Chapter 24
24
THREE DAYS BEFORE HE LEFT ME
The air is charged as my meaning lands. James snatches his hand away. ‘That’s not fucking funny.’
‘No. No it isn’t,’ I say, still reeling from the speed he’s pulled his hand away. He stands, begins striding back and forth across the room. I continue, ‘I know it’s hard to believe, that we… you and I’ – his mouth opens and he makes out a ‘hah’ sound, interrupting me – ‘but I’m telling you the truth.’
‘This is bullshit. You and me?’ He shakes his head with such disbelief that I feel myself tense up. I knew it would be hard for him to take but I never expected his reaction to be so resistant. Is it really so preposterous to him right now?
Libby’s words come back from the day before we got married: duty, always picked up Kit’s mess.
‘Just stop.’ I stand and grab his hands. He’s breathing quickly, eyes still darting around the room. I look up at him, squeezing his hands firmly. ‘You don’t like having your ears kissed because it gives you goosebumps. You sleep on the right side of the bed. You love listening to Smooth FM when you’re in a bad mood because it perks you up, but you would never let the boys at the club know that.’ His eyes stop roaming around the room and he settles on me. I soften my voice. ‘When you were thirteen, Kit let your dog, Busker, off the lead and he got run over. Kit told your parents it was you.’ His body is stilling. ‘You never told them the truth and you took the blame.’ He takes his hands out of mine and sits on the bed, head in hands. I sit next to him.
‘I’ve never told anyone that,’ he says quietly.
‘I know. But you tell me.’ He looks at me with caution, trying to work out if I’m a fraud.
‘Kit could have told you that story.’
‘He didn’t.’
He takes a deep breath, holds it in his chest then exhales slowly. ‘Tell me something else, something that no one else could know. And if this is a wind-up, Liv, I swear…’
My voice is calm, quieter as I begin. ‘You once heard your mum saying that she wished you’d never been born.’ His eyes meet mine, unwavering. ‘You were six years old,’ I continue. ‘You were standing at the top of the stairs and your mum and dad were arguing. You were wearing Power Ranger pyjamas and wished you could be as strong as them when you grew up so that you could fight, so that you could take care of yourself.’
He drops his head again. I place my hand on his back, rubbing along his shoulder blades. James tenses at first, but then his body relaxes and he turns his head to me. ‘I tell you that?’
‘You tell me everything… at least, I thought you did.’
‘Thought?’
‘You had the necklace, James. I think you know Kit is alive. You argued with him yesterday and you never told me about that either.’
‘That was nothing. He hasn’t paid for his gym membership and Ian came to me asking me to give him a nudge. It pissed me off. That’s all.’ He rubs his knuckles across the inside of his palm .
‘And now? Now that I’ve told you something is happening to Kit, something so huge that he plans his own death? Is there anything you can think of that might help us understand why?’
He scratches the back of his neck, and exhales.
‘I don’t know, Liv. Honestly. I don’t know.’
We sit in silence. James’s leg bouncing notches up. I need to calm him down.
‘Do you want to know some good news?’
He shrugs, drags his hands through his hair.
I smile. ‘We own the boxing club.’ I smile at him. ‘It’s ours, James. Fighting Fit is ours.’
His chin jerks up. ‘We call it that?’
‘Yep.’
‘I’ve had that name in my mind for years.’
I smile up at him. ‘I know.’
He looks pleased in that self-conscious way that means he hides his smile by rubbing his hand across his mouth. I used to pull it away, kiss the palm of his hand, tell him I loved his smile.
‘This is insane.’
‘Yep.’
‘So, what now?’ he asks.
‘Well… I’m here for a reason, so I’ll keep looking, keep trying to find out why he did it, see if I can somehow stop it happening.’
Minutes tick by. I wait to let James come to terms with everything I’ve told him.
‘Penny for your thoughts?’ I nudge him with my shoulder.
He frowns, deep in thought. ‘I was just thinking… what if him not paying Ian isn’t Kit just being, you know, Kit? What if he couldn’t pay?’
I shake my head. ‘Kit wasn’t in any money trouble. It was all checked out by the police. There was nothing suspicious.’
‘But what if he’s in trouble before he goes? ’
I nod, tugging at this thread of thought.
‘Maybe check his accounts,’ James suggests, ‘find out if there is anything unusual? If he planned to leave, there must be a trail somewhere… He can’t have started a new life without money.’
‘You’re right.’ We’re quiet for a moment before I refocus the conversation. ‘If you knew Kit was alive’ – James looks up at me, dark eyes, dark lashes, his expression somewhere between hurt, confused and guarded – ‘why would you lie to me, James?’ I chew my bottom lip. ‘I know this is a hard concept for you to grasp…’ I look down at my hands, running my finger over where my engagement ring has been sitting for over a year. ‘But you do love me.’ I look up at him. His eyes widen a touch and then focus across the room into a future that he’s trying to imagine. He continues looking off into the distance. ‘I think you lie to me though, James.’ His focus returns to me, puzzled, hurt, sceptical. ‘And if you did, then you let me grieve; you let me search for him.’ He shakes his head. ‘Why would you lie, James?’ I ask again.
He squeezes his eyes shut, pushes his fists into his sockets. His shoulders slump. I wait. Someone in the next room flushes a toilet. A door opens and closes further down the corridor.
‘There is only one reason I can think of.’ His words come from deep inside, like it’s someone else speaking on his behalf.
‘And?’
He moves his fists away, his eyes glassy as he looks at me. ‘To protect him.’