54. Maeve
MAEVE
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I go and soak in Lydia’s tub, hoping she doesn’t mind and that her offer for me to use it hasn’t been rescinded now that her family is in complete turmoil.
Ford’s last words echo in my ears on repeat.
I can’t believe he would say something like that about himself, or about Hayden and Gabriel.
I would suspect he was just saying it to make me feel better about my situation, but looking up into his face, he really seemed genuinely upset.
Like it was some huge sacrifice for me to be with them.
It is a sacrifice, but not in the way he thinks. It’s not a sacrifice to pretend to be in love with Ford. It’s a sacrifice to pretend that I’m okay with leaving him, leaving any of them, after everything we’ve shared.
In spite of all my best efforts to keep things casual, I went and caught feelings anyway.
And now I can’t even pretend that maybe it’ll all work out and I’ll get to stay with them, be with them for real.
I was never truly ‘with’ them and I never will be.
Ford and the other two might feel guilty for how this has all gone down, but at the end of the day, this is happening exactly the way it was always going to.
Just with some added humiliation thrown in for good measure.
After I soak long enough that I can’t pretend I’m doing anything other than stalling, I get out, throw on some comfortable clothes and then hide away in the house, avoiding everyone.
It’s a big house, so I can manage it pretty well.
There are lots of guest rooms on the second floor that are currently unused, and an attic where I can just sit among the family heirlooms and empty Christmas storage boxes.
Soon these boxes will be full again, as the season ends and a new year starts. Life will go on. This magical time will fade into memory.
Everyone here will get to experience it all again next year. They’ll take the boxes down, unpack them, and decorate all over again. Just not me. This one year is all I get to be part of it.
It has been a wonderful time, except for, well, everything that just happened.
I hope that I’ll be able to cling to those good memories as I move forward.
I hope I’ll be able to create my own magic at Christmas, even if it’s just me by myself, finally making my business dreams a reality.
But right now, I don’t feel like trying to find the silver lining.
I just feel sick, and embarrassed, and awful.
I cry a bit, by myself. Nobody can see or hear me up here. It’s safe.
After a while, though, my rumbling stomach can’t be ignored any longer. Ugh. I have to get up and eat something. I literally went downstairs from the bedroom and got hit with this terrible news over the breakfast table, and it’s been hours since then. I haven’t eaten anything all day.
I move down the stairs tentatively. I don’t want to see anyone.
Or, rather, I don’t want them to have to see me.
I hate to even think about what Ford’s family might think of me now.
Liam is the last person in the world I want to deal with right now, and if I see any of the men, I’ll just burst into tears.
But I manage to make it safely to the kitchen without running into anyone. It’s empty, breakfast long since cleared away. I make myself a simple sandwich and put it on the panini press rather than doing any fancy cooking. I don’t want someone to smell anything delicious and come investigate.
I finish making my meal and curl up at the little breakfast nook table, hoping nobody hears me and comes in while I eat.
For a few minutes, it seems I’ve succeeded in staying hidden, but then I hear soft humming, and Lydia wanders in.
She’s clearly in search of a snack, and I freeze like I’m in Jurassic Park and as long as I stay perfectly still, she won’t see me. But sure enough, she turns and looks right at me.
I get up quickly. “I’ll go?—”
“No, no, no.” Lydia hurries over and stops me as I try to take my food and escape. “Stay, please, sit down. I’m glad you’re eating something.”
I sit down reluctantly and watch as Lydia gets her own snacks and brings them over to sit with me.
“You looked like you were going to be sick earlier,” she says, her voice gentle and worried. “Are you okay?”
I shrug, not trusting my voice. I don’t know what to say anyway.
“Liam’s out of the house. I told him he should probably make himself scarce for a while. Mom and Dad are getting lunch and seeing a movie in Denver.”
I blink, surprised by that. “I’m sorry they didn’t want to be around.”
“No, I told them to go. I figured a change of scenery, a nice drive, a distraction, would be a good idea for everyone.” She hesitates, then adds, “I didn’t tell them, by the way. Liam, I mean. About what you told me before.”
“Of course you didn’t.” The idea didn’t even occur to me. “He said he saw us. Well, me with Hayden, and he heard or suspected something with Gabriel and me too.”
I don’t want to badmouth Liam in front of his sister, but she surprises me by saying, “What an asshole. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked that he’s lashing out like a child.”
I bite my lip. “He’s your brother.”
