashamed at the same time. “I’m sorry.”
Any anger I’d harbored up until this point evaporated. I couldn’t stay mad at him. Not when he looked like a kicked puppy.
“I was just on my way to your place to demand answers,” I said.
The hint of a smile was back. “Good plan. Very direct.”
“So, what now?” I asked.
“Well, if you’re free,” Grey said. “And you’re hungry, we could go get some food.”
He was suddenly shy again. Jeez, his emotions are all over the place right now. It made me even more curious as to what the fuck was going on.
“That sounds… acceptable.” I ignored the snorts of laughter from Kellan and Josh. I knew I would get hell for my word choice later. Whatever. “I’ll be back,” I called over my shoulder.
I heard them making jokes at my expense as I shut the door behind me. A chill ran through my spine that had very little to do with the cold. Now that I stood next to Grey, I felt much like I had that first time I’d run into him at that bar a lifetime ago—completely out of my depth.
He looked better than ever after the break.
He’d gotten a haircut and some sun, but I’d somehow forgotten how his brown eyes glistened mischievously in the lights and how the corners of his mouth crinkled when he fought the urge to smile.
Or how he looked at me with so much longing that it took my breath away.
“After you.” He gestured after a quiet moment.
I led the way out of my apartment building. “Where are we going?” I asked, realizing I had no destination in mind.
“Linda’s.”
I raised an eyebrow at that. Linda’s was one of the nicer establishments on campus. It was typical American food, but the restaurant had been decorated with social media in mind, so they could charge more.
“My treat,” he added.
“Linda’s it is.”
We walked to Linda’s mostly in silence, chatting about the inconsequential parts of our holidays. Anytime I thought about broaching the topic of what was weighing on both of our minds, a group of students would pass, whispering to each other or giggling or taking pictures of us.
It wasn’t the environment to have any sort of heavy conversation. It wasn’t even really the conditions I would want to have an unimportant conversation. So, yeah, most of the walk had been silent while onlookers gawked.
I was gritting my teeth by the time we arrived at the restaurant. Grey must’ve sensed my stress because he gave my arm a comforting squeeze as he opened the door for me to enter.
Inside was much calmer. Only a few tables were taken.
The people back on campus were more likely to be getting ready to go to bars or house parties than sitting down for an expensive dinner.
Actually, Linda’s was only really busy when parents and their deep pockets were in town.
It was a miracle that they could keep the doors open the rest of the year.
We were seated, and we waited until the waiter had taken our order—I forgot what I ordered as soon as the words left my mouth—before we even tried to talk about the swollen elephant in the room.
“You and Carina ‘broke up,’” I said, hearing the quotations in my voice.
“Yes,” Grey said.
“What happened?” I asked, closely followed by, “When did it happen?”
“I spoke to her a few days ago,” Grey said. “Right after you came out to your parents, actually.” He studied the table, not meeting my eyes.
I bit the inside of my lip in frustration.
I wanted to reach across the table and shake the answers out of him.
But obviously that would be crazy. “How did that go?” I prodded.
Was that why he stopped responding? That didn’t make sense.
He could’ve told me before now what the hell was going on. I would’ve been supportive.
Grey shrugged. “She was concerned for my safety, of course, but she expected it was coming.”
“So, no dramatic breakup?”
He gave me a wry smile. “Not at all.”
“That’s good, I guess.” It was hard to remember they hadn’t really been dating this whole time.
Maybe I was just having a hard time believing he wasn’t, in fact, lying to me to trick me into sleeping with him.
Somehow, that felt more believable than the truth.
“Why did you stop responding to my texts?”
Grey squirmed a bit in his seat. Good. “I sort of freaked out after I officially ended it.”
“Freaked out?” I repeated blankly. “Why?”
“I felt—” He hesitated, searching for the right word. “Exposed. Even though I was far from campus, it felt like I’d just painted a huge target on my back. I turned off my phone for a while.” He looked me in the eyes then, fire burning behind his own. “I’m sorry, Ethan.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. It’s okay? That was my instinctive inclination, though it was very far from okay.
Still, those words were on my lips, begging to be spoken.
They warred there, the enemy of my better judgment.
I knew that they were the key to stopping Grey’s pain.
I didn’t want him to squirm in discomfort, to not be able to meet my eyes.
I wanted him to go back to the confident, almost cocky Grey that I knew and—
I stopped that thought short. I’d almost thought the word love in association with Grey. I wasn’t anywhere close to accepting responsibility for what that word implied. Still, I needed my Grey.
“You hurt me,” I said point-blank.
He flinched.
“I don’t like being ghosted.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“I thought you’d lied to me,” I continued. “That the whole story you told me about Carina and you had been just that, a story. Something you made up to get me in bed with you.”
The color drained from Grey’s face. “I never thought you would arrive at that conclusion.”
