Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CLAIRE
The rooftop glows with strings of white lights, casting everything in a golden haze. Laughter rises above the hum of conversation while people sip champagne and mulled wine. The heat lamps buzz softly, warming the crisp December afternoon.
And then there’s Declan.
He’s across the terrace, sitting with Grandma Estelle.
She’s holding court as usual, gesturing wildly, her pearls bouncing against her chest with every emphatic word.
I can’t hear her, but I can almost guarantee she’s telling him about whatever romance novel she’s currently reading.
And being the gentleman he is, his attention is glued to her.
Every time I sneak a glance, I find him already watching me. He doesn’t linger long, but even the shortest flicker of his gaze leaves me flushed, my skin prickling as though I’ve been caught doing something illicit.
This is the first time we’ve been in public together since we started…whatever this is. I hate how much my body aches for him right now. How badly I want to brush my fingers against the rough shadow of his jaw. How much I want to tuck myself against his side and surround myself in his warmth.
Instead, all I can do is relish in the warmth of a heat lamp, pretending he’s nothing more than Joshua’s father.
I knew what this was when we started down this path. Casual. Temporary. Something we could contain.
Something we could control.
But being this close and not being able to touch him feels like a cruel punishment I wasn’t prepared for.
A burst of his laughter carries across the terrace, deep and rich, sliding under my skin like a secret touch. I wrap my fingers tighter around the stem of my champagne flute, forcing myself to take a sip and act as if I’m not unraveling from the mere sound of his deep chuckle.
“Mind if I join you?”
I snap my head up as my mom approaches with a glass of champagne.
“Of course.” I slide over on the couch to make room. She lowers herself beside me and tilts her flute toward me.
“To you finally taking a little time off. It’s long overdue.”
“Cheers,” I murmur, clinking my glass with hers.
We sip in silence. On the surface, it’s comfortable. I’ve always had a great relationship with my mother. Which is why I can’t shake the feeling she didn’t come over here just to keep me company.
I focus on the bubbles fizzing in my glass. On the flames in the fire pit in front of us. Anything but the man sitting mere feet away.
But it’s like my body doesn’t want to listen to reason, my eyes finding his once more. And when he notices me watching him, his mouth curves into a devilish smile he reserves just for me, scorching every inch of me from the inside out.
Who needs a fire pit when Declan Hart is mere feet away?
“So…,” my mother begins, reminding me she’s right beside me. “How long have you been sleeping with Joshua’s father?”
I choke on my champagne, sputtering so loudly a few people glance our way, including Declan. But I purposefully avoid looking at him.
“Excuse me?” I manage once my coughing fit subsides.
Her expression is maddeningly calm, eyes sharp, lips twitching like she already knows the answer.
“That’s him, isn’t it?” she presses. “The one you had a sexual awakening with in Boston?”
“I didn’t have a sexual awakening in Boston,” I argue. “I—”
She holds up a hand, cutting me off with the kind of authority only a mother can wield.
“Claire. Please. You might think you can hide things from me, but you can’t.
I knew when you got your first period. During a volleyball game in seventh grade.
I knew when you kissed a boy for the first time.
Joshua, as practice, which was a mistake. ”
“Mom…,” I groan, but it’s useless.
“I knew when you had sex for the first time… Again with Joshua. Again as practice. Again it was a mistake.”
I bury my face in my hands, wishing the world would just swallow me up so I can avoid having this conversation with my mother. But she’s never been the type of mom to avoid difficult topics. If anything, she’s always been the type of mother to blaze head first into them.
“I also know you smoked weed for the first time at your senior prom, and you got drunk for the first time during a party at McGregor’s farm the summer before senior year.
” She takes a leisurely sip of champagne, her eyes never leaving mine.
“So I’ll ask again. How long have you been sleeping with Joshua’s father? ”
My pulse pounds in my ears, the sound deafening.
Declan’s laughter cuts across the terrace again, and like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I glance his way.
I try to play it off, pretend to take in everything going on at the party, but when I return my attention to my mother, she smirks at me with a knowing gleam.
“I’m going to guess a few weeks. You definitely have that honeymoon-phase glow. When it’s still new and exciting.”
I part my lips to argue yet again that she’s wrong, but it’s useless.
“He is the guy from Boston,” I finally admit on a long exhale.
“I knew it! I told you I sensed a change in your aura.”
“I had no idea who he was.” I ignore her remark, not in the right head space to talk to my mom about my supposed “sexual awakening.” I doubt I’ll ever be.
“He was just an attractive older man who was also stranded in the city. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. Until I went to dinner with Joshua to meet his father…”
“That must have been some dinner.”
“You have no idea.” I laugh under my breath. “When I learned who he was, we agreed it would be best to pretend that night never happened. But then he moved into Finn’s townhouse, and we kept running into each other. And each time, it became harder to stay away.”
“I can see that,” she says without a hint of judgment. “There’s obviously quite an intense connection between you. I can feel the vibration between you two.”
I quickly shake my head. “It’s not like that.
” I glance over my shoulder to make sure no one’s listening in on our conversation.
Then I whisper, “We’re just having some fun while he’s in town.
I know it can’t go anywhere. We both do.
Hell, we probably shouldn’t even be doing what we are, all things considered. ”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“He lives on the other side of the country.” I lean closer. “Plus, he’s Joshua’s father.”
She studies me for a long moment, her analytical eyes raking over me in a way that completely unsettles me. “Is that a reason? Or an excuse?”
I open my mouth, ready to argue, but she places her hand over mine, cutting me off.
“Claire,” she says softly, but with weight.
“I love you with all my heart. But I also know you. You want to be accepted, so much so that you’ll settle for less than you deserve if it means keeping the peace.
You’re a lot like me in that regard. You’d rather accept pieces of someone rather than nothing at all. ”
“That’s not true.”
She raises a single disbelieving eyebrow.
“I did that with your sperm donor,” she continues. “Convinced myself scraps were enough. That pieces of a man were better than none at all. I don’t regret it, because it gave me you and your sister. But now I know I deserved more. Just like you do.”
“I don’t want more.”
“Is that really how you feel? Or are you only saying it because it’s the only way you think you can have him?”
“I—”
“You’re an adult,” she says, giving my hand a squeeze.
“I won’t tell you what to do. That’s never been my style.
But I’ve been exactly where you are. If you want more, demand it.
Don’t accept less than you deserve. Not from anyone.
Not even a man who looks as good in a suit as he does.
It’s probably why Grandma Estelle has essentially kidnapped him.
You know how much she loves…what does she call it? ”
“Suit porn,” I answer.
“That’s right!” She claps her hands. “Suit porn. And there is definitely some incredible suit porn going on with that man.”
“He also has some incredible sweater porn,” I add with a giggle.
“I bet he does.” She playfully waggles her brows. Then her expression grows serious once more. “But none of that matters if he’s not willing to give you what you deserve.”
I push out a long sigh. “I appreciate your concern, Mom. But I promise. I’m okay with our arrangement.” I give her a sincere smile, but my words lack any hint of conviction.
And from the look in her eyes, I know she hears it, too.