“So is Ford. Just because Liam is my brother doesn’t mean he’s not being a complete jerk. That was a shitty fucking thing to do. He’s always been a bit of a man-child, but it was always something that we could all find a way to ignore. Just get on with things, roll our eyes. This is different.”
Her words are unexpectedly comforting. I didn’t know I’d found such a fierce ally in her. “I hope that you all can find a way to move past this as a family.”
“What about you?” Lydia asks pointedly. “Don’t you want to move past this?”
“I don’t think there’s room for me to. I mean—sorry. That sounds dramatic. What I meant is—I’ll be doing it without all of you. I’ll be leaving after we convince Silver Start to follow through on this deal. I’ll be out of your hair.”
“I don’t want you out of my hair.” Lydia frowns. “Is that what you actually want?”
In front of the men, I managed to hold myself together. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself further by confessing my feelings in front of them. But Lydia sounds so genuinely heartbroken on my behalf.
“You don’t understand,” I explain, finally giving in to the truth. “Ford and I were never really together. Any of us. This whole engagement is a ruse.”
I explain the entire deception for Silver Start, how I’m being paid for the performance, and how this will allow me to get out of debt and open up my restaurant. Lydia listens quietly, without judgment or interruption.
“So, you see, we were really lying to you the whole time,” I finish.
“I didn’t like it. Especially once I saw how wonderful you all are.
I’ll be honest—I didn’t really know much about Ford, or Gabriel or Hayden, until this whole month started.
They’re very guarded with their personal lives and they never crossed any boundaries at work.
So I didn’t mind initially. I thought I’d just be putting up with three stubborn jerks and then maybe a spoiled rich family for a few weeks, and I’d earn my money.
But that’s not what happened at all, and now I feel awful that I let Ford talk me into this plan that involved lying to you all. ”
Lydia shakes her head. “You’re just so lovely, aren’t you?”
That surprises me. “What do you mean?”
“Well, think about it.” She laughs a little.
“The really smart thing to do would’ve been to act horribly.
It would’ve been perfect revenge on Liam, and then, when you and Ford broke off your fake engagement, my parents would’ve been relieved he ‘came to his senses’ and ended things.
But you were so lovely to all of us! You just can’t help it, can you? ”
Well, when she puts it like that, I can see her point. “I couldn’t be awful to you all. That wouldn’t be right.”
“And that’s exactly why I like you so much.
” Lydia smiles gently at me. “Look, maybe Ford shouldn’t have lied to us, but we’re all terrible liars in this family.
We never could’ve kept the secret. Liam definitely would’ve blabbed, clearly.
And Dad would’ve gotten into a huge fight with Ford about it.
I can understand why he did what he did.
And you have given us a truly lovely holiday season.
This was ruined by Liam, not by any of you. And I don’t think you should leave.”
I shake my head. “Lydia, you don’t get it. This isn’t me leaving men who actually want me. This was just sex for them.”
Lydia frowns. “But it’s not just sex for you anymore, is it?”
I sigh heavily. “No, it’s not,” I admit. I hate to say it out loud, but it’s true, and I suppose I need to confess to someone before I officially lose my mind. “It was supposed to be simple. They weren’t supposed to be so wonderful. It wasn’t supposed to get complicated.”
I wipe at my eyes and Lydia passes me a tissue from her pocket. “Look, it’s my fault. They’ve always been clear about what this arrangement is. Whatever… else might happen, with me, in my heart, it’s all on me. I’m an adult and I can live with the consequences of my own feelings.”
Lydia doesn’t look very satisfied with that explanation, but she doesn’t press the issue. Instead, to my surprise, she leans in and hugs me tightly.
I hug her back, too startled to do anything else, and I don’t want her thinking that it’s unwanted. I end up clinging to her, needing her support more than I realized, and she rubs my back, holding me for a long, long time.
“I hope that even if both of my brothers are big enough idiots to let you go, you know that you still have me.” Lydia pulls back, hands on my shoulders, and smiles warmly. “If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out, okay?”
I nod, but I already know that I won’t be taking her up on that offer.
It would hurt too much, and I would never want to put Lydia in an awkward position with her family.
It’s best if I let her live her life and let myself just be a strange, maybe fond, maybe awful memory in the eyes of this family.
I always knew that this feeling of finding a family wasn’t actually real. Like Clara with her Nutcracker, it was always just a wonderful dream. But that knowledge doesn’t do much to blunt the pain of losing it all.
Especially like this.