Anger and frustration built like pressure in my chest only to fizzle out before it could explode. With a sigh, I looked down at my lap. “What was I supposed to think? You gave me nothing to work with. I was bound to jump to conclusions.”
He hung his head. “You’re right,” he said, more to himself than to me. Then, he raised his gaze back to me. “I haven’t done this before, you know?”
“Done what, exactly?”
“Let someone in,” Grey said. “Not someone I was interested in romantically anyway.”
My jaw went slack with shock before I could stop it. “Wait, you’ve never dated someone for real before?”
Grey shook his head. “I haven’t even talked to someone I wanted to be with for real before.” He paused. “That is, before you.”
My face warmed. “I just assumed you’d had others.”
“Why?”
“Just look at you.” I gestured at him. “One look at you, and you shattered my whole fucking world.”
“How poetic.”
“Shut up, you know what I mean.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’d never given guys a second look, then you come along, and I couldn’t see anyone else. How have you not had others fall for you?”
“People falling for me wasn’t the problem,” Grey said darkly. It was a reminder of what had happened with the girls and the stalking and that one blacked-out night, a reminder that begged me not to make him elaborate again. “But it takes two to fall successfully into anything worthwhile.”
“And that never happened,” I finished for him. “Which is crazy. You could’ve had anyone you wanted.”
Grey leaned back, seemingly pondering something. “Maybe,” he finally allowed. “But I’ve been too busy with the band and my music and my dreams to look for anyone I’d want.”
That sort of made sense. He had a one-track mind toward the future—always darting between rehearsals, recording sessions, and class.
I wasn’t sure how he had the energy to keep up with it all.
It made the past few months of him taking the time and effort to see me seem even more strange and unfathomable.
What’s so special about me to catch his eye through all the distractions?
Our food was delivered then. I’d apparently ordered the steak and potatoes. Grey had ordered the same.
“Could we get two glasses of Merlot?” Grey asked the waiter in such a low voice I didn’t think he intended for me to hear.
I pretended I hadn’t until the glasses were brought forth and the wine was poured.
“I have to admit,” I said after washing down a bite of steak with a sip of wine. “You almost seem like you’re trying to make up for not talking to me for days.”
“Is it working?”
“Hmm.” I pretended to deliberate while I took another sip of wine. “Almost.”
“What can I do to make you forgive me?” His eyes sparked mischievously when he said it.
The very serious moments we’d shared over the past few times we spoke were suddenly history. My Grey was back. That single ember was enough to make my heart leap into my throat.
“Well, you’re already paying for dinner, so you’re off to a good start,” I said playfully, planning to be coy, but then my mind latched onto what I would actually need to put this whole thing behind us.
“If you want the truth, I need some reassurance that it won’t happen again.
That you won’t freak out and retreat and leave me alone. ”
Grey slowly set down his wineglass, then, before I realized what he was doing, he grabbed my hand.
“Grey, people are staring,” I said, flustered as other eyes in the room turned toward us.
There weren’t many people there, but it felt like the whole restaurant was suddenly looking at us. I could’ve sworn I saw at least one phone rise to record. That might’ve been my paranoia.
“I don’t really care,” Grey said, his gaze as intense as I’d ever seen it. “Do you?”
The moment he asked the question, I realized I didn’t.
“Ethan,” he continued. “I want you to go out with me. No, going out isn’t enough. I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to court you.”
“Court me?” I blinked at him. “Like it’s the 1950s?”
He flashed a disarming white smile. “Exactly like that. We can go steady. I’ll take you on romantic walks and to the beach and to see baseball games.”
“You lost me at sports,” I said dryly.
He was undeterred. “You get the point. I want to be just yours, and you can be just mine.”
Without meaning to, I laughed. It was a nervous one, but it only bubbled to the surface because I could tell he was being so sincere.
So stupidly, adorably sincere. Truth be told, I was scared shitless about the prospects of dating anyone, but particularly Grey.
He could hurt me more than anyone on this planet if I let him.
But he also made me feel more alive than anyone I’d ever met.
He mistook my laugh as one of degradation, and his grip loosened on my hand. “You can say no if you want. I’d understand.”
I tightened my hand around his. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you. I’m just nervous. Ask me again.”
Grey hesitated, then his eyes intensified. “Ethan, will you go out with me?”
My face warmed. I could still feel others’ eyes on me. But I grinned at him in spite of all that. I couldn’t find it in me to care what they thought or what the internet would say when this video inevitably made its way online.
“I would love to go out with you, Grey.” My face brightened as I spoke.
His smile was radiant, and I could swear his eyes held extra moisture. He pulled my hand up to his lips and brushed it with a kiss that shot lightning through my nervous system. I could’ve sworn that sparks would leap from my skin at any moment.
So… I guess I’m dating Grey.