Gus
‘I just wanted to make sure someone was looking out for her today,’ he said eventually.
‘She’s had a rough night, and not just because of me; her favourite patient died and she was worried she’d let him down, and then she had to deal with some dodgy incident with one of the surgeons.
I’m not sure what happened but he ended up in a big heap on the floor and I think, judging from the conversation I had with him subsequently, he might have been– uhm– making unwanted advances. ’
‘Jesus,’ said Dev, obviously livid. ‘Sounds like, between you, you’ve done your utmost to make her as miserable as possible.’
‘She really liked you,’ he said, his tone combative. ‘I’ve not seen her like that before. Even at the start of the week, before anything had actually happened, it was obvious.’
‘I always knew she’d fall hard,’ said Dev sadly, almost talking to himself now. ‘She’s not like me, imagining I’m in love with every dickhead that comes along.’ He turned to Marvin. ‘Sorry, handsome– no offence.’
‘None taken,’ said Marvin.
‘She’s never let her guard down like that before.
I’ve known her a long time and she’s always kept herself a little bit removed.
’ Dev shook his head. ‘It’s a real shame.
Because this’—he pointed to Gus—'this will just reinforce all of those protective barriers. She really liked you.’ He turned his back on Gus both literally and figuratively.
‘Well.’ Gus felt even more wretched and wondered why he had followed the masochistic impulse to come up here in the first place. ‘I’ve got to head off.’
‘Back to the fiancée,’ said Dev over his shoulder. ‘Run along then.’
‘Dev!’ Marvin’s tone was admonishing. ‘Sorry,’ he mouthed over his boyfriend’s shoulder.
‘Thank you for looking after me,’ he said to Gus.
‘And sorry this couldn’t end on a slightly happier note.
But you have broken the heart of our very favourite girl.
’ He shrugged as much as his ribs would allow and Gus backed out of the room, cross with himself for being close to tears.
He deserved their approbation– it wasn’t personal, but it felt it.
In a different world he might have been welcomed into the inner sanctum of Violet’s best friends.
He might have been helping Marvin settle in at home, cooking everyone a meal, or more likely jostling with Dev over who had priority in the kitchen, taking Violet out for a drink to celebrate the end of their night shifts, welcoming in the New Year with her in his arms.
Instead he’d be dealing with Amelia. Trying to soothe her, reassure her and make her feel wanted.
They might go out, maybe just the two of them, or if she felt confident enough, with some of her friends.
She’d have too much to drink, he’d be tired and unable to explain to her yet again that night shifts made you feel wrung-out in a surprisingly unique way.
She’d start accusing him of eyeing up other women, forgetting the fact that she was the one who’d run off with someone else.
If he brought this hypocrisy to her attention, she’d end up silently fuming and he’d have to deal with the fallout at home where they’d have a long emotionally exhausting discussion that would ultimately be futile.
They’d both realise they were getting nowhere and eventually, with no other obvious way out of the impasse they’d either go back to their respective bedrooms and lie awake staring at the ceiling for hours before slipping into a fitful, unsatisfying sleep, or they’d fall into bed with each other and have resentful sex that felt more like punishment.
He had spent so long wanting Amelia back that it felt odd to now be thinking of her return in such negative terms. She needed him to be dependable, reliable, the kind, considerate Gus she’d known for years.
But was he still that man? Had he been truly happy in that role?
Always putting his needs second. He was again reminded of Violet’s parting words to him in the surgeon’s coffee room.
‘Even you can’t make everyone happy this time, Gus.
So don’t bother trying.’ She was right. He certainly hadn’t made her happy.
He might make Amelia happy if he welcomed her back with open arms, but would he be happy?
Maybe that was something he should be factoring into this particular equation– his own happiness.
Maybe if he couldn’t have Violet he could at least act on her advice.
He realised that in the space of only a week she had taught him a valuable lesson, one that he’d been waiting thirty years to learn.
Maybe this time he had to do what was right for him.